Everything I Had

Chapter 19

The hours flew by as me and Adam sat at the picnic table and talked. The coals in the grill were still barely glowing and the smell of smoke still lingered in the air. My parents had gone in to sit down an have a glass of wine before bed a while ago. I could see them talking through the living room window.

"I can't stop eating these fries," I said as I popped another one in my mouth.

"Yeah they're pretty good," he commented as he grabbed one himself.

"Me and Matt went to this little diner a long time ago and they had these really good fries there. I wish I could go back to that place."

"Do you remember the name of it?" He asked.

"It was like Charlie's or something along those lines," I answered as I took the last fry off of the plate.

"We'll have to go sometime," He said and looked up at the sky.

"Yeah and order JUST fries," I added and he laughed a little.

"Just imagine the lady's face when we order like 5 things of fries," He said as he checked the time on his phone.

"I remember about a week after we went to that diner, I texted Matt at like 10 at night saying I really loved those fries. He showed up at my house about an hour later with three orders of fries."

"Wow he really did that?" Adam asked.

"I'm not kidding. It was the sweetest thing ever," I added and ran a couple fingers through my hair.

"He must've been a good boyfriend. I mean, before this mess," He commented. We seem to refer to all this drama as 'The Mess' a lot.

"Yeah he was. But it's in the past now. I don't really want to talk about it," I mumbled and looked down at the ground.

"I understand what you mean," He said with a sympathetic smile.

"I mean, I just feel sort of humiliated by him. Like, was I not good enough for him?" I said with a long sigh.

"You really don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"I know but I feel like he just... Changed so suddenly into this... jerk. I didn't even know who he was anymore. I mean, he's never yelled at me or hurt me before all of this drama he created."

"I know it still stings but you have to let it go. God loves you so much it should overpower the hatred you feel for Matt."

"And myself," I added quickly.

"Why would you hate yourself?"

"I just feel... Dumb. And vulnerable. I know I'm supposed to be strong because of God and stuff but I just don't. I feel even more vulnerable than I did before," I admitted.

"Well I promise that feeling will go away. I know it's really hard right now but you will feel much stronger soon. Things like this take time and it's hard to regain your self-esteem after something like what you've been through."

Still looking at the ground, I folded my arms and rolled my tongue along the inside of my lip.

"I said I didn't want to talk about it," I told him and he laughed a little.

"I know you don't," He told me and crossed his arms just like mine.

We sat there in silence as we looked up at the night sky. The atmosphere was clear and twinkling with stars. I always loved looking at the stars. It feels like I'm lost for a while in the midst of all my problems. They say looking up at the stars is like looking into the past because by the time the light reaches your eyes, the stars have done something else. And for some reason, it made me feel like I was on some sort of high. A high I couldn't explain that no drug could give me. I remember that feeling so vividly.