Possibilities

・♡『Part Forty 』♡・

"What he did wasn't fair," Renna continued. "So, it's not fair for you to blame yourself, Jensen."

He sighed out a long deep breath. "You're right, I guess. I just can't believe I spent four years with him before I really knew him."

"I think that's better than knowing him for almost four months and thinking I know everything about him."

His tone changed. "It's not your fault either, Renna."

"I hate how much I trusted him."

"Nothing wrong with trusting someone. You have a good, kind heart. It's his problem his heart is cruel."

Renna let the silence stretch on. Picked at the rubber buttons on the tv remote with her fingernails. "I think I give up on dating."

"What? Why?"

With a sigh, she said, "I thought my relationships weren't working out because I never told the guy that I was asexual until we were in too deep. So, with Levi I told him right at the beginning, but that turned out so much worse."

She listened to the rustling sound of movement before his voice came through clearer. "I don't think that means you should give up on dating."

"I don't know what else to do." She paused as a sharp pang struck her heart. A thin layer of tears glossed over her vision. "I'm never going to be good enough to love with sex."

"Renna, don't say that." His deep voice came through stern and solemn. "That's not true. You're completely loveable, and fun to be around." A warmth surrounded her heart. "The next guy to receive your heart will be extremely lucky."

She smiled. A crack of light appeared in her darkened mind. "Thanks." The next guy will be different. That's what she told herself after each breakup. And each time she believed it. This time she didn't. "Except none of that matters if I can't be intimate with him."

"Of course it matters. Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship. It's just a bonus." She wished that to be true, but unless she found an asexual guy to date, she doubted it would be. "You have better things to offer. You have a beautiful soul, and you're courageous, and kind, and caring, and..." He paused, then almost too quiet for Renna to hear, he said, "Oh, shit....Damn, she was right."

"What?"

"Er. Nothing. Nothing," he said, clearer into the phone. "It's fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Um. Er...You—you shouldn't give up. On love."

She gave a small chuckle, and wondered where his sudden awkwardness came from. "I don't have the energy to try again."

"I don't mean tonight." The lightness overtook the awkward tone.

"I know but..." She took a moment to breathe deep. "You know, I used to think I was broken before I knew I was asexual. It's one of the heaviest things to carry." She flopped back onto her bed, staring at the ceiling. "I haven't felt like this in a long time. I never thought I would again."

"You're not broken, Renna. Please don't let Levi do this to you."

"Let's change the subject to something less depressing." Think quick. A random topic. "Err...What's your favourite flower?"

"No. We're not changing the subject until I know you're not going to destroy yourself with this."

"I won't."

"Can you promise me you will give dating at least one more shot?"

She closed her eyes. "It won't work out."

"You need to try it to know if that's true. You deserve to be happy."

"I think I'll be happier on my own."

"I mean...if that's going to make you happy."

"What about you?" she asked, rolling on to her stomach. "What would make you truly happy?"

A beeping sound echoed through the phone. A microwave maybe.

"I don't know. Who wouldn't be happy living here?"

She didn't know where he was living or what it looked like, but based on his sarcastic tone, she knew it must be pretty bad.

"Where are you staying?"

"A beautiful one-star motel. As clean as a pig pen, with beds as soft as a brick."

"I'm sorry."

"I told you already. No need to apologise. It's only temporary. I'll survive this place until I figure out where to go next."

Renna wanted to mention Kelan's place, but thought Kelan should be the one to offer it to him. She didn't want to say something if Kelan didn't want him there or if the room had already been taken.

"So, seriously," she said. "What would make you truly happy in life?"

"Uh, I'm happy when other people are happy. If I can make someone smile, it makes me smile."

"That's sweet. But I meant more like, if you could have one thing in life that would make you so happy, what would it be?"

"I guess...probably...to mean something to someone."

A twinge of pain poked her heart. "You mean something to me." Her heart ached at the idea that he could consider himself worthless or useless. He wasn't. She appreciated everything he did for her. "You helped me and it meant a lot to me."

"I know," he said. "But I mean something deeper than that. I want..." She waited. "Nevermind."

"No, I want to hear it. You can tell me."

He paused. "Alright."

♡