Wanderer Of The Moonlit Night

I gave up? what about you?

// May be related to my suicidal rants in some old parts, check those before coming here. no judgement pls, it's kinda deep, mature self harm/death related stuff. warning //

The ending of Cyno's story about his friend and his kid, was all they needed to make ppl realise that sometimes u gotta let go of toxic positivity about someone suicidal's future and stop showing a fake hope to someone who had lost his everything. There's a difference between a withering plant which can bloom again and a plant with completely no will left to bloom again.

Ppl call it filmy but only the character knows what they're going thru, the moment they finally decide they should no more stay here.

Sometimes it's stupid, but sometimes it becomes even more pointless to stay in a world for the sake of urself or ppl when your real happiness is not here, when all you get is pain.. not everyone's life is same, the reason why ppl with just "sadness" consider others "depression" as a small thing... ppl shouldn't disrespect other's death like what the shitty asses teach everyone to make it hard and cage someone in this world force them lectures about living.. a life without freedom to be with whom u want, without the things u need ever gonna fulfill, it isn't worth living thru.. never was never will be.. ppl are hardcore slave of injustices to the extent their glory dies away and only acceptance remained in world, no fighting to live or die for what they deserve. Lol. World is like 99.9999% full of slaves or owners, some r slave of a convention superstition.. and some r "gods" who use racism discrimination to divide and rule ppl. Rest few left are ppl who understand freedom. If you're a yeagerist, b proud of contributing a bit of sanity to this nonsensical robotic minded world xD

It takes a lot of struggle and courage, sacrifices to give birth to someone, including doctor's effort and skills and the mother's pain. This someone grows up, they face lots of ups and downs, their parents work to provide him shelter and food, medicines for bad health, study in school and who said school life is really easy nah, there's lots of stress too. And not everyone really gets a good friend to support like they all consider. Sometimes this someone has to go thru constant bullying and ragging by ppl even by teachers or they don't care about punishing the bad studs. And who said that ppl don't judge u by your looks and scores? They insult you, they make his life miserable to the point he gets scared of even going to school but he still had to. Not everyone has a real good health, certain chronic diseases make someone do feel unlucky it's not easy to be an odd one out who can't walk much, while others make fun of it.  People get sadness in life it's ok, they move on from it but they consider sadness and depression both as the same thing. Oh and not everyone has a good story with crushes. Sometimes you get trolled, abused and hated for making efforts to help your crush in her bad days. Sometimes people who were reliable use you just for their benefits, some people go so far as to fake things and play with your feelings, like cheating on you after making u fall in love with her. Ppl talk about being a friend, care, but no one understands this person. He's taken granted for whenever he shows lots of affection and genuine care to anyone. People distance and ignored him when he needed some love. Sometimes the so called friends misunderstood u, to the exent of making hate accounts, harassing you to take revenge for nothing but just in jealousy. Doing drama with your love. And then such precious good souls enter who are pure as fuck and love you a lot just to suddenly change and turn selfish and start making you feel like you'll never get a bit of peace in life. They traumatize your mental health, trigger you, unable to understand anything force you to believe their love is true but always play blame games. It takes a lot of effort to just breath in the time when you're finally being friends with someone, while you're yourself dying you try your best to save this person and this person just commits suicide even when they knew what would happen to you without them. The person whom you truly loved and been in relationship with, says she's confused about whether she wanna marry you or someone else. You see her getting close to a person who hurted you, your efforts and vain to maintain that relationship earlier all for nothing but pain and pain. Nah, we didn't choose it. No one knows what is in future afterall, not even clever people can say how unexpectedly things change. You're all alone, having a sibling is troublesome to many but being all alone with all the burdens and responsibilities isn't easy especially if you've a dad who's going to retire soon. Pressure of study and exams in an overpopulated country gets you frustrated as you constantly hear comparisons from everyone, you're told to be useless and weak if you cry, if you try you keep failing and they keep abusing you mentally, sometimes even some parents don't understand how to treat their kids, it's not easy to lose your freedom and happiness and everything and yet stay strong for suffering more and more. Sometimes not everyone has a good place to live in, ofc atmosphere determines a lot of things too. It's not easy to study and pass exams for years and finally enter a college while living in a place just beside a market where they're screaming all day all night unless it's 11pm and things go calm. You turn insomniac, your past traumas haunt you no truamas and past are different things. It's not easy. People don't understand mental health and your own family make fun of your dark circles. They call you pathetic and weak for crying every night. Their superstitious religious views don't let you be as you're, you're called arrogant for standing up for yourself and you're called Unsocial by others all around your college life, just because you're an introvert who doesn't likes friendship for mere timepass and benefits.... Sometimes even faith in god gets its way lost, just like a person at the court waiting days for a judgement just for the day to arrive but by then he died starving. What a justice we have in our world. He tried his best to always live for changing the world, making little steps, awareness creation since childhood.. be it for the plants or the animals he loved which the world slaughtered for selfish tastebuds, or be it the suicides and crimes ppl ignored, or be it about the mindset issues among people leading to hurting each other.. he believed in freedom, he was also improving his mindset so that he can help as many as he could and removed all toxic people from his life, even tho ppl came to harass him mentally emotionally, many discouraged and criticized for no reason some supported but some did huge dramas in his life. It's obviously not easy for him to survive everything and be happy at that stage, which is easy for those who hadn't been thru same shits. When his friends were bullied he stood for them, but when he was harassed, these friends took sides talked about "POVs" of the victim and victimizers, when he befriended with lonely and innocent ppl they changed and when they found more friends they abandoned him, not thinking twice about what he felt.. his parents insulted him for choosing the subjevt he wanted, and not their parents choice of engineering and science, his brain activity started reducing with time due to numerous mental disorders and effects of medicine, when he failed at a suicide (it wasn't a suicide but just an attempt at connecting consciousness with the ley lines, as he used to see haunting nightmares coming true premonition of world forsaw his entire life, this world long before it happened, it's hard to explain so only to a few trusted ppl he explained everything) even doctors, psychologists and counsellors talked harsh to him, ignored his mental health state, blamed his pain to be his own thinking, what to do know if even the ones supposed to help you just make you feel worse. Saw his granparents and elders die long back when he was kid, didn't had any relatives to support him, a few cousins were just fake as fuck and neighbours isolated. When the domestic violence at his home since childhood got him real crazy and wanted to take help from police the people just said these are family matters. Who said it's easy to survive at the point when no one fucking cares about how you feel by them and yet they claim they're amazing n mature people?! Just preaching things and advicing at a time someone needed love isn't cool!! When he was suicidal they could just stay silent hopeless or else blame him something like he's hurting others. Someone even emotionally blackmailed him that they'd kill themselves if i die. But they didn't see, he needed love.. when the doctors failed to treat his physical aches... What should he suffer everything for all the day...

People gave up on humanity, ppl gave up on being there for loved ones, someone gave up on handling relations someone gave up on cheering him up, someone gave up on staying, someone gave up on making efforts, someone gave up on understanding him, someone gave up on the duty of protecting his innocent smile and someone gave up on the promises of loving and caring..someone gave up on treating right, someone gave up on being kind..... but to them all he's bad or coward for giving up on staying in a chaotic unfair world of these kinda people. Lol.

It would be weird for anyone to think I'm giving up. Nah in not giving up. Just freeing myself up. Coz I've tried every other option and waited long enough, survived enough. Tried, struggled fough enough, died enough, loved enough, self loved enough, did lots of things, suffered enough.

Enough. Long back.

This is intended for some ppl..
I'd expect u to open your blind eyes and read this before u traumatize me after making me dream of care or love or whatever and then either suddenly abandoning me or suddenly treating my sentimemts like a joke. Can dump off anytime if he's depressed. Don't give me fake hopes and fake promises when i was dying when u wanted to just destroy me even worse than anyone........ It's weird how u ppl knew u won't find someone like me, yet chose to play with his needs and feelings, and trying to ruin his peace? Lol... The amount of drama I've been thru since years is horrific tbh...

Haha.... Humans are pathetic stupid creatures, wish i was just a powerful alien about to click on a trigger and blow up their fickle world of lies, injustices, crime, pain and inequalities..... At once.... Nothing cool by this world to give someone shitty a lot of respect and happiness and everything they want and let another person die for even small bits of love and care... what do u think i should give back this world for everything it gave me ? The dust on my feet....!! It's better than what amount of pain I've gotten here constantly.... Far better...