Possibilities

＊【BONUS #1】＊

My way of trying to break through the writers block I was stuck in at one point.

Written: 26 Feb 23.

Time: after Ch 69 and before Ch 70. (The day before she runs into Jensen at the cafe and meets his family.)

A diary entry in the P.O.V. of Renna.

Dear diary,

I don't know what I'm meant to do. Levi won't leave me alone. He keeps sending me messages that are really scaring me. And I don't know how to make him stop.

Since seeing him at the clubs, the nightmares are getting worse. They were starting to get better. Now they're back to almost every night. Sometimes twice a night. Sometimes three times.

I'm scared all the time. Even in my own apartment. I'm afraid he'll be behind my door when I open it, or he'll find me at work, or somewhere in public when I'm alone and I'm afraid of what he might do.

I tried staying home and avoiding people but that didn't work too well. I miss my friends and fell into a dark place while I was alone, and I have to leave at some point. For work or to buy groceries or to live my life. I can't keep myself trapped forever, but I don't know how else to deal with this. I wish I could ask my friends but I don't know how to bring it up to them.

And now I don't want to worry them. This is all my fault. They shouldn't need to be forced into it to solve it for me. I've considered telling Jensen but I can't bring myself to say the words. He doesn't need another reason to see me as a burden. He's seen plenty.

Levi keeps telling me he'll leave because I'm not enough. I've tried not to believe it but it's hard to deny when I've seen it happen multiple times.

I knew being asexual and finding someone to love me would have its challenges, but I never knew it would be practically impossible. I've started to wonder when Jensen will leave and if it would be worth it to offer him more of me to keep him around.

All my ex-boyfriends left me because I didn't offer them anything, and Levi left because I didn't give him enough. I don't think Jensen would be like Levi, but he might be like the rest of them. If I give nothing, he might look for something better somewhere else. It's just something that's been on my mind a lot.

I'll think about it and decide whether I should give Jensen more. For now, I'm going to try push Levi out of my head and live my life like normal.

Tomorrow I have a day off and I think I'll go somewhere so I can treat myself, get out of my apartment, and so I can forget about it all for a while. I might go shopping or sit in my favourite cafe for a while.

I hope tomorrow will be better than today and I hope I don't get anymore messages from Levi's fake accounts. That's another problem.

Today, he made a new account and sent more messages. I've thought about blocking the newest account like I did to all the other ones, but is there a point? He'll just make another one again to keep sending me messages. And is it encouraging him to keep messing with me when I block him? Because he knows he's getting to me and I've seen his messages and he thinks it's funny that I think blocking him will stop him.

If I leave it and he doesn't have to go make another account, and I don't reply, then he might not get anything out of it, and maybe he might stop. Or is that wishful thinking? I wish I knew what to do, or I had someone to give me advice, but I don't. I'll have to figure this one out on my own and I hope it all goes good.

Until next time diary,
Renna. ♡