There Must Be Something More

9 | Happiest Place

Guilty about what?

I kept asking myself that even as I drove myself home. I kept seeing flashbacks of her disappointed stare. Her enthusiastic voice. Her ever-welcoming smile. It was somewhere between familiar and not. It was as if it was a smile I didn't know I was looking for all my life.

You're being crazy, I thought to myself.

As I turned the curb onto my street, I heard indistinct lively music, as if there was some sort of concert nearby.

I didn't know there were some sort of concert hall near here, I thought. I could guess the music came from the blind curve to my right. And so I stepped on the gas and turned that way.

To my surprise, it wasn't a concert hall. It was the Christian Life Chapel. I saw colorful lights inside, creating silhouettes of hands raised high, people dancing, while the music blaring.

Is that much music even allowed in a church? I thought. I tried to see through, but the windows were shut. I could only see lights and silhouettes. I heard people shouting.

"Looks like a party in there," I said, "and they say they're praising God."

Although, I admit it sounds fun. And then I quickly blocked the thought out of my mind.

I could have just turned around and drove home. I could have just ignored it and say it was lame. I could have just forgotten Meredith's disappointed look on her face.

But I didn't. And the truth was, it played in my mind like a broken record. I felt like a disturbed phonograph.

I stayed there. By the pavement. Until I saw everyone going out of the church. I saw the smiling faces, the excited chats, the friendships...

And Meredith.

I sat up behind the wheel. I boggled. "She goes here?"

She was talking with the usual girl she's with at school. She was raising her arms, probably trying to emphasizing what she was saying. And I stayed there in my seat, watched her. I wondered:

Was this the happiest place she was talking about?

Before I could wonder even more, I saw her glance my way. I panicked. I ducked under the wheel and quivered like a scared little kid. I waited for the excited chatter to die down. I heard it float past the front of my pickup. In fact, I think I heard Meredith's voice. Was she singing? It sounded like her.

The curiosity was enough to have me sit up and look. I saw people coming into their own vehicles. I looked around.

And saw her staring right at me. Meredith's eyes boggled. She stood frozen in her place, by their pickup. An old man, probably her granddad, was talking to her. She didn't seem to be listening.

She was too busy staring right at me.

In a state of panic, I jammed my car keys and the engine roared to life. I rolled out of there.

But I still felt her eyes on me, even as I got nearer my house.

I wanted to stand by my word.

All that religious stuff isn't my thing. Meredith and I have different definitions of happy.

But another voice, not mine, was telling me, trespassing into my thoughts:

Do we?