Social Suicide

T H I R T Y - F O U R : The Heart Beyond Saving

SOCIAL SOLITUDE: ARISTELLE
Monday, December 24 2018
How much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before it's some kind of murder?
I've almost died four times, but none have been more painful than this.
I've lost my mother. I've lost my stepfather. My brother and sister have practically been strangers to me ever since they left for college when I was ten. My bio-dad was a monster. Elijah and I are on the outs. Spencer hates me. Molly won't speak to me. Zander is complicated. Lucian is fine, I guess, but we've never been particularly close unless it was about baseball.
Maybe I am destined to be alone.
I didn't know what my next move should be. How many times can I apologize? What are the right words that'll make them listen and understand?
I wasn't sure how I felt about the phone call anymore, but I was terrified that night. I thought it was better to be safe than sorry, so I left with the hopes Daniel would follow me wherever I went.
The one time I tried to be selfless, it completely backfires. Figures.
The bell of the door rang above me. "Welcome to Einstein's!" a perky employee whom I've never seen before greeted me. I gave her a sharp glare, which immediately tore the smile from her face. She went back to wiping the table as I made my way to the counter.
"Hey, Alston."
"Long time, no see. Usual?" they asked, polite yet straight to the point.
"Please, a dozen this time," I confirmed gratefully.
They reached down for some napkins. "You got it. Eleven-sixty."
Molly was sitting on the couch when I got home, breakfast in hand. She'd still been keeping her distance since the other day, but at least she wasn't giving me the silent treatment. I guess that counted as something good.
"Hey."
She looked up briefly before returning her attention to the flat screen. "Hi."
I set down the bag and raised my arms in a show of harmony. "Peace offering. Are you hungry? I got you some bagels and coffee from Einstein's."
She pursed her lips, then heaved a dramatic sigh. "I guess. Are you planning on giving me some answers now?"
I rolled my eyes, frustrated now. "I don't know what you want from me, Mol. I've been having a hard time, all right? My grades have been plummeting for the last month. I'm worried about you. I freak out every time my phone rings... I've been home for nine days, and Spencer is still icing me out." I closed my eyes with my elbows on the counter, my head in my hands. "What did I do to make you so mad this time, huh? Is it that I left you at the party, even though you know I didn't want to be there in the first place? Is it that I hooked up with Zander? Is it that I haven't been spending much time with you lately? Are you still pissed at me for leaving? What is it?"
She slid up onto a barstool, reaching over to pick up a bagel. "You've just been... different," she stated. "I would never lessen your feelings or try to explain away your earned paranoia, however you got it. You should know that. I know I was caught off guard when I picked you up from Zander's place, but I was just confused. I had no idea you were even into him because you never talk to me anymore. Ever since your mom..." She took a moment to think. I glanced back up at her. "You've had to adjust to a lot of change in your life. And before now, I was always involved in it. You never kept me out of the loop. So I got... defensive, I guess. It hurt."
Unsure of what to say or how to explain it, I just hugged her. "You know that's always the last thing that I want. But you also know me. Whenever something happens, I push away because I need time to figure out what to do. You have enough to worry about and the last thing you need is more stress. I know what I heard that night, whether or not you believe me—"
"I do believe you. I believe you believe it was him." Molly shrugged out of my arms to look me in the eye. "You are the most important thing to me. Just trust that I know my limits, but I still need to be involved, you got it?"
I couldn't help but smile. No matter how much I fuck up, in her eyes I'll always be me. Not the damaged version I now see myself as, but me. The one she's always known. "Got it."
We sat on the couch and ate our breakfast in comfortable silence, one of her shows on the flat screen.
For the first time in a while, my mind was empty and peaceful. The only significant thought in my mind was the desire to just enjoy a simple moment with my best friend, despite all the crazy things that have happened to us in the last few months, all that's changed.
Molly rattled around the ice in her coffee cup. "Can I talk to you about something? I don't know if I want advice or if I just need to say it out loud, but..."
"Either way, it probably doesn't do any good just stirring around in your head, so, out with it." I put my plate on the coffee table and twisted my body to face her.
She shrugged, considering. "It's about Lucian."
"All right," I urged calmly.
I could tell she was trying to put together the right words. There was a small crease that formed between her eyebrows whenever she was worried about something. I sat patiently for a bit, watching her fidgety movements.
"How well do you know him?"
I pressed my lips together. "Honestly, not as well as I should. He's always there for our team. And I know a couple of little things about him and his family, but we've never really hung out enough to know each other."
"What kind of 'little things'?" she wondered.
I sighed, trying to remember. "Baseball is his life. He likes tacos. He also—" I looked at her pointedly. "—sucks at cooking."
She rolled her eyes with a grin.
"He was born in Seattle, but his family moved to New York when he was... three, I think. He became really close to his parents after his brother died."
She cut me off. "His brother died?! Are you sure?"
"Yeah," I said softly. "He was having an off day at a game once and I asked him what was wrong, because, you know, he's usually so upbeat all the time. I'm not exactly sure how, but it happened about three years ago, when he was twenty-four. His name was Darren."
"That's horrible," she lamented.
"Don't go acting all weird around him now," I warned. "Fight Club, you understand? You can't tell him I told you." We're supposed to have complete trust on the field, and this would surely violate that.
"Then why did you?"
"I told you all that under the assumption you knew it, too. I mean, you've been together for, like, two months. What do you guys talk about?"
She crossed her arms. "Things that don't matter, apparently."
Jeez. Nice going, Elle. "Well in that case, while I'm at it, why don't I tell you a bunch other of things about everyone's business?" My tone turned derisive in self-loathing. "Lucian's car actually came from that dead brother. One of my classmates hates Spencer because he slept with his boyfriend. Zander has a piercing on his dick. My Professor hit on me and threatened to write me up if I didn't sleep with him. Let's see... Oh, while I was in Chicago, my friend Mercury Hale kissed me."
I stopped my rant when I looked over to see Molly's eyes bugging at me.
I stared back calmly, tearing off a piece of my bagel. "What?" I asked, mouth full.
"Okay, we need to go back to a lot of that later, but... No, actually, I don't know where to start."
"Mm-hm. How about we work our way up?" I stood for the kitchen and opened the fridge to get some cream cheese.
She raised her eyebrows. "I didn't know Holden was into guys."
"No? You've never heard anybody talk about him sleeping around?" He shared that he was omnisexual when we were discussing our dealbreakers one drunken night.
"A few, but I guess they weren't that specific."
I sank back down next to her. "What's next?"
She stifled a chuckle. "V-I-Penis? It's true?"
I held onto my stomach and hunched over in laughter. "It's true. It's very true."
"Oh, my god." She let out a deep sigh. "So what happened between you and Mercy?"
"Ah, I... I don't know. I was having a moment, and she was saying all the right things. It shouldn't have happened," I decided.
"Maybe it should have. It got you thinking, didn't it?"
I glared at her. "Don't say it."
And of course, she says it anyway. "If I remember correctly, she has green eyes, doesn't she?" She wiggled her eyebrows. "I wonder who else has green eyes."
I leaned my head back, eyes closed. "Shut up."
She muted the television, her voice edging on angry. "Which Professor was it?"
"Applied Algorithms. Schreiber." I pulled out my phone. "It happened the day before I left. I made some snarky comment and he asked me to stay behind after class to talk about it, so I recorded the conversation."
I pressed the button and waited as it played through, feeling sick all over again.
"Piece of shit." Molly scoffed. "I thought the two of you got along?"
"Yeah, so did I."
"You're smart. I never would have thought to do that. I guess you just never know."
I nodded slowly, then realized we got off track. "Why were you asking about Lucian?"
"Oh, um." The crease on her forehead was back. Was it bad? Did he do something? Did she?
"Breathe, Mol," I reminded her.
She gave me a small smile. "I don't think we're right for each other," she finally whispered.
That was unexpected. "What makes you say that?" It always seems so easy between them, effortless.
Then again, maybe that was the problem. There wasn't any fire, no tension, nothing to solve.
"It's just a feeling I've had recently. He's so kind and compassionate and he makes me laugh. I just don't think we have to be together to be good for each other. Or that we should be together."
"That's true; it shouldn't feel forced. Maybe you guys just jumped into it too fast," I suggested, putting a hand on her arm. "Maybe you should be friends and really get to know each other. Talk about the things that matter right now and save the rest of it for later. There's no rush on this kind of thing."
She thought about it. "Do you think he'll hate me for ending it?"
I shook my head with certainty. "He's not a hateful guy. He'll understand where you're coming from. And who knows? He might feel the same way."
"I guess." She nodded as she stood. "I need to go run some errands before end-of-day so I can be back to study."
I pulled myself up as well and decided to take inventory in the pantry for dinner ideas. I probably should study, too, but I just wasn't feeling it.
I couldn't believe Christmas was tomorrow already. Molly may have decorated the apartment, but nothing about life right now seemed high in jolly spirits.
Maybe I should call Elijah and try to make peace. We hadn't spoken in nearly a month and life was starting to feel weird without his snide commentary.
Eli worked as a technician at a computer store in Monticello and didn't get off until six. He worked every other Monday, but I wasn't sure what his schedule looked like this week. Even if he was originally supposed to be, he might have requested time off for the holidays.
I pulled my phone out to text him.
(3:28pm) Aristelle: Are you busy?
When he finally responded, the sun had already set. Molly was in her room and I had just gotten out of the shower.
(6:04pm) Eli: I just got off work, but I have plans tonight. Come over tomorrow?
(6:12pm) Aristelle: What time?
(6:21pm) Eli: Five?
(6:25pm) Aristelle: I'll see you then
The hard part was done. I hated being the one to reach out.
This was the last time. If our issues aren't resolved tomorrow or if we tread backwards again, it'll be on him to fix it.