There Must Be Something More

109 | I Don't Wanna Lose Everything

I practically slumped to school. As soon as I stepped outside my pickup my legs felt like jelly. I felt the need to carry a walking stick or some crutches or something.

Okay, I'm exaggerating. But that doesn't change the fact that I was equally as nervous today as I was in my dream.

And since I felt nervous as I did in my dream--does this mean it's going to happen for real?

I shuddered. I didn't want to think of it.

Come to think of it, I didn't get to do my devotional today. I was too antsy to do it. Too bothered to write and meditate on God's Word. Besides, I didn't think reading it was going to solve anything. Looking back on all my high school years, which was ninth grade and now--tenth grade--I had a pretty good life. My only problem was how to impress Krista in our every date, since she was basically such a big deal to this town. My only problem was my parents ignoring me most of the time--and they still did that now. And the only dilemma I had in school was Precalculus, since I hated Math. But I had mostly As and Bs in all my classes.

My life was good back then! What happened?

God happened, I thought, frowning. I reluctantly walked to my locker and tossed in the things from my bag.

I knew I already had a run-through from the Lord about all this. It's going to be worth it in the end, blah, blah, blah...

But is that all that's gonna be good in serving the Lord--'in the end'? Seems pointless. And when is 'the end', anyway? It seems like I've obeyed just about every command from the Lord and I'm still not getting to the end.

Then I sighed. What am I thinking? This mindset again. You're becoming doubtful again, Charlie Borlock.

"Good morning!" Trey exclaimed. He and Samuel walked towards my locker with big grins on their faces.

I sighed. At least it wasn't Coach Anderson who met me first thing in the morning. If it had been, I would've panicked.

"I can't necessarily say it's a good morning," I said, slamming my locker shut.

"Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?" Samuel chuckled, giving Trey a look. Trey stifled a laugh.

I slung my backpack over my shoulder. "You could say that."

"Whoa, what happened?" Trey grabbed my arm.

I clenched my jaw. "I'll probably tell you later. I don't wanna talk about it for now."

------------------------------------------------

"Baseball tryouts," I mumbled under my breath, staring at the flyer just outside the boys' bathroom. I clenched my jaw. I wanted to look away, to leave the past behind, but I just couldn't.

I lost so much since I started following the Lord. I lost the things and people I really loved before--Baseball, Krista, Amanda and Calum, my baseball teammates.

What happened? I thought regretfully, running a hand through my hair and touched my forehead on the wall just below the flyer.

The dream was probably warning me of something. Warning me of impending danger. Probably warning me if I continue on with this Christianity thing, I'm going to lose everything I have.

"I don't want that!" I cried aloud. Good thing nobody was in the halls that time. They probably'll think I'm losing my mind.

"Charlie?"

I jumped out of my skin. I spun around. Alex.

"Alex, don't sneak up on me like that!" I said.

She looked at me quizzically. "I wasn't. I didn't even shout."

I straightened my shirt. "Really."

"Seems like you were deep in thought," she looked me straight in the eyes.

I walked past her. "None of your business."

"Baseball tryouts," she said. I knew she was reading from the flyer.

I clenched my jaw and turned around. "Yes. Yes, I was looking at that."

"Oh, right. You're the baseball star." She said, smiling. Then her smile faded. "But I heard the coach kicked you out, right?"

"Yeah," I said dryly.

"I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything. What could I say?

"Hey, at least, we can prepare for our next lecture! This is going to be so exciting! It's my first time doing this!" She said gleefully, almost bursting in joy.

"Good for you," I said.

"What? You're in it too."

"I'm not." I said. "I quit."

Alex arched her eyebrows. "What?"

"Yeah," I said. "Tell Meredith and the others they're not going to see me in the next lecture. And, hey, you can probably take my place and be the main speaker."

I turned around and sprinted away before she could say anything to change my mind. I didn't want to change my mind.

I can't lose everything in my life. I just can't. This was what the dream warned me about. And if I don't quit this Christianity thing, who knows what more important thing I'll lose in the future?

--------------------------------------------------------------

When I got to our house, I hurried upstairs. Mom came out from the kitchen and said, "Charlie, honey, what would you like for din--"

I slammed my bedroom door shut. Weeping, I threw my backpack to the floor and jumped to my bed. I let the tears flow. I kept myself from sobbing, but I couldn't help it. I remembered sobbing like this when I found out Michael died.

Michael. I missed Michael. What could I ever do without Michael? Why did You have to take him away from me, God? Are You that selfish? You already took away everything from me!

"I don't wanna lose everything..." I said, still sobbing.

I pushed my hair from my eyes and sat up my bed. I know this is wrong, what I'm feeling. But I can't help what I feel. It's as if that nightmare from last night reminded me of the loss I had. Of how much loss of important things I experienced.

I stood and changed into fresh clothes. I hurried downstairs and out on our front porch.

"Charlie, where are you going?" I heard mom call from the kitchen inside.

"For a walk," I said. I ran to the street. I was still crying, but I wore my father's reading glasses so people wouldn't notice. This was a small town. And word gets around.

The streets weren't busy. I trotted in the sidewalk hoping to bump into someone. But who?

Who would be around when I felt so down? Who would be there to give me encouraging godly advice? Who would be there to remind me of who I am--

HONK! HONK!

I turned around to see a ten-wheeler truck speeding towards me. The headlights blinded my eyes. I closed them tight and clenched my fists, preparing for death.

"CHARLIE!" I heard a familiar cry behind me.

My feet were frozen in place. I turned around to see who it was, but I couldn't quite make out the silhouette. It was actually really hard seeing through a reading glasses when you have 20/20 vision.

The honk sounded closer now. I wanted to at least see the face of a person who cared enough to scream my name on the street while a truck was about to crush me into a pulp.

Maybe wearing my dad's reading glasses was a bad idea.