The Book Of Females

Ninja at after 4:30am

So I have a lot going on! A science fair project to finish typing up, a few end of block poem stuff to type up, I have to memorize the national anthem for the seniors graduation, finish a resume, find a song to sing on the 21st that is likely going to go on our school web page, job hunt, decide if I want to audition for american idols final season. Which by the way is in like two months for where I live, I also have and aunt and uncle visiting around that time AND find time during all of this to write and update my books!

Alright on to this mornings topic....

Past Regrets...

Yeah we all have them and sadly I have them more than most... I think my biggest regret is actually two things. One never telling Cain to stop being an ideot dickhead and listen to me. I knew him sense we were kids and the kind of family he was from was psychotic. His mum was fucked up in the head and thought he was the devils spawn cause he was born with these really pretty golden colored eyes. I to this day have never seen anyone with even remotely similar ones. But anyways she was put in a pysch ward or something when he was two after she tried smothering him. His dad was also nuts cause he blamed Cain for his mum being that way. And when he was seven he got his nanny to finally take him to see her. Apparently he looked so much like her older brother did that she snapped and jumped out of a fourth story window to escape him after screaming "you look just like your father" apparently this ment her brother raped her and Cain was the result. Turned out as we found out when we were older that the only reason his "Father" kept and raised him was cause he needed an heir to take over his empire when he died csude he was sterile. Yeah... his dad was one crazy sick mofo... Oh but it gets worse! His had was a crime lord. I shit you not. And british but thats another story for another time... anyways his dad as time went on grew more mentally unstable and began plotting shit. Can knew his dad was going to kill him and the day before it happened I got to see him after him being locked in his room for a week that summer. I told him not to go back that he could escape him but he wouldn't listen. He promised before he left me that I would see him the next day but he lied. He went home that night and knew he was going to die. My regret was not making SURE her KNEW I loved him. I told him several times before that I did but he always couldn't believe it fully. But I did I loved him so much and it hurt so bad when I found out he was gone from a mutual friend of ours.

Regret number two is letting someone control m life so fully that it made me leave loved ones in fear for their lifes. Letting this person drive me to cutting to feel some sort of control. I will admit I had hit rock bottom and almost killed myself after they attacked me. I had told my "mother" about it when it happened and she laughed about it and called me an attention seeker and a liar. Funny thing was she saw him try to abduct me a few weeks later. She never apologized and told any adult that asked afterwards that I was a liar. All of that drove me to try and kill myself... I will say this. Im not sorry for doing so because I feel its my decision do do so if I felt I was done with that living nightmare. No one would help me and at the time I knew it would have either been me or him. Fortunately or not my best friend found me before it was too late. She understood why I did it and didn't judge me she only said to me "if you do this he wins. If you fight back he doesn't" and ever sense then I haven't once cut. My regret was letting him sink me so low I hated myself and just gave up. Im lucky that I scar in a way that they show up as thin white lines that you can only see when I spend enough time in the sun. Now you only see them if you know they are their and look real closely. Oh and before you say go to therapy for that I already have :P

Today I still hate. I really don't feel much anymore besides that and saddness for all the people I have lost or cannot be with for various reasons. One day I will Find some of them again and when I do I plan on holding on tight and never letting go. I did that once before for their safety and it broke me. I know that should it happen again I would never recover and I wouldn't need a blade cause I would die then and their by will alone.

Its sad that my life has been so fucked up and this chapter today is only the tip of the iceberg I like to ironically like to call hell but hey when see what I have, knew the many people I did/do then you can judge me but until then don't even bother cause I won't care. My reasoning?

The only people whom I care the opinions from I already know what they would say. And Im okay with that.