There Must Be Something More

83 | I Lost My Peace

This feels like the start of school again, I thought, glancing from left to right as people walked by unaware. It was a chaotic Friday, and everyone talked about their weekend plans. Most of them involved house parties. I even spotted Amanda with two new people, and they were talking about some kind of party with a bunch of seniors. I didn't see Calum.

I paused. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Calum and Amanda hang out so much anymore, I thought. I frowned. Did they split up? I thought that was kind of sad. If only they had responded to the Gospel when I tried to tell them about it. But then again, I didn't actually evangelize them. I closed my eyes. I breathed a prayer that God would somehow bring us back together as new friends that serve Jesus Christ. I imagined it--Calum and Amanda and I singing praises to God, and us interceding together. That would be the dream.

Anyway, I had my back pressed against the cold stucco wall behind the end of the lockers, my heart pounding, my head slightly spinning. I was getting a little frustrated. My friends were scattering all over the place. First, it was Amanda and Calum. And now Meredith and Samuel. I shivered a little. What was going on? If only I knew what God was doing. If only I could understand what He was trying to tell me.

This time, like a few weeks ago, I was hiding like this from Amanda and Calum, afraid to go back to my worldly ways. Now a few weeks later, I'm hiding in the same spot from Meredith and Samuel, afraid to feel the tension between friends.

I already missed Grace Club.

If only I could do something to reunite us back together. I had prayed about it. I was still doubting whether it was the Holy Spirit who had told me there was evidence of God, or if it was just a mere figment of my imagination.

I felt silly hanging out behind lockers. Besides, people were starting to stare. I sighed and hurried to my locker, hoping Meredith wouldn't happen to show up. Or Samuel. Or Trey. Or anybody.

When I opened my locker I saw the very first sticky note I received from Meredith:

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ~2 Corinthians 12:9

I smiled. I remembered the peaceful feeling the verse had given me. It was as if I already knew God existed, but was just suppressing it because I loved my sins too much. But when God's Word was actually presented to me, I was drawn to it--I knew I needed God. I knew I wanted Him.

The second sticky note I received from her was from Matthew 14:27:

But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid."

I felt sad. I wished things went back to the way they were. But as every day passed, it was as if things got harder for me in my walk with Christ. I was already losing track.

I should really tell Steven about this, I thought. Man, I also wanted to talk to Grandpa Chuck. But I doubted it wouldn't be awkward if I visited Meredith's house. And I doubted Grandpa Chuck wasn't mad at me--I actually supported Samuel about not defending the Christian faith. I bet he's mad at me too.

And what about Steven? He'd be mad at me too! I just actually denied there was evidence for Jesus. Me--a Christian. What was he going to say about his own disciple not defending the very God we serve? He'd be humiliated! People would question his leadership! And then I would be shaming him.

Now I didn't feel so good. What about Jesus Himself? I was still doubting if it was the Holy Spirit who actually spoke to me about defending Him through 1 Timothy 6:12 last night or was just some delusional dream. But there was something inside me that was making me guilty for not choosing Meredith's case. Jesus, who changed me from the inside out for the better, and I actually gave up just because I might lose some worldly scholarship I wouldn't be able to bring to the afterlife.

I closed my eyes. What am I to do?

I felt so unworthy, so sinful. I wondered if God's grace had limits. I knew they always said there wasn't, but I must have stepped over the line. I knew I had done too much this time. Surely God wouldn't forgive me anymore. And I didn't feel so good about it. I incredibly felt the need to self-debase.

Unlike the very first sticky note I received from Meredith, I lost my peace.

Without enthusiasm, I hurried to my first period, my heart on my sleeve.

----------

I didn't look at Trey when I made my way in our Baseball lockers. Everyone opened their lockers to grab shirts and shoes and pants. The air smelled of cologne and tacos. I remembered it was also Taco Friday in the cafeteria. I grabbed my baseball shirt and started to change too. After so, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, man, just because you're not in Grace Club anymore, doesn't mean we're not still spiritual brothers," Trey said with a smile.

I smiled dryly. "Thanks, man. I thought you guys hated me."

"We will never hate you. God wouldn't like that," he said with a confident smile. "But... you don't hate us too, right?"

I shook my head. "God wouldn't like that."

"Have you seen Samuel today?" He asked me. "I would like for him to know there wasn't any hard feelings. I mean, just because he's not willing to defend the Christian faith, doesn't mean he's not a Christian anymore. Jesus will be the one who'll work out his faith. The only thing he needs to do is to surrender his pride and let the Lord change him from the inside out."

"So you think Samuel and I, just because we didn't agree with Meredith, have something we need to work out within ourselves?"

"We all do, dude."

"I wasn't talking in general," I snapped. "You're pointing out we're the wrong ones and you're the right ones."

"Yes," he said. "Look, Charlie, I can't even believe you don't believe there's concrete evidence for Jesus. I mean, I haven't seen one yet, but I guess that's what faith is for. Remember Hebrews 11:1? Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I clenched my teeth. There was a stirring feeling inside me I couldn't explain. So I slammed my locker shut and turned my back on him.

"Yeah, I couldn't believe it either," I admitted. I jogged to the diamond.