Social Suicide

T H I R T Y - O N E : The Return

SOCIAL SOLITUDE: ARISTELLE
Monday, December 17 2018
After a long day back at school, also the last one before Winter Break, I sunk into the couch as soon as I got home.
It felt like the past two and a half weeks had never happened, that I had never left. Aside from the fact that Spencer still hadn't talked to me or returned my calls—but I didn't know any different before two months ago, anyways.
Even though our classes rotated differently—his was weekly and mine was biweekly—we both ended up not having Professor Addams today, so he was able to avoid me.
I didn't like the way the tables had turned between us. I used to be the one avoiding him.
Now that I've realized my love for him, all I wanted was for him to speak to me again. Or to just look in my direction.
I hated this. I can't love him. But I do.
Molly leaned against my threshold and knocked lightly on my door. "Hey, you. What are we doing for dinner?"
I shrugged, sitting up. "I'm not really in the mood to eat."
She narrowed her eyes at me in disapproval. "You haven't eaten much of anything since you've been back. And I still don't know where you went or how much nutrition you got there, either. So indulge me. Anything you want, I'm buying."
Because she hasn't pressed the subject like I thought she would, I patted my bed as a gesture of invitation.
"What is it?" she inquired, plopping down in front of me.
"I went to Chicago," I confessed.
She thought about it for a moment. "Does that mean you got my voicemail?"
I nodded sadly. "Right before I got in the car and came back here. Look... I'm sorry for the things I said to you the night before I left. I hope you know I didn't mean them. I just needed—"
"You needed me to let you go. What, you think I don't know you or something?" She smiled at me, but it didn't quite meet her eyes.
"I'm still sorry I hurt you. With the all-consuming way that I love you, sometimes I forget that you're grown and don't need anyone's protection." I reached for her hand, my voice stern. "But you listen to me... I will always protect you. In whatever way I think I have to. And I will never apologize for that."
"I know." She stood. "Have you talked to Holden?" she asked, treading carefully.
"I've tried. He won't hear it." I wasn't sure if he was truly upset with me or if he was just paying me back with the silent treatment. I may be stubborn, but I didn't understand why he was so furious. I left for his own good.
"Maybe you should go to him, then. Make him hear you."
I shook my head lightly. "What's the point? If he doesn't want to be with me, who am I to try and convince him otherwise?"
She rolled her eyes at me. "You are so dense sometimes."
I scoffed.
"Elle. Come on. Did you not see his face the other day? He was so relieved you were safe. Every day, he'd be here, hoping you had come home. That doesn't sound like a man who doesn't want you."
It took me a second to process it. "He told me he loved me," I whispered.
"What?! When?" She sat back down with me, her eyes bugging.
"The night I left, he came outside after me. We argued."
"You didn't say it back, did you?" she asked, expectant.
I raised my eyebrows. "What do you think?"
She tried to read my face for a moment. "Do you?"
I knew she knew before she asked. What must she see on my face? "He makes it pretty hard not to," I finally admitted. "It's just not the right time."
"When is there ever a right time?"
"You know what I mean. I have a lot to work on."
"That doesn't mean you deserve to be alone."
"I'm not alone." I stared at her. "I have you."
She gave me a small grin. "Love is rare. You did a pretty shitty thing, all right? That doesn't mean all hope is lost. Holden may need a little space right now, but don't just give up yet." She wrapped her arms around me, speaking cautiously. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything." I pulled away.
"It's about your mom."
I stiffened. "What about her?"
"When she told you to come back here... did it actually feel like her?"
Not that I believe in ghosts—unlike Molly—but in the moment, it did feel like her. It's mostly just a blurry memory now. "I know it sounds crazy, but yeah."
"Did she say anything else?"
I sighed in thought. "That I'd be okay. That she'd always be with me."
"It must've been nice, right? To have that."
"I don't know how I feel about it yet. All I do know for sure is that if she saw me now, who I've become... I don't think she'd like me very much."
"Don't say that," Molly snapped.
I stared at the ground. "Do you think someone broken can be fixed?"
Her expression softened. "The word 'broken' implies as such. It just takes time."