Scratched

Forty Nine

FORTY NINE

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Have you ever had deja vu? It washes over you suddenly, and you know somewhere somehow you have been here or done this. It comes to you faintly, flashes. This was how I felt as I found myself staring at my reflection once again, but this wasn't the same. The last time I had been here and done this everything had been so different. I had been faded and worn. So much so I could hardly recall the night except for the parts I wished I couldn't.

I brushed my fingers over my hair, pushing the hair out of my face. My eyes were clear and sharp, and I knew that I was fully grounded. I was just where I should be. No where else. I should have felt relieved or maybe comfortable was a better way to put it. I didn't feel any of that though. I felt anxious and nervous. My stomach turned and turned and I was sure I would spew at anytime. Only I didn't. It felt just like my first show had. I was back to the young inexperienced person I was then.

It was funny, looking back on everything and to find myself here again. I had come full circle. Every detail and event weaved together, making this picture. Never would I have thought I'd end up here. It seemed sometimes to me like these events and moments weren't my own. But how could it feel so right, and not be mine? It was otherworldly, but I had never felt more stable and present then I did now. Shit had happened. Shit I wish wouldn't have, but I wouldn't take it back for anything.

It made me.

It defined me.

A knock sounded at my door, drawing me from my thoughts. I pulled my eyes from my reflection, aiming them instead at the door. The door cracked open, revealing a stagehand. "Their ready for you," he announced before slipping out the door again. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves but it did very little. I'd just have to push through it. I started for the stage. The roar of the crowd was almost deafening. It pulsed into me, spurring things in me I had thought I'd never feel again. This was where I needed to be. And then I stepped out into the light, letting the roar of thousands drown me.

♪         ♫        ♪

I raked a hand through my hair, feeling the sweet thick on my scalp. I took the bottle of water a stagehand offered me, drinking it down. I  closed the cap back down, taking a place against the wall. It gave me the perfect view of the stage. The Muck-Ups were on, and they were giving one of the best shows I had ever seen. They always did, but this was so much more intense. There could be no better end to a tour than this show.

They finished a song. Reed stepped back from the microphone, snatching a glass of scotch off of an amp. He downed it, flashing a smile at the crowd. After a few moments he worked his way back to the microphone. He gripped it in his hands, his lips just inches from it. "I'd like to play something I wrote recently," he told the crowd. "It's not on our newest album, and my managers will be pissed that I shared it but I think it'll be well worth it." I perked up at this. He was going to play a new song? He hadn't said anything about it to me. I leaned forward, curious.

Cords drifted through the stadium. It was soft, almost like a caress and I found myself dragged in by it. I didn't think I had ever heard anything more beautiful. Gentle. When his words finally joined it I found myself even more sucked in. I closed my eyes, letting myself listen to the words. I knew without a doubt what this song was, and what it meant. I sucked in breath. The feeling that washed over me was so intense. I had never felt anything like it. No drug or substance could ever inspire what I felt in that second. It was beyond any words or feelings.

When the song finally ended he bid the audience goodbye, and walked off stage. As he crossed over the threshold his eyes landed on me, brightening. He flashed me the biggest smile, and I felt my stomach drop again. "How did you—" I grabbed him, dragging him off to my dressing room. No sooner than the door had closed behind us I pushed him against the wall, kissing him. He made a noise in the back of his throat, but his surprise only lasted a second before he responded.