WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ↠ Mazikeen [2]

06 | IN COMPLETE CONTROL

                     THE ENTIRE PRECINCT HAD FALLEN VICTIM to Izzy's thorough cleaning – from Ella's equipment to the mess on Kai's desk, from Dan's files to the break room where she was now rearranging the dishes by color. Her friends were watching her from afar, none of them having the courage or confidence to go up to her and question what was going on, but it was obvious to everyone that she was struggling. Sometimes her OCD shined through, but mostly, she had learned to manage it and treat it with medication – then days like these came by, and she lost her footing and got stuck organizing everything and anything.

                     She couldn't help it. It was a vicious cycle of sickening anxiety that only went away when she followed the impulse, only for another one to pop up – it was like playing Whack-A-Mole, and she was losing. The worst part was knowing that she was acting irrationally and still being unable to stop herself. She knew it was her disorder acting up, she knew she didn't need to do any of this but her brain worked against her, forcing her to until she felt better even for a minute.

                    She was in the midst of viciously scrubbing Dan's #1 Dad mug from old coffee stains when the man himself walked in, careful not to get up in Izzy's personal space, but she noticed him in the corner of her eye, anyway. He stood in silence for a second, undoubtedly wondering what was the right thing to say, and Izzy decided to put him out of his misery.

                 "I know, okay?" she breathed out, "I know I'm acting irrationally. I'll be done here soon." She clenched her jaw while finishing up the mug, worried that people were judging her for what she was like near rock bottom – she was always quite put-together on the outside, even when inside there was a storm brewing, but right now, she was starting to lose her grip.

                   And the thing was, she had promised herself that that wouldn't happen. Yet, to her brain, this was being in control. 

                    "You do what you need to do, Izzy", Dan reassured and took a step closer to her, sucking in a breath. "If you want some, I have-", he offered, but Izzy slammed the rag doused in dishwater against the counter before he could finish.

                      "Do not offer me your essential oils right now, Dan", she snapped, gripping the counter with her hands until her knuckles turned pale, and forced an exhale out. "I appreciate you, but it's not a fix", she added quietly, feeling immediate regret for her tone. Dan, ever the understanding mentor, though, simply nodded and reached out to give her shoulder a squeeze.

                          "We're here for you, Izzy", he promised. Izzy swirled her tongue in her mouth, trying to fight back the urge to just break down, and with a forced smile, she gave him a nod to promise she understood. Then she shoved the mug into his chest, officially done with scrubbing the kitchen from floor to ceiling, and headed back to Ella's lab where she had been spending the day.