Writings of Expression

My Heart's Desire

I once thought I knew what love was to me. I had chased it, searched for it, and had it several times, and yet the last one I fell for before my eyes were opened forced me to wake up. Darling, I thought I was brave and could let love in and let it grow. Now? Now that my eyes have opened and I now know what love is to me, I am scared to open up and let you in. Teasing you and messing with you are how I am trying to gather the courage to tell you what it is I desire, but I can't bring myself to tell you with my words in my voice when you stand before me. Not once has a kiss been so difficult to give, never have I faltered to say those three small words, and there are times when I have gone beyond what I felt was okay. Yet somehow, falling for you as I have, learning to love and cherish you as you are, that has made me like the young man I used to be. Scared, nervous, and worried about how my love can affect others and how it will affect me to let myself be loved in the way I feel it. Perhaps you have started to piece the puzzle together, my love, but if not I will simply say it. I am in love with you in every way. I love your appearance every time I see you. I love to hear you laugh and see your smile! Most of all, I love how you never let darkness overwhelm you to the point where you lose your light. Whenever I recall the times I have let my light be hidden and removed from me, I feel guilty because I cannot match the light that you have without letting that darkness I have be seen as well. Perhaps with time I will feel worthy of being someone you gladly call your friend, but right now I feel ashamed of myself. My dearest love, I have fought tooth and nail to get to the point where I was able to meet you, get to know who you are, and to fall in love with you.  That alone feels like enough of a reward, but I can't help craving more. In dreams when I see you, I want to embrace you and hold you close, but somehow I always know that it is not you despite how vivid my dreams can be. No matter how life-like the dream you is, it is never close enough for me to who you are. Oh how I long to be able to hold you close, to cuddle on cold days and spend time talking about random things. How I wish I could feel worthy of being the one you love, but in my heart I know that will likely never happen because I am not the best of men. I am no king, nor prince of note. I'm not even the lord of an area I can call my own, despite wanting a place to grow crops of my own. Maybe if you feel like there is no other like me and I am what you desire, then this lowly knight of peasant blood will be honored to be yours. However, don't fault me for saying that you could find better than me. I am broken, battered, and scarred by not only my experiences in the reality that we call home, but I have abused myself further in my mind to better understand and hopefully help those who aren't as fortunate as me.  Why someone, let alone seven have fallen for a broken knight who's spirit barely keeps him going, I may never know. Many times have I told myself that I am not worthy of love, living a full life, or being happy, yet you and others keep saying that I am worthy of all that and more. Oh how I wish I could believe that when I don't feel safe enough at home to sleep without being slightly tensed in case problems occur. Despite doing my best to temper my love for you with the reality that you do not wish to date at this time, I can't help but want to be close with you as friends for the time you decide you are ready to date. My longing to be yours, to feel the love that you reserve for the one, it is something I must carry like a hiker carries a load just light enough to bear through the hike. Maybe now that you read this and can likely hear my voice speaking the words, I can finally bring myself to say what I have kept in my heart since the day I first met you.

If you would have me, I would gladly ride through stormy seas, climb steep mountains, and dive the deepest depths to be by your side. No matter what would happen to me, I would make my way back to you, because you are my anchor to this world of contradictions. Too long have I been adrift without knowing what it is I lack and seek, but you have helped me see the way. Love doesn't have to be all consuming, blinding, or even fiercely burning. The ways that love can feel that are often overlooked by others is what I desire. Peace, devotion, safety, and understanding. Those are what I desire from love, and that is which you give me in the amounts that tell me that I have the capability to find more of it. Perhaps you might not be the one for me, or I for you, but I wish to learn from you and learn to better be the man people who care keep telling me I am and can be. Maybe one day our paths may part, but I hope to see you before either of our paths are done so I can see how happy you are and congratulate you on walking your path that you desired to walk along. May your days be full of happiness, and if I must part ways with you for your life to be full and happy, so be it if that is what you wish.

You once said that girls like being serenade, but I have only truly serenade you, with only one getting close to the level I would consider serenading. Perhaps I'll never reveal this work of mine to anyone other than you, but these are my thoughts, my feelings, and my desires from the depths of my heart. I will always do my best to respect your wishes as you have respected mine, which means I may never show this to you until after my heart has learned to finally let go of the love and devotion I have towards you, my most beloved queen for whom I would gladly give all that I have for, including the fragmented life that I live. Not once have I doubted what my heart has always known. If you should ever ask it of me, I would gladly devote all I have, all I am, and all I will be to you and the path that you desire to walk. My road is one that is difficult and heavy, but I would gladly give it up to be able to support you as we walk side by side along the path you feel is best for you and the dreams and goals you wish to achieve in this life.

Your loving friend,
Terra aka Mystim Mourningstar, ErdeKrieger, Lasiter Rio de Amira