Social Suicide

E L E V E N : I Have Only Mourned For You

SOCIAL SOLITUDE: ARISTELLE
Wednesday, October 24 2018
I got, maybe, two hours of sleep. I had spent the majority of yesterday under the weather and I was still trying to come down from it.
Regardless, it was back to my Wednesday routine. By four-thirty, I was sitting inside my car in the parking lot. The silence held me captive me for a while, almost suffocatingly so. I finally started up the engine and turned on some music to fill the void.
I was entranced by my headlights twisting against the curvature of the roads. My mind was so blank and yet so alert. I drove lazily to the baseball field, wishing I had gotten more rest. These nightmares have been fucking with my health for way too long now.
I parked crookedly and hopped out to get my gear out of the trunk.
"Hey."
I turned to see a raven-haired Adonis in the batting cage, his eyes crinkling from his gleaming smile.
"Z." I returned his unusual but kind gesture. "Fancy seeing you here. Where's Kody?"
"Stomach flu. He told me about your thing on Wednesdays awhile back, and I didn't want you to be alone out here."
I froze, noticing the way he was staring at me. I shrugged the thought away. "That's sweet, but you didn't have to go out of your way for me. I like being alone."
He chuckled playfully. "I know. So do I." He swiped the aluminum bat from my hands. I felt a jolt of static electricity when our skin met, but he acted like he didn't feel it.
I gulped. Memories from almost eighteen months ago flooded my mind, blurry but sentient. I attended a frat party on April twenty-eighth. Surprise, surprise.
The fragile state I had been in since I found out Matthew cheated on me with Angela—and even more so after almost drowning that same night—was just starting to fizzle out. That was until I saw them together for the first time, in public at that party.
Molly didn't go with me. She was too busy with Tyler. It was stupid to go alone, but I never missed one of their parties. I wasn't going to ditch just because I was afraid of running into him. But of course, the one night I went by myself was the one night I needed her.
I didn't even think they were a thing. I had thought it was a one-time hook up. Man, was I fooled. Seeing him with the girl he left me for had sliced open a new wound directly over the old.
Zander found me crying in the upstairs bathroom and he comforted me.
I didn't know it back then—or maybe I just refused to acknowledge it—but I had a major crush on him. Since even before I met Matthew. The first time I met Zander, the day before I joined the baseball team, I felt a spark. Not the literal one I felt just now, but a real intense, flipping. pit-in-my-stomach spark.
So I didn't stop him from kissing me.
Or from lifting me onto the bathroom counter. Or from reaching under my shirt. Or from grinding against me. We got as far as unbuttoning his jeans before a drunk sorority girl barged in on us, spewing her sick into the bathtub. We rushed out of there and Z got pulled away by his friends before we could talk about it.
Before Spencer, Zander was my last kiss. It took a few weeks for us to lose the sense of awkwardness—or maybe it was just me who felt awkward—and be able to speak again, but now it was like nothing happened. We never mentioned it afterwards.
"You call that a pitch?" I laughed when he let go of the ball. It flew passed me, five feet away from my face.
"Hey! I know I'm Captain, but it's been a while since anyone but Kody pitched."
"It's been a while for me, too, but I still know how," I teased.
"Okay, fine. Then why don't you show me how it's done?"
We switched sides and couldn't keep the smile off our faces as we readied positions. The ball flew at around eighty miles per hour and Zan swung at the precise moment. The aluminum struck the white sphere like a thunder clap, and we watched it disappear in the distance.
I lifted my arms, letting them slap back on my thighs. "Case in point."
"Remind me again why you didn't wanna be Captain?"
"Eh, being in charge isn't my thing. I'm good at being told what to do."
He raised his eyebrows.
I recoiled. "That came out wrong."
"I dunno, sounded good to me."
My heart leaped.
If this were anyone else but him, I'd be telling Zander to go fuck himself for saying that to me.
I chuckled nervously as he stared.
"Wanna get some breakfast with me when we're done?" he asked, hopeful.
I thought it through quickly. What could it hurt? He was my friend. I definitely considered him as such. There was no reason I had to not say yes. Plus, my Communications class with Professor Carter wasn't until eleven, and Elijah was with his parents for the week so I didn't have plans to meet with him.
"Sure. I could eat."
After a couple more rounds, we took his car to Chimes. We sat in the back even though the place was unusually empty for a mid-week morning. We were on opposite sides of the booth, and I folded my hands on my lap. "So... Care to explain?"
"What?"
"We've known each other for more than two years. You've never asked me to breakfast before."
He shrugged. "Just felt like it today."
We were then asked what we wanted to drink, putting a halt to the subject. He eyed me carefully as I poured one tiny cup of half-and-half and a single spoonful of sugar into the coffee. I tossed the spoon aside carelessly, wincing slightly at the loud noise, and lifted the mug to my lips.
"You stare a lot."
He grinned. "I like staring at you."
"Why?"
The waitress came back before he could reply. I had a feeling he wouldn't give me a straight answer anyway. Nobody ever did.
"Why did you join the team?" he wondered.
I sighed, giving him the same rehearsed answer I've given everyone else who asked the question. "It gives me an outlet for my rage."
"Rage?" He raised an eyebrow at me in disbelief.
"Yeah, I must seem like a basket of kittens to you."
He rolled his eyes. "Totally," he muttered.
"So why did you join?"
"It's fun."
"Do you plan on playing professionally?"
He laughed. "No. I'm a Psychology Major."
I shook my head at myself. "Well, I knew that. I don't know why I asked."
We ate in comfortable silence. I liked that Zander didn't try to force any small talk. He said only what needed to be said and that was it. I hated having a conversation while I ate.
He insisted on paying since he invited me, but I wouldn't let up until he at least let me cover the tip.
"So, why do you practice with Kody every Wednesday morning? We practice all the time anyway. And you loathe him. It doesn't make any sense."
I snapped my head up. "I what?"
"Kody? You can't stand him."
"Is it that obvious?" I mumbled.
"To everyone but him." He patted my thigh twice before placing it back on the steering wheel.
"Some people are a special kind of stupid." I didn't actually mean to say that out loud, but it is what it is.
"You really are something, aren't you?"
"I get that a lot."
After parking, he stepped out of his door before I could open my mouth to thank him.
"Where are you going?"
I wasn't sure if he heard me. I watched him in confusion as he circled the front of his sleek black Rover. He pulled the passenger door open and held his hand out for mine.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" He wiggled his fingers impatiently, waiting for my hesitant hand.
I decided not to fight him on it. I was just making my own life complicated. "Thanks." It sounded like a question.
I headed to my parking space and just as I was about to pull out my keys, Zander's arm snaked around my waist and pushed me against my car door. He twisted me around until our noses almost touched, and I lost my breath.
"I lied."
I used my last available breath to ask, "About what?"
"Why I asked you out."
Out? We were two friends having breakfast together. Did I miss something? He did not mention the word date.
He went on. "I've wanted to tell you this for a while."
Oh, please, no. Not now. "Zander—"
"You just need to hear it," he insisted. "Look, I spend more time with you than with most people in my life, and I feel lucky to know you. I love how you're so unapologetically yourself. You're talented and intelligent and just a little bit insane." He paused to grin as if it were a compliment, his faint French-Italian accent low and enticing. "But there's an honesty in your hatred. You also happen to be the most beautiful creature I've ever met. I want your mind. I want you."
We stood here unmoving, hardly an inch standing in the way of our faces connecting, time ticking by ever so slowly.
"I thought I knew who I was, but the day that I met you changed everything," he professed.
I still remember it like it was yesterday. It was a short encounter, but I recall it leaving me with butterflies.
On July eighth of the summer before Freshman year, the day before baseball tryouts, I was running late for a meeting with one of my lawyers—something to do with my mother's murder case.
It was almost one. I was supposed to be at the office by one-forty-five and it was just over an hour away, in Opelousas.
I yanked my jean jacket off the hook by the laundry room as Molly was assuring me she would have dinner ready when I got home, to give me some time for myself after the rough day she knew I was about to have.
"And you're positive you don't want me to go with you?" she asked for the millionth time.
I sighed. "Yes."
"Okay, just call me if you need me."
"I will. See you tonight, Mol."
I rushed down the hallway and desperately hoped there was enough gas in the car we shared so I wouldn't have to stop for some until after the meeting. As I pushed the ground floor button, an urgent voice caught my attention.
"Hold the elevator, please!"
A hand reached between the closing doors just in time.
They opened to reveal one of the most handsome faces I'd ever seen. He had dark peppered stubble on his jawline, his bottom lip was slightly fuller than his top and had a small loop pierced into the right side. When his honey brown eyes landed on me, they became a-fire with wonder over a sharp nose and a friendly smile.
"Thank you, miss."
"No problem. Down?" I asked.
"Yes."
It took a second for the elevator to comply. It had a knack for being exceptionally slow when I was in a rush.
"Are you new around here?"
I cleared my throat. I'm not great at small talk, especially not around someone this beautiful. "Yeah. I moved in about a month ago. I start classes in the fall. You live here, too?"
"No, no, just visiting a friend. We go to LSU, too. Just finished my first year. Have you decided on your major?"
I tried not to sound impatient. My lawyer was gonna give me an earful. "Computer Engineering," I shared with him.
"That's neat. I'm in Psychology. I'm Zander, by the way." He held out his hand to me. "Zander Jackson."
"Aristelle Avery." I shook it automatically and jumped slightly when I felt a chill shake through my entire system. We didn't let go or break eye contact until the ding alerted us that we had arrived at the ground floor.
He waved his hand out to let me out first. I nodded politely.
"It was nice meeting you. I'll be seeing you around."
I allowed myself a couple more ogling seconds before turning and practically sprinting toward my car.
It was barely seven o'clock now and the sun was just starting to rise. The dark purple sky and the orange street lights surrounding us created an incredibly idyllic and romantic setting, I must admit.
I just wasn't sure he was the one I wanted in it with me.
"Tell me you don't feel it, too." His eyes were almost glistening.
I had never seen this side of him before. The freshman girl inside me was swooning. All the feelings I had for him back then flooded to the surface. But this time, I did stop him from kissing me.
Because I wanted to be the one to kiss him.
I lunged forward and his lips crashed into mine. My arms found their way around his toned back as he buried his hands in my long hair and pushed himself against me, ending up inside my car. I arched my back against the seats and yielded myself to Zander's endlessly seeking hands. It took me longer than I cared to admit to remember where we were. Anyone could show up to the field at any moment.
I pulled away slowly so I wouldn't hurt his feelings. It's not that I wasn't attracted to him. It's not that I didn't want him, right now, in this moment. It's that I knew I would regret it.
He pulled my shirt back down and helped me exit the car again. I glanced around, relieved that we were still alone in the parking lot.
"I... I'm not..."
"In the same place I am?" he finished for me, nodding slowly, all hope vanishing from his eyes.
"That's not it," I said too quickly. "Not exactly." I had no words. My mouth hung open, searching for something to say.
He waited patiently.
"If I'm ever going to be worth anything to you—to anyone—I need to fix what's wrong with me."
"There's nothing to fix," he replied softly. He moved a piece of hair behind my ear and stepped back. "Thank you for joining me for breakfast. I'll see you at the game on Sunday." He squeezed my hand once more before retreating to his car. I couldn't move until after he was out of sight.