Social Suicide

T W E N T Y - T W O : The Past Was Only Practice

SOCIAL SOLITUDE: ARISTELLE
Monday, November 26 2018
I was sitting on the edge of my bed with my knees tucked under my chin when Molly came into my room to see if I was awake. Little did she know, I hadn't slept all night.
"First day back. You ready?"
"As I'll ever be," I replied, sliding off my soft comforter. I dressed in a ruched, silky red v-neck and black multi-zip jeans. I let my hair fall naturally after a few strokes with a brush. As I put it back down on the dresser, I noticed a watch that Spencer left here.
He hadn't stayed the rest of the weekend. He had football practice yesterday and a sixteen-hour shift at the hospital on Saturday. Speaking of, I had no idea what he worked as there. I kept forgetting to ask.
"Are we riding together?" I asked Molls. "Or is your baby daddy picking you up?"
"Ew, don't say that."
I made a face. "Yes or no?"
"Yeah, we can. I'm almost ready. Are you? Would you mind making me some coffee?" Her voice faded away as she walked back to her bathroom.
"Sure." She thanked me as I turned on the Keurig. She came back out as I was pouring it into her compact thermos. My stare lingered out of our sphere window while I waited.
"Elle?"
I blinked. "Hm?"
Her smile lit up the room. "You all right?"
Oh, nothing. Just my brain lagging to give me some semblance of rest. "Yeah." I handed her the coffee. "Here. Let's go."
"You're such a grouch," she asserted calmly once we got in the elevator.
"Thanks."
She laughed. She argued with me over driving this soon after getting out of the hospital, but I eventually won the debate. I pulled up next to her Architectural Structures building.
"What time should I pick you up?"
"Four, at the library. Then you can take me home. I'll drive myself to get groceries."
"That's my thing," I reminded her.
She shook her head. "It's mine for now. Until I'm sure you're okay wandering around town by yourself."
I sighed. "Okay, Mother. Have a good day."
"I love you."
"Love you, too."
I drove to Einstein's, where Elijah was waiting for me. As soon as the bell on top of the door chimed, he looked up and ran to me.
"Easy, easy," I huffed when our bodies collided.
He let go of me immediately, holding me as arms length. "Sorry! I'm so happy to see you." He gestured for me to sit across from him. "How are you feeling?"
"Never better."
"You look like a zombie," he criticized lovingly.
I yawned. "Aw, thanks."
"Odd for someone who slept for half a month straight."
My eyes snapped to his.
"Too soon?"
I thought about it for a second, then shook my head. "Thank you for not treating me like I'm made of glass."
"Anytime. Here." He pushed a small cup of coffee to me. "I got this for you a few minutes ago."
I smiled gratefully. "Thank you. I barely got any rest all weekend." I paused to yawn again. "What's new with you?"
He caught me up on the past month of his life. School, his family, Mason.
"So... you two are totally good now?"
"Yeah. I haven't really forgiven him, I've just moved past it."
"Hm. You're a bigger person than me. I could never."
He tilted his head. "I guess it would depend. I couldn't, either, if I was in the situation you were in."
"And what situation was that?" I started to get defensive. I knew where this was going.
"You and Matt were together for four months, and as far as I knew, he was always distant. He played football more than he hung out with you."
"And? While he did that, I played baseball. You don't have to spend every spare moment with the person you're dating. That's called codependency."
He rolled his eyes. "Anyway. I was just talking about his attitude. He seemed like a dick whenever I spent time with both of you. It didn't exactly surprise me when you told me he che—"
"I'm not stupid," I snapped. "He wasn't all bad. I know now that it was all a show, but he was different with me when no one else was around."
He backtracked quickly, his palms raised to me. "All I'm saying is your relationship with him isn't mine with Mason. We've been together for more than two years."
"You sound like a hypocrite."
"Elle—"
"'He cheated nonetheless,'" I quoted him. "A month ago, you were the one who brought up Matt cheating on me because you wanted my advice. Now you're the one saying it's different." My acidic voice trailed off as I felt a headache coming. I put a hand to my forehead. "I can't do this."
I started to get up, but he mirrored me. "I have to get to class anyway. We'll talk later. I'm glad you're alive."
I watched him walk out with angry eyes and sat back down. "Douche." I stayed after he left, deciding at the last minute to ditch Vincent's class to let my ibuprofen kick in. It was almost silent in here, except for the buzzing of the espresso machine behind me, which was unusually calming. I didn't realize I had closed my eyes until someone set something down on my table. I lifted my head to see the cup of coffee Eli got me, now refilled, and looked up to the man standing over it. He seemed about my age, maybe a year or two older. He had straight, pitch black hair, and piercing gray eyes with laugh lines around them. Overall, he reminded me of someone. His name tag said Aaron.
"On the house. Looked like you could use it." He gave me a kind smile.
I tried to return it. "Thanks."
I finished the drink and read a little bit before making my way to Physics. I heard Prof Addams had been on vacation, so I was pretty sure it would be an easy day. Our interim professor was sitting at the desk, flipping through a folder of papers, waiting for Addams to relieve him. I sat in my usual seat, next to my friend, Brandon Kostigan.
"Hey, Raisin Bran."
He looked over to smile crookedly. "Hey. Haven't seen you in, like, a month. Where have you been hiding?" I noticed some new ink on his russet-toned arm.
"The hospital," I answered.
He choked on his water at my blunt answer and his eyes bugged. "The what? Are you okay?"
"Oh, yeah. Just a little concussion." I brushed past it. "Catch me up. What chapter are we on?"
I flipped to the last page I remembered being on in my textbook. It took a few seconds for Brandon to finish reacting to my news. I was sure he at least knew me enough to know not to push me with questions on the subject.
Prof Addams walked in the room, dragging an old projector, saying hello to some students sitting at the front who were welcoming him back. As he was setting up, I took out my notebook and started doodling.
"What the hell is Jockstrap doing here?"
I refocused my eyes and followed Bran's line of sight to the door. The girl on the other side of him hears and does the same.
No. Fucking. Way.
"Did he transfer?" the girl whispered to her friend. The way she smiled made me want to punch her.
I shrank in my seat, not moving my eyes from Spencer, who was walking toward the professor. "Did you just call him Jockstrap?" I inquired Brandon.
He nodded. "I hate that guy."
"Why?"
"He slept with my ex-boyfriend while we were still together."
I finally tore my eyes away from Spencer. "He did what?"
"Shit, he's coming up here. Of all the fucking luck..."
I turned back to Spencer, darting my eyes back and forth between the floor and his face. Why is he doing this to me?
"Hey, you."
I tried to keep my tone neutral, even though an uncut and concentrated dose of panic coursed through me when he sat down. "Hi."
"Are you all right?"
"What are you doing here?
"Aren't you happy to see me?" he asked with a chuckle.
I felt many pairs of eyes on us. Of course today was the one day Addams decided to start class late. I waited for an answer.
Spencer shrugged. "I just traded days with this class. I wanted to see you more."
"Are you sure Molly didn't ask you to keep an eye on me?" I glared at him expectantly. Why didn't I predict this? Those fuckers. Spencer didn't deny it. "You don't even go to class on Mondays," I chastised.
"I do now. Since I switched, now I take off Wednesdays as well as Tuesdays."
I froze when he leaned in to kiss my cheek. Then my chair was suddenly being pulled toward him. "So, uh..." I cleared my throat. "We're going public now, are we?"
His eyes flashed away from me awkwardly. "Is that a problem?"
I mean... "I did just tell you on Friday that I wasn't ready for labels. It's just... Everyone's gonna know now, Spence. A head's up would've been nice." I glanced at Brandon and immediately regretted it. That was the face of betrayal. We weren't friends outside of this classroom anyway, but he was cool. And in my defense, I didn't know he had ill feelings toward Spencer.
He sighed quietly. "I know you did. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking when I did that."
"It's fine. I guess it's just delaying the—" I was about to say 'delaying the inevitable,' but I was suddenly unsure if it were true. I wasn't sure if I wanted him, long term.
"Delaying what?" he asked.
"Don't worry about it."
Luckily for me, Addams finally started the lecture, so Spencer couldn't press me on it.
It wasn't news that being with Holden has softened me up. Prior to the start of this thing with him, I wouldn't have cared what my classmates thought of me. I still didn't, but now I felt a pang of guilt for upsetting Brandon where I wouldn't have before.
When the bell rang, I jumped up. My head spun and I almost fell over.
Spencer was quick to steady me. "Avery."
Quickly, the black spots came back. I closed my eyes, trying to fight it.
"I'm taking you to the hospital," he demanded. He grabbed both of our bags in one hand and was about to lean down to carry me, but I pushed him away and sat back down.
"No."
"What do you mean, 'no'?" he hissed. "You could have another brain bleed."
"I just stood up too fast. Don't have a cow." When I looked up again and saw his expression, my eyes softened. I rested my palm on his cheek, and he put his hand over mine. "I'm sorry." I'm such an asshole. "I'm fine."
He swallowed. "Do you have any more classes today?"
"No."
"Good. Let's go. I'll take you home."
I didn't want to argue with him. I pulled out my phone to text Molly.
(1:52pm) Aristelle: Holden is driving me home. I parked my car at the library
"Are you hungry?" Spencer asked me as he turned up the heat in his car.
"Always."
He smiled. "For anything in particular?"
I shrugged. "I would just cook something, but there's not much at my place. Molly is going grocery shopping after her last class."
He side-eyed me. "Your roommate, who can't cook to save her life, is the one who does the grocery shopping for you guys?"
I laughed loudly. "No, she's not. I am. But she insisted today because of my... condition." I used air quotes for the word.
"I'll go with you then."
I turned to look at him with wide eyes. "You wanna go grocery shopping with me?"
"Why not?"
"I... I dunno... It's..."
"Too domestic for you?"
Not really what I was going for, but sure, that, too. I stared out the window, trying to find something interesting about the passing trees and old buildings. Somehow I knew he was smirking.
"Did I scare you?"
"No," I replied, too quickly.
He laughed at me. "Is that a no, then?"
I pursed my lips. "Yeah. Sure, we can."
He made a U-turn at the next stoplight to get on the highway.
(2:19pm) Aristelle: Don't bother going shopping, Holden is going with me
(2:24pm) Molls: Ha! I'd kill to see that
I smiled to myself. This was either going to be really fun or really horrible.
It took about ten minutes to get to the store. The lot was packed and we had to park on the side.
"You should get on that." Spencer pointed to an electric wheelchair cart that was abandoned out here.
I nudged him. "Fuck you."
"I mean, if you really want to."
I rolled my eyes. "That wouldn't be big enough for me, anyway." My kitchen was completely empty. This would be a full shop. I groaned internally.
"That's what she said," Spencer whispered. He came up behind me and walked us forward with his arms around my waist. I chuckled when he kissed my neck.
"You really have no chill, do you? We're in a public place." I unwound his arms from me.
He pretended to pout. "I can't help it."
"Well, you have to. Since you enjoy pushing my buttons so much, you can be the one to push the cart."
"We both know you would've made me do it anyways, prude."
I nodded. "You'll be eating that word one day." I promised him. I caught myself this time, and shoved a finger at him. "Don't say it."
He closed his mouth, then grinned widely. "Where to first, woman?"
Two excruciating hours later, we were back in his Vantage with the trunk completely full.
"Crap!" I yelled suddenly. Spencer jumped, slamming on the brake for a split second. I was jostled forwards then backwards against the seat.
"Jesus! What, what?!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to say that out loud. I forgot my utility wagon in my car."
"Your what?"
"Because I live on the third floor, I have this foldable cart for groceries so I can make just one trip upstairs."
He let out a deep breath. "Give me a heart attack, why don't you?"
Without thinking, I reached over and placed my hand on his chest. I smiled when he froze.
"Your pulse is racing," I confirmed. "My apologies." I didn't move my hand. He kept glancing from the road to me and back again. He pulled up to a stop sign and stared at me. I licked my bottom lip, unsure of what I was waiting for. I lunged forward and he met my touch with just as much enthusiasm.
"Hold that thought," he mumbled against my mouth and pulled away reluctantly. A car honked behind us.
We were at my place within five minutes, where he parked next to my car. I was surprised, grateful we got here after Molly. Spencer started to link the plastic bags across the length of his right arm.
"Hang on," I told him, getting my keychain out of my pocket, unlocking my car to retrieve the utility cart. Spence scoffed at me and continued his gathering.
Molly and Lucian stood from the couch just as we walked in. It was obvious we interrupted something, and I winked at her; I wasn't sure if he noticed.
"I'm gonna start making dinner soon," I announced after they helped put groceries away. "Linguine and steamed clams, if you two wanna stay?"
Spencer laid his chin on my shoulder and Lucian nodded.
I ordered Molly to stay on the couch while I cooked. Though, Spence did most of it. Lucian went back and forth between helping us and watching a movie with her.
"Lookin' good," I complimented Spencer.
"Thanks, but I know."
I rolled my eyes. "The food, dummy."
"My mum taught me everything she knows. She even opened her own restaurant two years ago, on her fortieth."
I raised an eyebrow. "I bet you think you can out-cook me."
"Of course not, darling." He turned toward me and leaned his side against the counter. "I know I can out-cook you."
"Whatever you say, honey. Dinner's ready, guys."
Spence took four plates from the cabinet and placed them on the dining table. He and Mol finished setting the table while Lucian came up to me.
"Hey," he whispered. "She told me everything."
I kept my eyes on what I was doing.
"I'm really sorry you had to go through that. And I know you have Molly and Holden, but I want you to know you can talk to me, too." His tone wasn't pitiful, which I appreciated.
I chuckled at his words. "Thank you, Lucian. Means a lot."
"Sure thing." He patted my shoulder twice before taking his stance by Molly again.
I really appreciated he didn't wait for a response or a pat on the back for being compassionate.
"Did you skip your first class?" Mol asked me when we all sat down. "I couldn't find you."
"Yeah, I did. Elijah was being a dick. He gave me a headache, so I didn't feel like going."
"What did he do now?"
I rolled my eyes. "Matthew drama. He was talking about how Mas—"
Spencer dropped his fork. "What? What did he say?"
I mainly directed my answer at Molly so I didn't have to watch his overly dramatic reaction. "About a month ago, he asked me what I did when Matt cheated because Eli's boyfriend had just cheated on him. But this morning he completely changed his perspective and got defensive when I called him out on it. He basically called me an idiot for trusting Matt at all because we were together for so little time. When I threw his own words at him today, he got all..."
Molly sighed. "All Elijah."
I shrugged and nodded.
"Does he not know that Castro is the one who put you in the damn hospital?" Spencer seethed.
"I don't know." I quickly changed the subject. "What did you need me for?"
"Hm?"
"Why were you looking for me during class?"
"Oh, I wasn't. I had to bring something to another professor and it was near you."
"Mm, okay."
She had always been a terrible liar, but I didn't want to press on it in front of company.
"So, do you live here now?" she questioned Spencer.
He lifted his head in a quick motion. "What?"
"You're always here. Every time I step out of my room, there's you."
He chuckled unevenly. "Very funny. I'm not here that often."
"Whatever you say, man," Lucian pipes up.
"Hey!" Spence defends. "You're both ganging up on me now? Avery, I'm not here that much, am I?"
I swallowed. "Don't involve me in this."
He gaped at me.
I slowly shifted my eyes to meet his. "Do not look at me like that. I'm not the one complaining. I'm not complaining," I promised him.
"You'd tell me if I was overstaying my welcome here, right?" Spence mumbled as he leaned toward me.
"Is that a joke?"
He sat up straight again. "Just checking."