Hate at First Sight

Chapter 47

Alice's P.O.V

Lea's gone and my parents are working and the empty house is making me anxious. I hate being alone now. I spent so much time back in LA curled up in my room, shutting the world out. I'm not going to do that anymore.

I'm beginning to realise how much of a coward I really am. Why didn't I knock again when Ben shut the door in my face? Why am I too pathetic to even take a risk? If only I was Lea. Lea is perfect. Lea has managed to forgive me for all I did to her, to patch things up with Ed and has never once wavered firm being true to herself.

Inspired by my sister's quiet courage I grab by jacket and the car keys and jump in the car. I refuse to let my mind wander from the task at hand because I know if I over-think this I'm going to turn back around and go home.

Ben might not even be home, I realise. He was supposed to be with Lea. I continue to drive regardless, determined that I'm going to fix everything. If he's not there, I'll wait. I think I'm like a butterfly, no, scratch that, butterflies are beautiful and graceful. Lea is a butterfly, I'm more of a... moth? But anyway, I think I'm like a moth who's been too afraid to fly. I've learned over the past few months that you never know where life will take you, or how many more opportunities you will get to fix your life so I'm about to seize the ones I have before I've left if too long. The damage cannot be irreparable.

I push the break as I reach Ben's house and I notice two figures playing soccer.
They glance up as I push my door open and stumble out of the car.
I see Ben roll his eyes as he turns and continues his game.
"Alice?" The other lad asks.
It's Ed.
"Hey Ed! What's up?" I feign confidence, displaying as much nonchalance as I can muster. They need to believe I'm not absolutely terrified.

Ed doesn't reply to me. He stares in Ben's direction instead as Ben looks everywhere but at me.
He begins to walk away and Ed turns to follow.
"Wait!" I cry. "Please Ben."
He must hear the pure, unfiltered desperation in my voice because Ben turns on his heel and takes a step towards me. I walk towards him slowly, afraid he might leave as he notices me approaching. But he doesn't.

"Listen Alice..." Ben begins. His tone is one a person might use to tell a child that they forgot their birthday or can't spend Christmas with them or they sat on their favourite toy, or something.
"Ben.." I begin to protest before he has a chance to continue. I see him calculating his every move and I'm fairly certain he's carefully censoring every word he uses.

He smiles at me sadly.
"Alice I forgive you, okay?" It's more of a statement than a question.
I throw my arms around him but he stumbles back, prising them from around his neck.
"I forgive you Alice but I won't forget. I can't forget. Every time I look at you all I can see is that day. The picture of you kissing him is clear as ever in my mind and I don't really care what your motives were. It hurt, Alice. It hurt like hell and you couldn't even see that. You thought you knew what was best for me but when did I get a say? I didn't."

He reaches down and wipes the tears from my face.
"It kills me to see you in pain right now Alice. I want nothing more than to comfort you and tell you it'll all be okay. But I can't lie to you."
I sniffle. "Ben is there any chance?"
He stares into my eyes for a long time and I see the barrier fade away. I see the ice that was there melt and he takes my face gently in one hand.
"Maybe."

I drop my face because I can't stand to look at him anymore, the humiliation. Ed is watching me carefully.
"Tell Lea I said hi and that I'd like to talk to her."
He pleads. I feel my eyebrows furrow in confusion. "Wha...what?"

Ben looks curiously at me.
"She didn't tell you?"
I still can't look at him so indirect my question at Ed, desperate to contain my emotions that are threatening to erupt again.
"Tell me what?"
Ben answers my question.
"They're... not together."

Ben shakes his head and pulls me into an awkward hug.
"I'm sorry Alice but this is just too painful. I need some space. Don't come back." I feel a pang in my chest and the tears begin to spill again. "Dude are you really willing to lose her?" I hear Ed mutter as I run towards the car and force the door open. I collapse on the seat and press my foot on the peddle. And through the open window I hear his scream, his warning, a few seconds too late...