Social Suicide

S E V E N T E E N : Heart For The Damned

SOCIAL SOLITUDE: ARISTELLE
Wednesday, October 31 2018
At first, Spencer didn't respond to my touch. Whether he was frozen in shock, or he thought I was crazy, I didn't know.
But then, he kissed me back.
His arms snaked around me, clinging my body to his. The bedsheets were dangerously close to slipping away.
Spencer stretched, lifting me up with him. He spun around and laid back on my bed so he didn't have to bend down the ten inches to me anymore. He balled up the sheets in his fist.
"Elle," he breathed, blowing hot air into my mouth. I wasn't able to form a reply.
I tried to calm myself down a little so I wouldn't spontaneously combust. My imagination didn't hold a candle to what this was really like. It was as if I had never felt human contact in my entire life.
Our lips disconnected, but I didn't get off of him. I rested my forehead on his as I tried to catch my breath. His fingers lightly traced random patterns along my spine.
"This is a mistake," I finally said.
"Maybe."
"Definitely." I sighed and leaned back. "I promise you... You don't want this."
"And I promise you that is not true." He looked down at his lap and I understood what he meant.
I shoved him lightly. "I'm serious. This isn't right."
"Why would you say that?"
"It's complicated."
He nodded sarcastically. "How did I know you were gonna give me some cryptic answer like that?" He pushed his hair back and stared at me silently.
I slid off his lap.
"Where are you going?"
I made my way to the bathroom without answering him.
Spencer tapped his knuckles against the door three times. "Avery."
I put on my robe, debating on whether I should take a shower before or after breakfast.
"Come on, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it the way you took it."
I opened the door, deciding to satiate my hunger first. "I don't care what way you meant it," I said, walking past him.
"Then why are you angry?"
I paused at the threshold of my room to face him. "Who said I was angry?" I asked.
"You're being short with me."
"I'm short with everyone," I reminded him, confused. I knew what was coming the moment that word came out of my mouth.
He pursed his lips with wide eyes. "I mean, you're not wr—"
I sharply held up a finger at him. "If you make a joke about my fucking height right now..."
Spencer's lips mashed together, fighting a smile. I rolled my eyes and stomped away.
I took out ingredients for blueberry waffles, Molly's usual breakfast of choice. I didn't usually eat in the morning, but since I slept through dinner, I was starving. I tried to be quiet so not to wake her.
"Actually, maybe I will take a shower here, if you really don't mind."
"Of course not. Here." I gestured for him to follow me to my closet and pulled out a gray tee-shirt with black sweatpants I was sure would fit him. Elijah left them here months ago, and the two of them were about the same size.
"Thanks, darling." He pecked my lips and went back the way we came. I stood there for a second and reached up to touch my lips. The misanthrope side of me wondered what the hell that meant. But the buried, deeply shameful, lonely and pining side of me told it to shut up.
Well, if it wasn't the consequences of my actions. Did my kissing him make him think we were more than friends? I really shouldn't be around people.
Spence returned to me with wet hair. He had put on the sweats, but his chest was bare. I didn't even try to hide my
stare.
"Breakfast is finished. It's almost five-thirty, so I'm gonna wake Molly." I knocked on her bedroom door, but didn't wait for a response since she never did. I wished the Grim Reaper would take me right then and there.
Lucian Vaughn's bare ass was staring me in the face as he buried himself in my best friend. She screamed and I slammed the door shut.
"Put a damn sock on the door, for fuck's sake!" I yelled.
Spencer was doubled over, cackling behind me.
"Laugh it up." I put my head in my hands, leaning over on the counter next to him. "You're not the one who has to burn their eyes."
"Don't fret, love. Happens to everyone once or twice." He wrapped his arms around me from behind, pulling me to his chest. I felt the vibration of his laughter under his chin.
Molly's door opened, but I couldn't bring myself to look yet. "Nice one, mate," Spencer praised over my head.
"Would you think it was so funny if you were the one who had your best friend walk in on you during sex?" Molly glared at him.
"I did think it was funny, actually," he challenged.
A weird sting in the pit of my stomach made me lift up my head.
"So, have you guys done the whole dirty shebang yet?" She wiggled her eyebrows. "Emphasis on the bang."
"I don't kiss and tell. I'm a gentleman."
"Sure you are," Lucian demurred.
I cleared my throat, moving around the counter to get plates for everyone.
She gasped. "You did! You did, didn't you?!"
"No, we didn't."
She bumped her hip into mine. The boys were speaking amongst themselves at the dining room table. "Well, something definitely happened. I can tell by your body language with him. What was it?"
I glanced back to make sure my words were for only her. "I think we almost did, like an hour ago. I stopped it."
"But why?" she asked sincerely. "It's clear you like him. And you at least trust him enough to spend the night here while you're unconscious and... defenseless. I mean, you were with Matt for more than four months, and he didn't start sleeping over until the third. And as far as I know, it was only once."
"You know why," I said softly. "Spence doesn't yet. And I—"
"Don't know if you can trust he'll stay. I know that. But you gotta start somewhere, right?"
I sighed, raising my voice to a normal conversation level. "I know. I'll get there."
Spencer's head lifted up. "Get where?"
"Mind your business." I smiled at him.
"Yes, ma'am."
I may have overdone it on breakfast. We sat at the table together, small piles of waffles, strawberries, toast, cereal, and bacon in front of us.