Ghosts

You Are

Ghost's pov
Song inspo Numb Without You by The Maine

She never answered my question, and I decided not to push for now. Things felt weird between us and I couldn't figure it out. Johnny's warning echoed in my mind on the drive home, about how she'd be furious once she remembered and realized I'd let her sit around the house doing nothing. But it wasn't that, it was something else, it had to be.

When I parked the car and moved to get out she stayed still, so I waited, willing her to look over at me.

"I need a few minutes." She said without looking over. I didn't like that. I absolutely fucking hated the way she said it. I didn't want to leave her alone, I had no idea what she was feeling or thinking and I had no idea how to fix it. I didn't do well with feeling helpless, I'd made a promise to myself when I let Simon die that I'd never feel like that again. She made me feel it constantly.

Still, I left her alone, knowing she'd only get frustrated if she didn't. I went inside and took my gear off, removed my mask and washed the black paint off my face.

I'd been expecting something different once she got her memories back. I'd been waiting too long for it to feel like this; wrong.

I did my best to control my temper. I'd gotten good at hiding my emotions over the years but she always brought out ones I hadn't felt in a long time. I wasn't angry at her, just the situation, the unknown.

We weren't supposed to be here, the mission would always get in the way and we would always follow after it. It was the reason she went to the US in the first place, the reason we were still dealing with Varikov's leftovers.

We'd both die in action, it was something we accepted when we continued with SAS and 141. Suddenly wanting to not die because we found someone was a dangerous thing. But we'd crossed the line over and over again until it became normal. Until my home was hers, until I had remembered every freckle on her face.

What had I become? What had she?

I didn't relax when she finally came inside, but I busied myself by preparing tea. She thought I didn't know she preferred coffee, but that wasn't true. She'd get tea anyways.

She moved behind me, sliding her arms around my waist and pressing her face into my back.

"Don't." She muttered as I started to turn in her arms, so I listened even though I wanted to look at her. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" I asked, relaxing a bit at the fact that she was at least talking to me, and wanted to be close.

"Something's wrong with me." She answered as if it were obvious.

"What are you on about?" I was trying to keep it light, I was confused.

"Imagine you didn't know anything about yourself, but you got to read all of these things and you decided you didn't like that person people told you you were." She explained. Oh, I got it now.

"Senna." I said carefully, I wasn't sure I'd ever witnessed her be so fragile.

"I don't like this part either. I want to be back to myself. I want to forget that I ever forgot who I was." She continued, fingers tightening on my shirt. "Before I remembered I thought about walking away. Starting over. Leaving 141 behind."

I thought about letting her.

"I know." I muttered, placing my hands on the counter to help stop myself from turning to face her. "You could have, why didn't you?" I asked then.

"Multiple reasons." She answered.

"Go on"

"Johnny. He's better than us. I know he'd keep going and I don't want him to end up like Callum, or worse, like me." She started though we both knew neither of us could truly stop that from happening. Still I knew what it felt like to think you could.

"Price. I know he wouldn't be disappointed. He tells us we decide where to draw the line but I have this ridiculous fear of letting him down. And because it's my job. Johnny made me remember why we do it and I don't think I could forgive myself if I walked away and stopped fighting just because I didn't like myself." She continued and I could feel a slight shake in her hands even though they were clutching my shirt.

"You." She breathed and I felt it, that tug on the thread that had managed to form when I first laid eyes on her. "Leaving you would do the same thing to you as it would to me. Even if I didn't remember it still would have changed me. It would take away the last bit of humanity we have." She examined and I agreed even though all her other reasons were proof of her humanity. Our team was our humanity, whether or not we'd gotten involved with each other.

"And because I'm selfish. I want you. I just don't know how much longer we can keep doing this to each other."

"As long as we can." I answered for her. They were her words. She'd once asked me how long we could live like this and I'd told her as long as we had to. But she was right when she corrected me that night. Through everything, I would keep loving her as long as I could. Even if she was thousands of miles away, or if she didn't remember who I was. None if that mattered, not when we eventually got to have moments like this. They were all worth it.

I finally turned in her arms, removing her hands from my shirt as I moved to lift her up and sit her on the counter like I had a few nights ago.

"Listen to me, Senna. I mean really listen. There is nothing wrong with you. You are who you are because of the things you've gone through. Just the same as me. I don't know what you went through in New Mexico and I don't know if it has anything to do with why you're feeling like this. But I-" I paused, fumbling over my words.

"In the same way that you thought about walking away, I thought about letting you. I wanted it for you. But I knew that isn't you. You're not normal, you are a Lieutenant. You are Cadaver, you are the best and worst parts of yourself. You're like me. You're a ghost. You kill, and you like it. I like it." Her eyes were wide as I went on, and I wasn't sure if I had ever talked so much in my life without someone talking back, but I wasn't done. "You are my person. And it's selfish, and fucking terrible but I wouldn't have it any other way. I hated letting you leave but there was in no way in hell I'd stop you. I knew you wouldn't stop me. We'll probably be back here in this spot one day, questioning if this is right, if we're right but I don't fucking care anymore. I'm tired of thinking we can't love each other because of who we are and what we went through."

Senna's hands had balled up the front of my shirt again and that determined look on her face that I knew so well had finally returned.

"I love you." I finished. I told her before but it felt different this time, final.

"I love you." She echoed and then we collided.

---notes
Ummm. Okay then. Screaming.