Social Suicide

T W E L V E : You Watch The Moon, I Watch You

SOCIAL SOLITUDE: ARISTELLE
Monday, October 29 2018
Our Physics seminar ran behind schedule. Professor Addams was twenty minutes late and took an extra ten to tell us why. Half of the class had already left as soon as the initial fifteen minutes were up, so he took his sweet time getting along with the day's lecture. The only reason I stayed was because I had nowhere better to be—I'd rather get my money's worth at this school.
"I'm going to study hall before I go home, if you wanna come?" I asked Eli as we walked out the double doors.
"Can't." Elijah frowned slightly. "Gotta run. I have swim practice in forty-five minutes, then I'm meeting Mason. He just got back into town."
He sounded nervous, but I didn't want to pry. "All right. I hope it goes the way you want it to."
"I do, too. Talk to you later." He squeezed my hand as he left.
I figured the library would be empty and serene enough to study in. That was... until I finished my second summary sheet and looked up to see a green-eyed, curly headed, broad-shouldered tree heading for me.
I shielded my eyes. Please go away, I silently pleaded, though I knew it was for nothing.
"Hey, darling." The chair across the table from me scraped against the thin, ancient rug.
I raised my heavy eyelids and glared at him. That was new. "I'm sorry, what?"
Spencer ignored it. "You left me hanging the other night. What was that about?" His voice was dark, demanding. That part wasn't necessarily new, but his expression yelled the opposite—playful.
He was referring to me abandoning his place while he was sleeping the night of the bowling game. "I had somewhere to be," I put it simply. It wasn't true, and by the look he gave me, he already knew that.
He hummed doubtfully. "Are you coming to my game tonight?"
"Why would I do that?"
He folded his hands in front of him as he stared me down. "To support our school."
The glimmer in his irises as his temper rose was more than a little amusing. I egged him on. "Again, why would I do that?"
"Because I'm asking."
"That doesn't mean anything to me."
He leaned forward slowly. "Well, I could always make you."
His tone was calm, almost seductive. I squeezed my thighs together and leaned forward, raising my eyebrows. "Could you?"
"Sure I could."
I didn't break contact with Spencer for several more seconds, then let out a chuckle. "I have to. Molly's dragging me along so she can spend time with Lucian."
"Good. I'll see you there," he accepted, as if he weren't surprised by the information. "Later, Avery." He stood to float away.
I waited until he was out the front door before ditching the rest of my studies and deciding to leave as well.
I hadn't been sleeping lately. Night terrors had been keeping me up. I didn't even go to this past weekend's party, which never happened.
I reduced myself to the confines of my home, staying away from the world outside of school. After last week's debacle with Spencer and even Zander, I needed space.
Part of me felt bad, but I couldn't help it. It was the way I was wired. The closer I got to someone, the further away I felt. I suppose if anyone experienced what I have, they'd feel the same way.
I tried to convince myself that I was just broken. I could be fixed. It would just take time.
But it wasn't a clean break. That was the problem.
"Are you riding with us?" Molls asked me, her head in the fridge.
I swiveled around in a bar stool on the other side of the counter. "No," I answered. "Elijah should be here soon. I figured I'd give you and Lucian an escape if you needed it. I wasn't planning on being there long anyway."
"Do you have your own plans?"
"Zander invited our team over to his place for a mixer tonight. I'm gonna find a time to pull him away and discuss our..."
"Thing?" She raised her eyebrows.
"We don't have a thing," I firmly corrected. "But... yes."
"Which way are you leaning?" she wondered, flipping a bottle lid around her fingers.
"Both. Neither." I rolled my eyes. "You remember how much I liked him when we met."
"Mm-hm," she encouraged. "I also remember trying my hardest to convince you to go after him instead of Matthew."
"Don't remind me." I sighed. If only I had listened. "But I'm going to tell Zan that nothing can happen." I held up a hand. "And not just because of Spencer," I added before she could ask.
"Just..." she whispered with a smirk.
I couldn't help but laugh. "What, now you're abandoning your loyalty to Zander? Moving over to Team Holden?"
"I switch teams whenever I feel like it, honey," she played along with a chuckle.
I knew all she would care about is how they treated me. At the end of the day, that would be her only deciding factor. "What I mean is... I have a lot of things to figure out, and I don't want to experiment with Zander. He's a good person."
"Well, if I remember what you told me correctly, he told you there's nothing you need to change about yourself that would make him love you more. He wants you for you."
"Okay, he never said anything about loving me. But still. Spencer is different. Not that I'm interested in starting anything with him, either, but..." I groaned. "I'm not used to this. I thought this kind of thing only happened in movies and books. I don't want to choose."
Thankfully, a knock on the door halted the topic. Molly opened it with her naturally animated behavior to let Elijah in. Behind him stood an unusually shy Lucian.
"Look who I found," Eli announced, letting himself through to my bedroom.
I nodded in greet. "Vaughn."
"Evening, Avery." He looked over at Molly. "You look radiant. Shall we?"
She looped an arm through his.
"I'll meet you there shortly," I told them, heading back to retrieve my phone and wallet. "Eli?"
His voice travelled from my bathroom. "I'm fixing my hair. Give me a sec."
I leaned against the doorframe. He was brushing back his barely-inch-long black threads. "What hair?"
He threw the comb over his shoulder at me. "Bitch. I'll remember that."
"Whatever, man. Let's go. My car or yours?"
"Mine."

I felt the rain coming. The frigid air made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and I was glad I remembered my letterman jacket.
Elijah returned to our spot on the bleachers with drinks and a massive tray of nachos. I made a face.
"Don't be like that. A few won't kill you."
"My body is a temple," I refused in disgust.
"More for me, then."
"You wish." Molly slapped his hand away from the other side of me, helping herself.
It was halftime already. The football players ran to their respective areas, everything but the hair under their helmets drenched and covered in mud. We were up by fifteen.
Lucian whooped as Spencer ran toward the tunnel to our right. Our seats were nearly on the ground. Spence returned the enthusiasm, then looked over and locked eyes with me. I couldn't look away.
He nodded his head once, a gesture to follow, before continuing on inside the tunnel.
Vaughn turned to me. "Was that for me or for you?"
I shrugged. "Don't know. But I'm not going."
"I thought you guys were getting along."
"We are," I confirmed. I heard the doubt in my own voice. "But I spend enough time in those sweaty locker rooms. You be my guest. I should get going, anyway."
Elijah scrunched his eyebrows, wiping excess liquid from his lips as he pulled away from his cup. "It's only halftime."
"I gotta meet someone."
Molls gave him a wink. "It's Zander," she dragged.
Eli gasped dramatically. "Stella! You little slut. You've been holding out on me."
"Oh, please." I stood to go, phone in hand. I walked down the slippery metal stairs.
(8:24pm) Ari: Would you mind picking me up from the game?
(8:25pm) Z: Not a problem. Meet you on the south side in ten minutes
I wiped the raindrops off my phone. Just as I slid it into my back pocket, a warm grasp dragged me backwards.
"Avery."
I sighed. "Spencer."
"I asked you here and you're not even going to say hi to me?"
Where are my manners? "Hi." I smiled.
"Cute. Why are you cutting out? The game isn't over."
"See one, you've seen them all. Besides, I have somewhere to be." I moved to walk around him, but he mirrored my step.
"Yeah, I've heard that before." He pulled gently on my hand toward a fluorescent purple street lamp, just barely out of the rain. "Did I say something wrong? Did I do something to upset you?"
No, I told him silently. You did everything right. Not that I'm going to admit that. "I'm not really into the whole hot-and-cold thing you have going on. I don't have time for games."
"No games," he swore.
"I..."
What else could I say? What did he even mean by that? I may not want games, but I don't necessarily want the real thing, either. I don't know what I want at all.
"I swear it," he continued, his head moving down. Before I could process what was happening, his lips touched mine. I let myself sink into him for a split second before I pulled away.
My mouth hung open for a second, my eyes darting back and forth. I whirled around to flee. "Everyone needs to stop kissing me."
He was in front of me again before I could blink. "I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself."
I let out a breath. "I think it would be better if we're just friends."
"Friends? I think we're moving a little too fast." He grinned.
Rolling my eyes, I couldn't help but grin, too. "Shut up. Let's just... start there. Okay?"
"Okay."
"And like I said, I have somewhere to be." I lightly squeezed his upper arm. "Good luck with the rest of your game."
I felt his eyes on me as I walked away.