There Must Be Something More

120 | I'm Not Okay

I stared down the stack of papers squeezed inside a glossy blue folder Meredith had picked out. She had picked me especially to do the one last lecture for the whole school.

I looked at the title--FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS.

I skimmed from page to page and marveled at the wisdom that was written down in these simple pages. 

I should've been excited. I should've been ecstatic, even. This was something I should be happy about. In fact, I was. But there was something else. Something else inside me.

I felt unworthy.

The past few days I've been failing the Lord. I was not doing my devotions regularly anymore, and I haven't been praying much. I haven't even been sharing the Gospel to anyone anymore.

And then Meredith picks me to do the last lecture.

"I saw the way you handled the other lectures we had," she had told me. "You can do this. And I feel like you should be the one talking about this. You were agnostic."

"Emphasis on the 'were'," I defended, looking away from her. We were alone in the Grace Club room during this time. This happened just several hours ago today.

"Come on, you're the perfect person to. After all, you know what it's like to have so many questions for the Lord. In fact, just a few months ago, you didn't know Him. All you had were questions. And these are the answers. I want it to be personal, Charlie. It has to be personal. You must be the one to deliver the lecture."

I looked at her, obviously thinking she must be mistaking it. She didn't know my condition for the past few weeks. I was not okay with the Lord. I have been living sort of a double life, even. I was spiritual and godly when I was in church, but during outside I acted worldly. I wanted to stop doing it. To really live out God's Word like Meredith. But every time I tried, it almost always led me to fail some more.

"Meredith, I'm not okay. Not these past few weeks. I'm really struggling in my walk with God." I admitted, still not looking her in the eye.

She just stared at me. And then she said. "Then you're not a Christian anymore?"

"What?" I said almost immediately. "Of course I am."

"Exactly," she said. "You don't stop being God's child when you sin. You stop being His when you give up."

It was my turn to just stare at her.

"Doing this lecture is your step to keep moving forward," she continued. "I believe it in my heart that the Lord chose you for such a time as this. There's a reason why you have been doing most of the lectures, Charlie. Many are called, but few are chosen. And you're one of them."

Of course, I still thought Meredith was crazy. She probably just said it to make me feel better.

"These are just... notes," Meredith had said, flipping through the pages. "Actually, for our last lecture, we're not doing a formal lecture. We're doing a Q and A."

"But that's just gonna make me more nervous." I cried. "I don't know what kind of questions our schoolmates might ask. What if they ask a really hard one? Can I bring these papers for reference?"

"Of course not!" Meredith said, laughing. "Study that. So you'll know the gist of what unbelievers are asking God or what their skepticism beholds or something."

"I think I've done enough studying from school." I pursed my lips.

Meredith laughed.

And then she added, "You can add some more info on that if you have any more."

I sighed and set down the folder on my bedside table. I came home right after our little talk. The last lecture was coming up in just a few days. I had limited time to study.

Besides, I felt left out. I felt lonely. Usually, at a time like this, Samuel would be there, sharing my grief and struggle with me, and then we'd feel better that we weren't alone in this.

But just three weeks ago we noticed he barely came to the Grace Club room anymore, nor had I seen him in church. He was always just in his school president desk typing away something. He hadn't responded to my texts or calls too. I knew he wasn't okay again. He was falling away again.

I scoffed, thinking to myself. Not only did we need two more converts for our last lecture, but we just lost one too.

Some luck.

I turned to my side as I lay down my bed and watched the night sky outside my bay window. What could God be doing tonight? Probably laughing at how small my problems are and here I am worrying my head off. If only I could be carefree like Him.

If you trusted more, you'd be more carefree, a still, small voice seemed to whisper into my heart.

I closed my eyes, feeling tears coming on. I breathed a silent prayer. Lord, use my life for Your good. I am so not perfect, Lord. And I fail you in many things, many ways. Lord, use whatever is left in me. Whatever potential you put in me. Remove me of my will and put me in Yours. In Jesus' name, amen.

I couldn't remember anything after that as I drifted off to dreamland.

*******

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while." I said as soon as I spotted Samuel by his locker, rummaging through it.

"Good morning to you too." He said dryly. He held a loose-leaf notebook in front of me. "I found my English 10 notes."

"Listen." I grabbed his arm. "Come eat lunch with us. We have so much to discuss about--"

He pulled his arm away. "I'm not about that right now, Charlie, all right?"

"So what are you about right now, then?"

"I'm about... my future. My permanent record. My dream of going to one of the best universities in California. My dream." He explained all that without blinking.

"But isn't God in your future?" I asked.

"Whether I acknowledge Him or not, God is still God. He's still in control of absolutely everything. I'm just a mere human. He's still more sovereign. So whatever I do, God's still going to do in my life what He wants to do. And I'm just letting Him. That's His job. Mine is this. Focusing on improving myself, becoming the best version of myself."

"And becoming the best version is ditching church? Avoiding your friends?"

"I'm not ditching church. There really are just busy Sundays. I've got a lot on my plate already."

"That makes it all the more important to go to church."

"And I'm not avoiding all of you," he continued. "I'm just busy, like I said. But when I'm not busy anymore, maybe I'll tag along in one of your little activities."

"Little activities? Samuel, we're trying to change people's lives through sharing the Gospel any way we can. You know this isn't some child's play. It's life and death."

"Well, I choose life," he said quickly. "My life. Good talk, Charlie." He patted me on the shoulder.

And with that, he disappeared into another hallway. And I knew what to add to my last lecture notes.