Inhliziyo Yami Yopha: My Heart Bleeds

Chapter 1

Two years later and I still find myself weeping at the thought of Lunga. I can't find it in me to heal because then, healing would mean I'm ready to forget about the man who once made me whole. How does one put behind the memories you've shared with a loved one?

Everyday since he passed away tragically, I  question what I could have done to have prevented what transpired that day. Thoughts of what I should have done occupy my mind on a daily basis. "I should have blackmailed him into staying." "I should have used my never-ending river of tears to get him left behind." "I should have..."!!!

The list goes on and on about what I could have done. The painful thing in all of this is that, all these "should have's" are of no use now. Lunga is gone and there is no getting him back...no matter how much I pray or what scientific research I do. He is gone and I'm left behind in this cruel world.

Never in my life, have I prayed to God as much as I did on that day! I prayed for that sudden call to have been nothing but a prank and, for him to protect the precious cargo that was growing inside my womb at the time. It saddens me to say that both prayers were unanswered.

I miscarried due to the high levels of my Blood Pressure and stress. This resulted in me, losing my baby on the same day his or her father passed. That was the final dagger to the wound but only this time, I didn't know if the wound would ever heal.

The pain was now multiplied as I found myself not knowing who to think of more than the other. If I think about my departed baby more than I do about Lunga, I get a sense of guilt. And vice versa.

I wonder on most days if I would have made a good mother and if the baby would have looked more like me or the father. When those days come, I get into a very depressive episodic behaviour. I shut myself off from the world for a day or two then only resurface when I feel better.

The thing I can say though is that, the pain of losing a loved one never gets better. In fact, it only worsens because you imagine how your life would've turned out had they still been alive. You search for their presence in every thing and anything, looking out for signs that are not even there.

That's what death does...it turns you into the worst version of yourself and you can only hope you get better as time goes. That's what I wish for every time... I wish I get to become a better person for those who still get to live with me. I've been a shitty person since the loss and everyone else has been on the receiving end of my shit.

This is not the life I imagined....infact it is far from it. But since I'm still alive, I can only hope to make the best of the time I have left here on Earth. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and because of that, I'm willing to do things that challenge me.

I had to put grief on pause as I still had school to deal with. Some of us are not that gifted academically and so, we're required to put in a lot more effort than the average person. That is how I was since primary and because I knew my weaknesses, I needed to give my all.

This didn't change as it was the same in high school and tertiary as well. Studying became challenging at that time because in the quietness of the space I was in, all the thoughts of what happened would come rushing in like a hurricane.

I am an average student academically but when I was going through that rough patch, I was a straight down F student. It didn't help that I shut people off at the time. The good thing is though, after I got the results of that semester and saw that I flunked, I pushed myself to do better and well...here I am.

I obtained a Diploma in Public Relations and Communications at UJ. It was definitely not easy as I had to put all my time into school but I'm glad I finished. Now the only part I've been struggling with, is getting a job. As I have mentioned before, getting a job in South Africa is a very difficult task.

Most if not all companies, are looking for people with work experience. There is no logic in that because where would a person who just graduated get 3-years experience from. It makes no sense on how that would make sense but then I guess nothing does in this country now does it?

The only way to make sure you get a permanent job is if you have connections from the inside or if you have money to bribe. It is such a dog-eat-dog world that we don't even know what the act of UBUNTU is anymore.

Since I have no connections and no bribe money, I am forced to keep looking for a job even if it's something that I didn't study for. If I get too picky, I'll become a part of the statistics of being a graduate with no employment. Imagine how much debt I made to obtain a mere qualification.

*************

It is a brand new day...Monday morning to br exact and the sun is shining bright. I am going job hunting because as they say, 'Time waits for no man.', which is true.

If it were up to me, I'd stay locked up in the comfort of my home with no human interaction but this is real life and I have no choice but to make a living. That includes me leaving my house with copies of CV's in my bag heading to the taxi rank.

As I step outside the gate, I can already tell that for some people, the day began hours ago which is inspiring to say the least. Scholars already in their uniforms walking to schools or being picked up by their transports, vendors moving their cargoes to destinations unknown by me.

"Hi Kedi, unjani sisi? (...how are you sister?)", I say to my neighbour as she's sweeping her yard.

When I first moved here, Kedi didn't like me much because she felt I 'stole' Lunga from her. They sort of had a thing and apparently I'm the one who changed things between them. As if I have that kind of power to steal a grown ass man. But ever since that time she helped me out, she's been nicer towards me and I can say we are sort of friends.

I'm not sure of the exact relationship we share but her and I, are civil to one another. She's also been checking up on me every now and again, I make sure to return the same courtesy whenever I decide to leave the house.

"Dumela Nombuso, ke sharp wena o jwang? (Hello Nombuso, I'm okay and how are you?)", she says as she stops sweeping and steps outside her gate.

I don't want to say anything bad about Kedi but she's known for being the Kasi Gossip Girl. I'm not sure if that's true or not but I don't want to take any risks by sharing more than necessary.

Not wanting to waste any more time I say to her, "I'm good thanks hey. I'm going to town but I'll see you when I get back."

I can tell she's not pleased with these news but she knows I am not much of a talker. I mean I am a talker, but only to people who I'm close to.

She takes the hint and nods while waving at me goodbye. I like her because she doesn't push too much and for that I'll forever be grateful. I can confidently say, she has been a huge part in me getting better.

Okay now that my anxiety has had a taste of what to expect today, I think I'm ready to tackle any other human interactions. Ugh...even saying that makes bile rise up my throat. I continue with my journey to the taxi rank while listening to some uplifting music.

Sigh.

SOWETO is good place to be honest. I moved from Diepkloof where my uncle stayed, to here at Meadowlands where I moved in with Lunga. The two places are not that different when you observe closely.

Besides the fact that there is a lot of crime, it is wonderful how you get to see the young and old interact with each other on a daily basis. Every place has its flaws and Soweto is no different from them.

But once you give yourself a chance to be one with the people and get used to the surroundings, there is no going back. I need to start appreciating what I have and be a little more optimistic.

As I join the cue of the taxi headed to Sandton, I feel myself being more positive. Maybe things will work out for the better and...who knows? I might just get a job at one of the companies I'll be dropping my CV at.

'Baby Riddim' by FAVE plays next as I hum to the beat of the song.