Studio 22 | Mary-Kate Olsen

Chapter Fifteen

May 18th 2022 - New York City - Safe Haven Community Centre

Normally entering the room group is held in, each week I didn't feel nervous but today I did. Because last week I made a decision that I refused to let myself go back on. I didn't tell anyone what I decided to do but I made the commitment to myself and I have to follow through.

Last week we were all meant to read out our assignments but no one did them. No one wanted to even think of something on the spot to say and I felt bad for Will. Here he was trying to help us and we, mostly me, weren't even trying. So I made the choice to write something to give to him at the end of this session and then when I was writing it on Thursday night I decided I was going to share it with the group. Will might be right, it might help me.

I took my seat and kept my purse on my lap, the paper was folded in there next to my sketchbook. I was protecting it, I didn't want anyone to see it. I didn't want anyone to take it from me and read all the parts I crossed out. The crossed-out parts are things I wasn't ready to share yet. They were things about Kacy and I's love, things about our future that would never happen. I stuck to losing Atlas, and what changed for me in that situation. I wasn't ready to share about my experience, but after my night in Atlas' room and hearing his voice in my messed-up head I felt more able to talk about him. It's been almost 6 years, I could speak about him, I could share parts of him with these people. They had shared big parts of their life with me. I think Atlas would be okay with me sharing a fraction of our relationship.

Everyone filtered into the room, some stopping at the snack table and having a chat before taking their seat, others came straight to the circle of chairs. I scanned the room as everyone sat down making sure there were no new faces. I couldn't share with a stranger, not that I knew the others here, but they weren't strangers anymore. Will starts the session with the same question every week. "Does anyone have anything to share before we get into the session today?" He asks it every week, so I waited and when he asked it I took a shaky breath before raising my hand timidly.

This felt scarier than going to war. "Blue?" Will questioned me surprised. "I did the homework," I say keeping my eyes on the floor, I kicked my Doc Martens together before looking up in his direction. He had a soft smile gracing his lips before nodding at me, his way of handing the room over to me. "I didn't write about my exit from the military...I hope that's okay... It's still relevant though," I explained as I get the paper out of my bag. "Whatever your interpretation of the assignment will be fine," He assured me and I nodded. I think he'd be happy with me reading something from Dr Seuss, he's just glad I'm participating.

"Change is something that happens in life, you change schools, you change jobs, you change environments, you change house, friends, interests. Change is a constant thing that we as humans have to adapt to. But the change that comes from the effects of the military is way bigger than the everyday changes in life. They change who you are as a person, and how you look at life. They're not easy to adapt to. They're not something that you come to terms with overnight. It's a battle to adjust and work through accepting that change." I begin, my eyes glued to my writing on the paper that I pulled out of my notebook last night when I was packing my bag. "The first thing that changed for me because of the military was that my brother was no longer in the family home. He wasn't the first member of our family to leave for the military, in fact, every single person before us had been part of the military, it was a family legacy that we're proud to have." I take a deep breath. "But I was still young when he left so it was hard for me to come to terms with that, he was at the age where he got the opportunity to enlist. I had known since I was really little that my older brother and eventually me and my twin brother would enlist and leave the family home but just because I knew it was going to happen, doesn't mean I was prepared for it to actually happen. That was the first change." I looked at Will and he nodded for me to continue. He could see I had barely read anything I had written, he knew me enough to know I wouldn't be reading the three pages of writing today. But he also knew me enough to push me to continue to read. "I had to adjust to not having my protector there. Atlas was the type of brother who was always there, he'd let me hang around him when he went out with his friends and he didn't try to push me away or be mean to me. He showed me off like I was the best prize ever. He'd hold me when I got nightmares, and wipe my tears when I was sad. He was the best big brother I could have ever asked for. He made me feel loved and seen and heard every single day of my life. His not being around changed all of that. I never felt more alone. I wasn't counting down the days until Christmas or my birthday. I was counting down the days until he'd come home for three days so he could hold me and I'd feel safe again. That change was scary, I was 13 my parents weren't home my big brother wasn't home and home didn't feel like home. I adjusted eventually. I had to because Atlas loved doing what he was doing and I loved him too much to ask him to stop and wait until I was ready for the change." I cleared my throat and scanned my page. I skipped over the more vulnerable parts, the details about the adjustment period until landing on the paragraph that would stab me in the chest to read.