Social Suicide

T H I R T Y - F I V E : The Heart Beyond Reach

SOCIAL SOLITUDE: ARISTELLE
Tuesday, December 25 2018
Christmas had never been a big deal to me, even when my mother was alive and my family was whole. Religion aside, you shouldn't need a special day to dedicate your time and effort to the ones you love. My list was short, but profound.
Molly had been by my side for, literally, my entire life—minus eighteen minutes.
Well, her and Miles. He's only two years older than us, so he was around even longer than my own brother and sister were.
My mother and I always spent holidays at the Usinov house next door. The inside of our fences were knocked down, so our two backyards were merged into one. There was a dome and twinkly lights all over the top, which is what made it homey enough for family dinners.
That's what I loved the most and miss the most about my childhood. Family time. And then in an instant, it was ripped away from me.
I woke up to a warm sunbeam on my face. The digital clock on my nightstand read eleven-fifty-one.
I smelled the toaster's heat in the kitchen. I immediately recognized the sound of canned whipped cream and knew Molly was making my favorite breakfast, causing me to throw over my comforter and jump out of bed.
I watched her get a plate from the cabinet next to the fridge and place two small chocolate chip waffles in the center. She smeared butter on them both, drizzled maple syrup on one, added whipped cream, then flipped it over the other one, making it into a sandwich.
"I hope we have some strawberries left."
She jumped at the sound of my voice. "Jesus, Ells!" she exclaimed, a hand on her chest. "Good morning to you, too."
"Mornin'." I kissed her cheek, forcing myself to be cheery. I needed this to be a good Christmas for her, if nothing else. "Is that for me?"
"Yes!" She grinned. "And the strawberries are on the shelf in the door."
"Sweet. Do you have any plans today?" I wondered.
"Not really. Just our usual thing tonight. If you'd like, we can invite some people over. Maybe have a little dinner party."
I narrowed my eyes. "People like who?"
We set our breakfast down at the bar instead of the table like we normally do.
"People like... Lucian. Miles. Zander, if you want?"
I shrugged. "I don't know."
"Have you talked to him since you guys—"
"No." I was quick to change the subject. "I'm surprised Miles doesn't have his own plans. I'm even more surprised that you're talking to him again."
I remembered how freaked out she was the night of the Halloween party, when he disappeared on us. She was still so angry when I woke up from the coma two weeks later.
"He visited while you were in Chicago, even stayed in your room for three nights."
I raised my eyebrows at her. Did she wash my bed sheets?
"He talked me down for the most part," she continued, "But at the very least, I just wanted to let the whole thing go so it wouldn't stress me out."
"Well, I'm glad. So he's coming?"
"Yeah." She didn't seem all that excited about it.
"I'm going to Elijah's later, to talk things out. I'll see if he wants to come, too."
"Mm-hm," she hummed, her mouth full. I sensed judgment, but she didn't bring it up again.
I was so glad to be on break from school. Even though I've been absent a lot already this year, I still felt so drained. I hadn't been sleeping; I'm constantly distressed and overthinking.
Just one more year of this, I had to keep telling myself. Then I could move away from everything I knew and start over.
Though, as Molly likes to occasionally remind me, I didn't even need the degree I was pursuing. As long as I manage my money well, my million dollars could set me up for life. College started out as a distraction, but I grew to love engineering.
Laying in bed, I pulled out my phone. I was writing an essay in my notes, swiping back and forth between that and social media every now and then. Eventually, I opened my text messages.
(3:02pm) Aristelle: Hey, you
(3:37pm) Z: Hey yourself
(3:41pm) Aristelle: I know it's last minute, but are you free tonight?
(3:49pm) Z: I might be. What for?
(3:53pm) Aristelle: Molly and I are having some people over for dinner and a small party. I was wondering if you wanted to come
(3:55pm) Z: I think I can make it. How late?
(3:58pm) Aristelle: Eight
(4:00pm) Z: I'll be there
I sent him a smiley face and slid off my bed so I could shower before heading to Elijah's. I washed my face and redid my hair first—just added some small clips up on the sides—then threw on some light blue jeans with a thick and long bell-sleeved black sweater that had strings hanging out behind the elbows.
It wasn't too terribly cold outside, degree wise, but the wind made it brutal. Thankfully, my car had great heating.
(4:43pm) Aristelle: I'm on my way
(4:44pm) Eli: Door's unlocked
I pulled up to his loft within fifteen minutes and let myself in. His television was on, but he wasn't watching it.
"Elijah?" I called out.
His voice came from the bedroom above my head. "Be down in a minute!"
I plopped down on the couch to wait. I hated how awkward I felt sitting here. This used to practically be my second home, and now it just feels foreign.
Eli came down the metal stairs with a rested look on his face, his brown eyes sullen behind his glasses. He didn't make eye contact with me yet.
He padded over silently to his fridge and offered me a bottle of water.
"Thanks."
"What did you want to talk about?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I thought we should... clear the air, once and for all."
Elijah nodded slowly, looking lost in thought.
I refrained from rolling my eyes. Does it have to be all on me? I'm the one who initiated this. I'm the one who came to his place. He couldn't come up with anything to say about it?
"How have you been?" I asked.
He said nothing for a moment. "I heard you left town."
There was no real tone in his voice. Nothing to indicate feeling. Did Molly tell him I left? Does he know why?
"I did," I confirmed. "For two weeks."
"What for? I thought you were still recovering."
Sighing, I thought about what to say without giving away too much. "I was. I panicked about something and needed to get away for awhile."
For the first time, a little life shone in his eyes. "Panicked about what?"
I waved my arm dismissively. "We don't need to talk about that right now. Look—"
"You look," he started, twisting his body on the couch so he could face me. "I'm sorry about being a dick. Again."
I raised my eyebrows.
"I mean it. The whole Matt thing was out of line. I was just... projecting, I think. I didn't mean for it to get so out of hand, but I was frustrated about Mason. I didn't want to be wrong about him."
I sighed. And I didn't want to be right. "What happened?"
"He still maintained that it was just the one time, but I don't think I could ever trust him the same way again."
"I'm sorry." I held his hand. "For all of it. I never want it to be that way for us again. Too much has happened this year already."
He smiled. "You know I love you, right?"
I nodded, a wave of relief hitting me. I leaned forward to wrap my arms around him. "I've missed you."