Inhliziyo Yami Yopha: My Heart Bleeds

Chapter 57

ZANOTHANDO

Nikiwe is really a beautiful woman and as I sit here looking at her, I realize how blessed I would have been had she accepted my proposal. She knows how to care for a man beyond the sexual needs and that to me is exactly what I need in a woman- a wife.

Now that we've both satisfied our sexual hunger, I believe it's time she opens up and tells me the honest truth. Her opening up doesn't necessarily mean her and I will get back together but I believe this is the one thing I need in order for me to fully move on from her. So I can heal and get someone I will be fully invested in if not her.

"Explain Nikiwe.", I honestly don't have time to beat about the bush.

I need to know why and I need to know now. She lets out a sigh and sadness covers her face. I don't understand how she went from being a confident woman to looking like a depressed widow. And no, I don't think that was the right choice of words but that's the only way I can describe her at this moment.

With her head facing the floor an her face in the palm of her hands, she starts talking. "Growing up, I had a male best friend named Thabiso. He was like a brother to me and we did everything together. He used to call me Niki."

She pauses and looks up facing me with those hypnotic eyes. They still make my heart feel fuzzy and warm every time I look at them. Hopefully one day we'll get to a point where they have zero effect on me.

"He was there for me during my toughest time especially when my dad passed away. I had nobody to open up to because my mom was also hurting at that time and well Gogo was busy dealing with things while mom was under the weather. But through it all, Thabiso was there."

"Okay.", I nod my head.

"And still the same thing happened when my mom passed on as well. At the time I became rebellious and started going to parties. Just as expected he was there with me and we had fun I didn't care whether Gogo shouted at me or not, as long as I enjoyed."

For some reason the mood is now somber and I can't even explain why. Or maybe it's the fact that I can tell how much this topic is draining her. Sometimes I should learn to let things go because now I might have opened old wounds for her. I hate that. Her being sad that is.

"You don't have to go on if you can't. It's okay I'll let this topic go.", I say to ease her.

She shakes her head and wipes her now falling tears, "No it's okay. I want to tell you."

I nod and she carries on.

"Then one day I went to a house party around the area alone because I had distanced myself from everyone including Cindy. I had planned on getting one or two drinks then head back home but when I got there Thabiso was there. I had no idea he would be there but I was happy nonetheless.

He got me a drink and introduced me to some of his other friends he had been chilling with. I was happy to mingle with them because I knew that if anything were to happen, my "brother" would be there to protect me. And so I drank a bit more than intended but I'm sure that it was no more than five cans of ciders.

I know very well that- that amount of cans would never get me drunk to the point of not being in control of my actions or blacking out. But I did that night, I actually blacked out even though I could still hear and slightly see what was happening.

The one I trusted the most conspired with his friends to have me drugged so they can rape me. I tried fighting, I really did but there was only so much I could do with me being drugged and all. It was at that moment that I regretted not staying home with my grandmother and mourn for my mother as I should have.

I knew that I would leave that place a different person and that's exactly what happened. Five guys including my so called brother, took turns having their way with me. As dry as I was, none of them thought of using any form of lubrication so that I wouldn't hurt as much. The pain I felt was unimaginable.

The next morning, I woke up at home with no clue of how I got there and that's when the realness of what happened hit me. I realized that I was now a victim of gang rape and I couldn't tell Gogo about it because then she'd get sick and Lord knows what else would have happened to her.

So I stood tall and soldiered on till I was able to have breakfast with her. I asked her who brought me home and she said it was Thabiso who she was grateful of because anything would have happened to me. If only she knew that some did happen and he was the cause. I listened to her tell me stories for a long while until I told her I'm going to see Cindy.

When in actual fact I was going to the doctor to get checked up and see if there was any way to prevent sicknesses. I got there and I got an entire check up with the doctors pleading that I open a case for whoever did this. I didn't want to but they convinced me when my world got shattered.

The doctor told me that my womb got raptured during the entire horrible experience. He said this could have been because all the men had different ways of handling my body and that my womb was the one in line of getting destroyed. So just like that I was advised to come back a week later to get it removed so that it doesn't cause any problems for me in the future.

I was shattered and I knew that I had to tell Gogo about the rape issue since I had filed a case for Thabiso and his friends. When I told her, she looked defeated and broken but I was happy when she was able to be strong for me. One thing I didn't tell her about was the removal of my womb and ever since she's been in the dark about it.

Thabiso and his friends got arrested as a rape test was performed by the doctor already. They said even though I had bathed, traces of their semen were found and so they would go behind bars for a long time. That made me happy even though I had lost my only chance of ever having to caring my own children. From thereon, I didn't want anyone shortening my name to Niki.", now it makes sense why she didn't like for me to use this name.

"At that time, I made myself a promise to never get married to anyone, ever. This is because I knew I would have to bare children for that person and I knew I never wanted to explain why I couldn't have any. So yes, I don't want to get married. What would be the purpose of a wife that can't fulfill the duties of being a wife, which is baring children.

So you see Zano, it's not about you but me as a person. Even if I had agreed to marry you, I wouldn't be able to give you children. And not only that, I wouldn't be happy knowing very well how much you want to have your own family. Your own kids."

At the end of all that she's wiping her never-ending tears with mucus dripping down her nose. She is hurting and I'm hurting with her too. I never imagined that it would be something so deep. I always thought that it was because she's been hurt too many times by guys but not in this way.

I'm sad and angry. Angry that she went through something so terrible. Sad that she didn't trust me enough to tell me all this before we even broke up. I'm sure we wouldn't be at this point had she told me this when I begged her to open a million times. The having a family issue we could have worked around and I'm sure of it.

Now I'm not so sure I want to be with someone who didn't trust me enough to open up to me about something this traumatic. I would have tried my best to help her heal and deal with her past traumas since all she needed was support. Someone to hold her hand through it all.

And I guess I'm just not that to her and I guess that's okay. Hopefully one day she'll find someone she'll be comfortable around to tell all these things. I love this woman but I don't think this will ever work out. I get off the couch and go to sit beside her.

I pull her into a warm embrace just brushing her back. "I'm so sorry Nikiwe. I'm sorry you went through that and all by yourself.", I say kissing the top of her head.

She sobs and lets it all out. The pain she's been carrying inside, all on her own all these years is now being let out. I'm happy she's finally got this off her chest and maybe now telling this story to other people she's close to will be easier.

"It will be okay my love. Everything is going to be okay.", I repeatedly whisper those words in her ear as I rock her back and forth.