Social Suicide

F I V E : Forget Me Not

SOCIAL SOLITUDE: ARISTELLE
Friday, October 19 2018
The party was bigger than it usually was tonight. The person who opened the door for us said it was somebody's birthday.
"Avery!" Spencer appeared at the bottom of the stairs. He held out his plastic cup to me. I emptied it without hesitation and placed it on the table next to me. I caught him smiling.
Molly greeted him shyly and walked away with Tyler to find a drink. I stayed behind.
"Can we talk?"
"Follow me." He started to climb the stairs and I was a half-step behind him so I wouldn't lose him in the crowd. He halted when we reached an empty bedroom. There was a small office-like sign on the door with his name on it. Since there was only one bed in here, I was pretty confident we wouldn't be interrupted.
"What is it?" He suddenly seemed nervous. Holden Spencer, nervous?
I pushed away the thought. I didn't know him well enough to accurately decipher his tone or expressions.
"I need to know what happened that night."
"What night?"
Jesus, how drunk was he? What other night would I be talking about? "Wednesday. When you spent the night at my place. Tell me everything."
He tilted his head, a small smile playing at his lips. "Everything?"
I nodded.
He sat at the edge of his bed and patted the space next to him, silently requesting that I join him.
"I was meeting someone at River Room before I ran into you. You couldn't even stand straight, so I offered to take you home. I made you coffee. We sat on the couch and watched something for half an hour, then..." He trailed off.
"Then?" I urged, looking up at him. I thought hearing the details would somehow bring the memories to the surface, but there was nothing.
"You attacked me."
"I did what?!"
"Not violently." He smirked, chuckling. "You kissed me."
My eyes widened in shock and I resumed my staring contest with the floor. I kissed him?
"It took me a second to catch my breath, but I kissed you back."
I tried not to react. "And then?"
He paused. "I pulled away. I didn't think it was right." He turned to look at me. I couldn't bring myself to yet. "But you asked me to stay, so I did. I didn't want to leave you alone while you were in a bad way."
I didn't believe what I was hearing. I'm never drinking again.
Wait, no, I take that back.
"Is that all? What did we talk about?"
"Not really anything in particular. You did tell me about Castro, though."
I finally met his gaze.
"I'm sorry he did that to you," he consoled. "I doubt I know the whole story, but I know he's a dick and that's enough."
I stood up, mumbling a, "Thanks."
"Hey, wait." He grabbed my arm as I was walking out, stopping me before I reached the door. He pulled me around to face him again. "You alright? Did I say something wrong?"
"It's not that. That chapter of my life just isn't one I particularly like reliving"
"Of course. Apologies." He slid his hand down to reach mine. I already forgot what he said as I stared into his green eyes, trying my hardest to remember my night with him.
"Did you drive my car or yours?" I wondered. It's been bugging me since yesterday.
"Mine," he clarified. "I walked back to get yours after you fell asleep. I found your key in your jacket."
He waked all the way back to get it? Why would he do that?
How long have I been standing here?
The difference in our heights was intimidating, almost a whole foot.
He didn't let go of my hand yet, and I didn't pull away.
I'd never thought much of Spencer, but now that there was this huge chunk of time I spent with him that's missing, all I wanted was to get those memories back.
"Aristelle?"
Part of me was weirded out because he's never called me anything other than Avery, and the other part of me loved the way it sounded coming from him. "Mm-hm?"
I could no longer hear the party going on around us. All thoughts and voice of reason disappeared, and the only thing on my mind was the man in front of me.
He slowly leaned down to meet my eye level, asking for permission before he moved toward me. His tongue swiped across his bottom lip, and I knew what would've happened if in that moment a voice hadn't broken in on us.
"Denny! You in there?" Someone banged on Spencer's door.
"'Denny'?" I echoed in a mocking tone. Then I realized I knew that voice and whirled toward the door.
Matthew.
"Come on, man, the birthday girl is requesting your presence!"
The shadow under the doorframe went away and I sighed a breath of relief. What would he have done if he found me in Spencer's bedroom? What would I have done?
When I looked at him again, I found him staring.
I couldn't deny that there was something between us. Almost everyone interested in men on campus wanted him.
And a lot of them already had him, my mind couldn't wait to throw in.
I looked down, rolling my eyes.
Even so, I knew that if he had kissed me then, I would have let him.
"I should go," I told him.
He shook his head firmly once. "You don't have to."
"Molly's probably looking for me." I peeked outside and when I was sure no one was looking my way, I walked out and down the stairs without another glance behind me.
When I found Mol, she and Tyler were playing a game with a large group of people in the parlor. I sat on my knees directly behind her.
"Hey. Where have you been?" she asked me.
"Upstairs."
She gave me a look. "With who?"
"Holden."
I wanted to whisper, but I couldn't because this place was so loud. I was pretty sure the girl on the other side of Tyler heard me.
"Woah, wait." Ty grinned. "You and Spencer?"
Tyler used to be on a semi-friendly basis with him during their freshman year, the year before I started attending the school. I didn't know how it ended, but based on his reaction, it probably wasn't bad. Maybe they just drifted apart.
I shook my head at him.
Molly laced her arm through mine. "Did you find out what happened?"
"Yeah. I'll tell you when we get home."
I told them to stay put while I went to get a drink. Molls hadn't been to a party in weeks, so she was having a good time. And since Ty was here, I didn't have to babysit. She got pretty crazy when she drank due to her lack of tolerance.
"Hey, man," I heard near the other kitchen entrance.
Spencer stood at the threshold, slapping the shoulder of some guy I recognized from the basketball team.
He somehow felt my gaze on him, but I turned away before we locked eyes.
I downed my shot. Vodka, since I couldn't find the bourbon.
The unfamiliar liquid tore through my throat like wildfire.
"God," I groaned over my shallow cough.
"Try this." Spence stood behind me now. His long arm wound around my shoulders to place a cup in my hand. "It's a tad less extreme."
I took it timidly. Taking the smallest sip, I realized it was beer. I didn't want something quite this mellow, but I didn't want to be rude. "Thanks."
"No problem. I thought you ran off to find Molly?"
"I found her. She's playing the game with everyone."
"And you don't like games?" He leaned his side against the counter, towering over me.
"Actually, I don't."
He took a swig from the vodka bottle. "Hm." He walked away with the bottle still in hand.
After a few minutes, I was back in the parlor and watching the game from a black leather barcalounger.
I sighed to myself and stepped toward Molly, leaning down to whisper in her ear.
"Hey, I'm gonna head out." I just wasn't feeling it tonight.
"Oh, okay, let's go." She started to stand, but tumbled over into Tyler's lap.
"No, no. I'm gonna find Holden and ask for a ride. You stay and enjoy yourself." I faced Tyler with a serious expression. "You better take care of her."
"Always," he promised, just as profound.
I held onto the railing as I made my way back up the stairs. Just as I was about to knock on Spencer's door, I spotted him down the hall.
He was yelling, but I couldn't see who it was directed at. The closer I got, the better I could hear the voices.
"It's not my fault you're a pussy."
I stopped dead in my tracks. Did Matthew just call Spencer a pussy?
I would've laughed any other time, but my curiosity got the best of me.
"Fuck off. She's not who you said she was," Spencer fumed.
"Well, if you're just doing this to get in her pants, don't bother. She's a good tease, but that's all. She'll never give it up."
Spencer threw his large fist in the air and it connected to Matt's jaw with a loud crack.
My body stilled. I took a step forward to stop it but quickly decided against it.
I'm not getting in the middle of this. My cunt of an ex-boyfriend, the guy who... I don't even know what to call him, and whoever the girl is that they're talking about.
Fuck this. I'll just walk home.
It's less than a mile. I've had a few drinks, so it'll probably take me until midnight to get home. An hour isn't bad.
The fresh air was cold, making me lift up my hoodie and pull down the sleeves. I could just barely see my foggy breath.
I still didn't understand what I saw, really.
They were arguing over some girl. I was pretty sure I heard Matt say, "if you're just doing this to get in her pants, don't bother."
Doing what?
I felt bad for this girl, whoever she was. What was Spencer doing to her? Was she at the party? Did I know her?
Maybe if I had stayed a little longer, I could've figured out who she was and warn her.
He told me he didn't do anything more than make out with me that night because I was intoxicated and he didn't think it would've been right to continue. That doesn't sound like a guy who uses girls. So maybe I'm getting this all wrong.
"She's not who you said she was," Spence had said to him.
Right. So Matt was the asshole here. Not Spencer. That made more sense.
I knew I wasn't crazy. Spencer isn't anything remotely like Matthew.
I paused on the sidewalk when I recognized my home to check the time. There was a large plastic clock on the wall in the mailbox room. Almost two hours had passed—I passed a bar on my way from the fraternity and sat in the back with some coffee for a while as an attempt to sober up.
I almost screamed when I saw Spencer sitting on the floor against my door.
He heard me gasp, then quickly stood up and ran over to me, engulfing me in a hug.
I was frozen in shock, unable to return the odd gesture.
"Where the hell have you been?!" he yelled softly so not to wake my neighbors.
I didn't hide my confusion. "Uh..."
"I was driving around looking for you for two hours! I came here, you weren't here. I thought something bad happened to you."
"Why were you looking for me?"
"Um, you're drunk? You're alone at night on the streets?" He widened his eyes, avoiding the question.
I scoffed. "I'm a big girl, Spence. I can handle myself." I dig into my pocket for my house key.
He followed me inside. "Drunks can't look after themselves. I don't care how strong you think you are."
"I'm hardly drunk," I countered, facing him in my kitchen. He was leaning over the bar. "Walking out there in the cold sobered me up for the most part. One cup of coffee and I'll be fine."
He didn't reply as I started the machine.
"You never answered me. Why were you looking for me, Spencer?"
He hesitated and mumbled something incoherent.
"What was that?"
"I wanted to make sure you were safe," he repeated.
I stared at him. "Why now? Why are you showing up for me now? What's changed in the last two years that I've known you?"
He looked down. "I dunno."
"That's not good enough."
"What do you want from me?" He stepped around the counter and practically towered over me. "Why isn't it just enough to know that someone cares for you? Why do you need an explanation? Sometimes there isn't one. Sometimes people care simply because they want to." The words were harsh, but he was calm. His tone was reassuring.
"Because people can't be trusted." I decided to change the subject. "Why were you arguing with Matthew?"
"What?"
I took a step back and he sat on a barstool. "Before I left, I went upstairs to find you. You guys were yelling and then you punched him. I didn't want to get involved, so I went home."
"Oh. That. He was being pompous. I had enough, so I knocked him out."
"One punch and he was unconscious?"
He smiled. "Mm-hm. You still mad at me?"
I pursed my lips. "No. Thanks for that." I turned away from him to get a mug from the cabinet.
"He had it coming."
I nodded. "You want some?"
"I'm all right, thanks."
"You're not buzzed?" I asked doubtfully, pouring my coffee.
"Not at all. I had two sips of vodka." He watched my movements carefully. "I don't like getting drunk."
"Why not?"
He slid off the barstool and followed me to my couch. "You ask a lot of questions," he observes wryly.
I shrugged as I powered on the flat screen.
It was silent for a short while. It was a comfortable silence.
"Why were you trying to find me before you left the party?" he wondered.
"I didn't want to ruin Molly's fun so I was gonna ask you for a ride home."
"Then why did you leave by yourself?" He half-glared at me. "I would have taken you."
"I told you why. I didn't want to get in the middle of you and Matt."
"It was nothing. It was over before it started."
"That's not what it looked like to me." I muted the tv and twisted my body to face him. "What started it?"
"I don't totally remember. He said one thing that pissed me off and it just escalated from there. It's not exactly a new thing. He knows how to push my boundaries."
His voice didn't falter. It didn't sound like a lie. I just wish I knew for sure.
"Don't you want to get back to your party, host?"
"Not really. Someone else can clean up for a change."
I almost laughed at the image in my head of Spencer cleaning the entire frat house every weekend.
I returned his stare for a while, unspeaking. There's never been a time where someone was looking at me and I didn't immediately turn away. Even just the thought of eyes on me makes me uncomfortable, but this didn't feel awkward at all.
I could get lost in his eyes for hours... And that new thought scared me more than any of the rest of it.
"So you're staying?"
"Unless you'd rather I go?"
I shook my head, not even thinking about it. I didn't know for sure what I felt for him, but I knew it was something.
He seemed happy with my answer, and I noticed him start to lean in toward me. He placed his hand on my cheek and I found myself moving closer, too.
The mixture of coffee and vodka wafted around when I got within an inch of his lips. As I closed my eyes, his tongue slid across my bottom lip and I let out an involuntary sigh.
My hand found his hard chest and I felt his rapid heartbeat. It was so calming and I smiled against his mouth.
He chuckled. "What?"
"Your heart is beating really fast."
He planted his lips on mine then, swallowing my gasps. I put my other hand on the back of his head and fisted his hair.
He pulled me onto his lap. I relaxed against him and wrapped both arms around his neck.
The phone in his pocket rung and the vibration pressed against my leg. He groaned in annoyance.
I unwillingly let go of his face and moved back, frowning as both of us breathed heavily.
"Figures," he muttered.
I forced a smile.
He lifted me under my thighs and placed me on the cushion next to him before standing up.
"What?" he snapped into the receiver. "You're fucking joking... I'm on my way." He shoved the device back into his pocket. "I need to go," was all he said to me.
I rarely see him angry.
"I need to go," was all he said.
"Everything all right?" I asked.
He turned back to me for a second, a blank expression on his face. "I'll see you around."
"Spencer." I stood up with him. "What just happened?"
His voice was cold and unwavering. "I came here to see if you were okay. That doesn't make us friends."
He walked out without another word.
I couldn't help but stare after him and wonder if it was Matthew on the other end of that call.