Inhliziyo Yami Yopha: My Heart Bleeds

Chapter 65

NOMBUSO

"He's in a better place now."
"At least he's no longer suffering."
"Stay strong."
"There's a reason for everything."

These are some of the phrases people have been saying to us these past few days. They are all horrible and in no way, do they help Bonga and I feel better. But instead, they make us feel even worse. None of these phrases are comforting because they only make us feel horrible.

Thuthuka passed away two days after the conversation I had with him. He was surrounded by his loved one's even in his last hour but it still hurts how my son's life was cut short. It was cut short by an illness that eats away at someone's flesh. My son departed looking like a completely different person.

He had lost way too much weight and looked like a reflection of who he used to be. I know he was in pain, I mean I saw him crying about pain. But I didn't want him to go. He needed to go but I just didn't want him to. I believed him then after he took his last breath that he was fighting this illness for me.

It must have been me overlooking or maybe not but, after I told him it's okay to give in he looked better. He talked a bit more and was enthusiastic about spending time with us all. We played video games with him and he played with his toys, together with his little brother.

The moments I captured of them together make my heart full. They are so beautiful and it's as if they both knew that Thu would soon be gone from this world. In each and every picture, they were happy and one could just tell from their postures. My sister and friends kept on checking in on me just before he passed. On their behalf, they were worried I'd do something to hurt myself.

I would never do anything like that. NEVER. But that doesn't mean I hadn't thought of it. My heart was shattered, it still is. How could HE take away my second child from me? I prayed and asked him to let me have the baby I was carrying in my womb years ago, when I was still with Lunga. HE took that baby away from me.

And now? I carried my baby full-term until he was grown. I fed him, bathed him, changed his diapers and did every other thing a mother does for their child. But that still didn't stop God from taking him away from me. He allowed me to watch the boy grow and for me to love him unconditionally only for HIM to take my child away from me once again.

Tell me how is that fair!? How am I supposed to believe in HIM after HE watched me constantly lose the people that mean the most to me? When will it ever stop? First it was my parents; then my uncle; Lunga and our baby. Oh and the cherry on top, Thuthuka. I can't deal with this pain I feel in my heart, it really feels like a dagger has been plunged deep into my chest.

I'm starting to think that I'm not destined for true happiness. My heart bleeds at the thought of all the people I've lost. People that I loved and cherished. They are gone now and there is no chance of them ever coming back. That I know for sure.

My husband is not coping, I can tell by just looking at him. Every night when we go to sleep, he cries himself to sleep. I try to be there for him as much as I can and I can only hope that my presence during these moments, brings him some sort of comfort. He is a strong man, that I know but strong men break down too.

That's why I've created a safe space for him in our bedroom. During the day, he's busy with other men going up and down the yard doing some work. But every chance I get to steal him from the crowd to take care of him, I use it. He needs to offload the stress because it gets too much.

More especially now that our house is always filled with people. Some are friends, family, neighbours or just complete strangers that came here with people who know us. The point is...the house is just always packed there is no room to breathe.