Lucky Me

Realisations

We both walked out of the clinic in stunned silence. My heart was full, my eyes were full of tears and my bladder was full of erm... "God I need to pee" I sniffed as the cold air outside stung my face. Chris let out a light giggle beside me, causing me to look at him. His eyes still as glassy as mine. "you need to go back inside and use the bathroom?" he grinned down at me. "nah, I think I can hold it in for the ride back" I grinned. He nodded at me silently, squeezing my hand- which I forgot he was still holding, since being in the sonogram room.

We walked across the parking lot to my car and I unlocked it, slipping into the driver's side. "I was thinking, maybe you wanna grab some food?" he asked as I started the engine. "I noticed you didn't have much to eat this morning for breakfast" he added, looking back at me. "I-I mean if you'd like to? B-but if you want me to go..." He trailed off, looking down from my eyes to his lap, fiddling with the white envelope he held between his fingers. I waited a few brief seconds to answer, as I watched him, staring at the paper, flipping it over and over in his hands. "man, I can't believe" he this his hand up in the air before landing it back onto his jean clad thigh. A smile on his face, shaking his head. "I'm gonna be a dad Luce" he burst out into the tears he had been holding back inside. "I just- I've fucked up so many times, how can I get this lucky?" he asked, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. "I don't deserve either of you" he sobbed, unsure whether he was shedding happy tears or tears of sadness.

His red watery eyes moved up to look into mine as I reached out to place my hand on his. "shall we skip going out for breakfast and have something at home instead?" I asked to which he nodded. "okay" I whispered before letting go of him and pulling out of the parking lot.

......

We drove all the way back to my house in a pleasant silence, just listening to the radio as we sailed down the highway. Most of the journey I noticed Chris just staring down at the sonogram photo we were given in the clinic. The sound of the shutter on his phone going off had me glancing towards him. "I just want a copy of it" He blushed. I shrugged, "the nurse put two copies in the envelope" I laughed a little, to which he frowned. "I can have one of those?" he asked innocently. But I rolled my eyes. "Chris, Come on" I sighed a little. "you honestly think I wouldn't let you have one?" I asked him as I pulled up onto my drive way. He blushed even more and shrugged. "I just- I aren't gonna assume anything. I have no right to expect a thing from you" he added. "not after what I did" he sat there in the passenger seat, looking out of the wind shield at my house. "come on, I am gonna pee my pants any second" I huffed, grabbing my purse from the back seat. Chris grinned and nodded, unbuckling his seatbelt and then opening the car door.

..........

"feel better?" his voice greeted me as I walked into the kitchen. I widened my eyes at him and nodded making him laugh at me. "I only just made it in time" I said, "I didn't think you started to pee yourself for a few months yet" I added, making him snort. "My sister was the same with her kids- almost straight away her bladder shrunk" he smiled wryly.

I joined him at the counter, where he was making us a meatball sub each. "Do you spend a lot of time with them?" I asked, watching him work. He nodded, "as much time as I can. I take them to Disneyland when I get time off." he explained. "Christmas too. I love Christmas at Disneyland. Man, to take my kids there some day would just be amazing" He sighed. Yet I turned away  awkwardly as he zoned out in a daydream.

I must have let out a sigh louder than I thought because then his eyes darted over to me as I pulled the orange juice from the fridge. "But uh...if you didn't wanna go, um..."

"It's fine Chris. I mean, I doubt your wife and other kids would want me tagging along anyway" I shrugged. I fastened the juice bottle up and rather aggressively slammed the fridge door in frustration once the juice was back inside. All the while Chris stood there in silence watching me. I couldn't help it though, I felt hurt that I'm clearly not in his future like that. It would be someone else in my place and he was being so blatant about it. Doesn't matter how things were with us now. It still hurt like a bitch.

"My wife?" He questioned, placing the knife down on the counter top and turning towards me. "Sweetheart we got major crossed wires here" he said gently with a smile on his face. I stood there still in front of the fridge and watched him move across the kitchen to me. "Darlin I need to know what's goin on in your head, so I know what to think." He stopped in front of me, leaning down to look into my eyes. Tipping my chin up so I'd look at him before brushing my hair out of my face "I'd spend the rest of my life begging for your forgiveness, even if there's a 1 percent chance that you'd forgive me." He whispered as his thumb brushed over my cheek. My eyes fluttered closed briefly and I felt his breath fan across my skin again as he took another breath "I'm in no position to be asking anything of you" he continued softly, resting his forehead against mine. "but sweetheart I can't live without knowing if I'm ever going to taste your lips again..."

My head rested back against the fridge and my eyes looked up to his, being inches from me, but his gaze was on my lips. You could hear a pin drop in my kitchen right now, well if it weren't for my pounding heart and heavy breathing... "Chris-" I whispered, but he shook his head as he hung it low "I don't want you to say it" his jaw tensed and nostrils flared as he tried to hold back his emotions.

"Chris..." I repeated, still as softly as I raised my hand to cup his jaw. His dark lashes blinked and those beautiful blue peepers looked up at me. "Let's just take baby steps okay?" I said, nodding encouragingly. He breathed put another sigh but nodded reluctantly. "Your baby's hungry" I teased him which made him smile.

"Then let's get some food" he smiled a little. I nodded as he lowered his head to place a kiss to my forehead. I knew he was hurting, and I was too. Of course I was. But we needed to work a lot of things out and I really didn't want to mess with his head anymore than I already had today. This morning in bed weighing heavily on my conscience. I wants him. That was obvious. Well to me at least, but I needed to know he was truly sorry and meant everything he said before I could even think about anything else happening with him. But I wasn't sure what he could do in order to convince me. My head hurt at the thoughts flying around in there. I was exhausted.

In my next life I'm coming back as a turtle.