What Have I Done and What Am I Going to Do Now? (A teacher/student mishap)

Chapter 20: My Heart is Damaged

Ask and you shall receive!

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Recap chap 19:

Suddenly, a crushing force hit my chest and I found it hard to breathe. At first I thought it was another anxiety attack, but then I realized I was wrong. I was utterly heartbroken and on the verge of tears. So this was what it felt like to have your heart destroyed then handed back to you. I don’t know why I expected anything different. I needed to escape the all too real torment that was standing before me in a red dress and black heels.

Never before had I wished for someone not to exist. But in that moment, there was nothing I wished for more, than for Mrs. Veronica Rivers to never have been born.

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Chapter 20: My Heart is Damaged

I ran away from Mr. and Mrs. Rivers as quickly as possible, trying my best to remain calm and save face, though I felt like I was dying inside. My feet moved of their own accord because I was completely out of my mind with sick and twisted thoughts.

How could I have let this happen? How could I have even entertained the idea that there was a possibility that we could be together? I’m such a damn idiot, believing anything he ever said to me. There was no way he could be with me and looking at his wife, I was certain that I never meant anything more to him than a quick fuck in a dirty bathroom.

His wife was older, more sophisticated and reeked of money. She obviously loved him, by the daggers she was staring at me just before I walked away from them. They had a history, some past that I knew nothing about, how could I compare to that? I was some stupid, naïve student who just happened to end up in the wrong place with the wrong man. All the times he spoke those tender words, it was a lie. He cared about his marriage, if he didn’t then he would have spoken up, said something, anything besides the fact that I was just his student.

What was I expecting really? That he was going to leave her, for me? That he was going to throw away his career and risk severe repercussions to be with me? Is that what I truly wanted? Because it was all very unclear. He stated, over and over again, that it was a mistake. It never should have started, so why hadn’t I believed him until this moment? Why did it hurt so much to be effectively denied, rejected?

I couldn’t take much more of this misery. I knew what I needed and though it wouldn’t be the same, I was going to get it anyway. I trudged into Nash’s room with tear-filled eyes, pulled back his covers and crawled into bed with him, snuggling up against him and holding on for dear life. I stroked his messy dirty blond hair and breathed in his familiar and calming scent. I loved him, though not nearly enough after everything I had put him through. But there was no way I could have pried myself away from him, not in the emotional state I was in.

That is where I stayed for four days, only getting out of bed to use the bathroom. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, all I did was cry and hold tight to the one person in my life who I knew would always be there for me. Alec and Mira were extremely worried, not that I blamed them, but I refused to speak to them. I only wanted Nash. I knew they were under the impression that I had lost my mind, but I didn’t care.

I left the room four days ago, a normal person on a mission seeking coffee and returned a mindless zombie who cried endless tears and turned into a mute. I was sick of being miserable and crying over something that was nothing. I needed to suck it up and stop acting like a spoiled child, but that was a hard concept to grasp when the one person who would have forced me to man up, was in a coma.