Writings of Expression

How Can I?

"Open your door," you call to me outside the castle.
How can I when this fear of being yours locks my limbs?
I've tried pushing you away in the name of your safety,
Yet you always come back without fail with love and joy.

"Anger kept the fear and sadness you feel locked away"
How can I not be angry at a world that creates suffering?
You help ease that anger, but fear floods me as well, dear.
The pain I have gone through, I don't want you to see it...

You speak of words I try to forget, words that pain me.
I try to forget them for how hollow they sound now,
Especially since I thought they meant something before,
Only to have them end up being just hot air, empty words.

"Bring me close, let me see the past you regret," I hear
Why should I place that burden upon your shoulders?
If it's difficult for me, what does that say for others?
This burden is mine to bear, and mine alone, my love.

"It's not so hard living on your own," I have said to you.
That may be the words I say, but they are hollow words,
Attempts to make myself believe this loneliness is good.
Yet I cannot help but yearn to be yours and yours alone.

All I want to hear from you is this: "I want you as you are."
Hearing that, maybe then I will let my walls collapse,
Let the gates open to let you in, even when you could enter
Without using the gates to enter the depths of my heart.

I wish to lend you my voice, but I'm scared of hurting,
Terrified you will leave me once my voice grows weak.
Being the puppet of another is something I can't bear!
Not after the past that you say you want to hear me spill.

"Let me start to show you what I see," is your reply to me,
Which makes it so I want to surrender to my emotions.
I want to see how you see me, but it is difficult for me,
As I am used to only seeing myself as a beast to hunt.

"Let me come and sit by the fire, just let me close to your heart"
Darling, I want you close but I'm scared to death
That I will only be a springboard for your love life,
Leaving me with a bruised heart and shattered mind.

Should you desire me, I'll be hear at the edge of light,
Awaiting your decision on who you want to be,
What you desire from love and life as you live,
And especially what you want in a partner for life.

How can I be okay with letting you go, my love?
Why am I okay with being there as a friend?
Should I even dare to love you as I want to?
Perhaps, I may never know the answers I seek...