Ghosts

Broken

Senna's pov
Song inspo hope ur happy by until I wake
(This song is for Senna directed at Senna, She's not putting blame on anyone but herself)

I stayed locked in the bathroom for hours. Ghost came and banged on the door, weakening the hinges most definitely. I knew he wanted to be there for me, to tell me I was going to be okay, but I couldn't face them. I couldn't face any of them, so I sent him away. Told him I'd never forgive him if he didn't leave me alone.

I was fucking up the mission, holding them back from going after Graves. I didn't even know if Laswell had found him yet but I had no motivation to get up off the floor.

Was this self pity, or something worse?

I expected Soap to come to me but he didn't, if anyone could have talked me off the ledge it might have been him. I knew Price wouldn't even try, he was probably too afraid to face me knowing that I remembered. It wasn't his fault, I had to tell him that at some point. Make him believe it.

I thought I broke when Callum died, when I'd almost lost Ghost but this was something else. Was it selfish? Hating myself just because I'd been dealt a shit hand?

Did Graves already know what I had made myself forget when he ordered me to touch him, to bring him pleasure? Sick fuck. He did this, all of this, on purpose. He wanted to break me, wanted me to make me hate myself more than I ever had and he'd succeeded.

I couldn't do this anymore. I was done.

Soap's words echoed in my head, what would happen if I would die. I basically was dead at this point. I was done putting the people I cared about at risk, I was done being used by the worst people to ever exist. I was done with the military, and done with 141.

I thought I had been crazy when I wanted to walk away from this life before I got my memories back, but now I regretted not doing it then.

I swallowed my pride, let everything I'd just learned about myself sink in. I couldn't be a good guy anymore, I couldn't get dirty to keep my hands clean anymore. I just couldn't.

I took a breath and pushed myself up off the ground, numb. I opened the door to find Price sitting on the edge of the bed.

He looked up at me and then stood before giving me a knowing nod. He knew what this would do to me, even without what Graves had put me through it would have been the same outcome. My face was devoid of any emotion, and that told him all he needed to know.

"It's not your fault." I told him. I didn't want to speak, didn't want to have to feel anything but I couldn't walk away without telling him.

He didn't say anything back and I could tell he didn't believe me, that he was still blaming himself.

"John." I warned. I wanted to reach out for him, to have him -anyone- hold me, but that would let in too much and I didn't want to feel.

"Okay." He muttered.

Soap and Ghost must have heard me because they moved into the room, they only made it harder.

I shrugged off my gear, setting it atop one of the beds before setting my weapons on top of it. I was glad that I wasn't in SAS gear, that would have hurt more to take off.

"What are you doing?" Soap asked and Ghost stepped forward, like he wanted to stop me but I stepped back and I think he figured it out then.

"I'm sorry." I muttered, not being able to look at any of them, especially Simon. If our eyes met I knew I wouldn't have been able to leave him. He would expect me to be at his house when they finished but I wouldn't. I couldn't have him while I wasn't a part of the team anymore. It would be too hard.

"Senna, please." Soap pleaded and when he moved to step closer to me I had to press my hand on his chest to keep him away. Even that weakened me, he was making this too difficult.

"Lieutenant Floren is no longer suitable for her position, and has been relieved of her duty." Price said strongly. Not because it was exactly true but because he could see I needed help explaining.

"Says who?" Soap argued.

"Me." Price answered, shutting down and further arguments.

I knew if I told Price that I changed my mind, that if I wanted to go after Graves, he'd let me. And that was exactly why I couldn't. His judgment was not what it was supposed to be with me, he'd always been too easy on me and that made me a risk, for all of them.

I'd have enough of it. I wasn't a good enough soldier, I didn't belong in 141.

I couldn't stand there much longer. I looked back at Price and gave him a nod before turning and walking out the room, then out of the house and into the desert.

"Senna, wait!" I could hear his footsteps following me before he even spoke.

"Ghost, please, I-"

"Don't call me that." He ordered, pulling off his mask like it didn't matter that we were outside and if any one of Graves' men was lingering they'd easily see him. Though I doubted that, him and Soap would have cleared a large radius after Graves' little stunt.

"What are you doing?" He asked, searching my face. Fuck why did I have to look at him?

"I'm done." I told him.

"What does that mean?"

"It means what it means. Price says we draw the line where we see fit, and this is it, this is my line." I explained, feeling the need to run.

"Are you going home?" He asked then and I felt my chest ache. I didn't want to lie to him, but I knew he'd tried to convince me otherwise if I didn't.

"Yea, I'm going home." I lied, I didn't know where home was for me.

"We'll get Graves. And I'll see you after." The last part was more like a question and I think he suspected I was lying.

"Okay." I said as I turned to keep walking but his hand around my wrist stopped me, forcing me to face him again.

"I love you." He breathed and I hated him for it. I hated myself knowing I wasn't going to see him again, that I at least didn't plan for it. He was better off without me. We should have never crossed that line.

"I know."

---notes
Okay okay okay, I know what you're thinking. Just breath. It's gonna be okay,  I promise.