The Book Of Females

Ninja's Thoughts One Night...

Warning Ninja MAY get a little dark here...

Ninja has been thinking about a few things...

I have lots of friends... but they don't really know me. Okay grades for now. But school doesn't interest me when Im okay enough to go. I have a family. Sisters and grandparents. But I don't feel what I should towards them. I know for a fact they think they care for me but they don't. Maybe on a small level they do but not enough to actually SHOW it.

Is it bad to want to start over?

I think once I turn 18 I am going to just disappear for awhile. Idk... I think I want to just start fresh somewhere else. Somewhere my past does not haunt me so much.

Because honestly?

The way Im going now I KNOW I will end up killing myself eventually.

Whether it be physically or mentally.

I haven't truly slept peacefully sense I was 4 years old due to memory trauma. The things I have seen are sometimes too much for anyone to handle so Im surprised I have not snapped yet.

Im terrified to go outside at night because of WHO could be out there. The night used to be my favorite time of day. I would take walks or hang with friends and star gaze. Now I can't even fetch my dog from the yard at night.

Don't forget the loneliness!

I used to have so many people I truly cared for but they were ripped away by the same person who makes me fear the night and my very own dreams.

The psychological games and shit that person plays with me was enough yo make me slit my wrists several times.

I even faintly remember being pushed too far one time that I tried to kill myself just to end it all. Cause after all... They cant hurt you if your dead right? Fortunately someone found me before it was too late.

People say I am depressed. I can honestly say I am not.

I am just someone who is tired of people playing with her. Someone done with being used. Being terrified all the time wondering when the last few people you even remotely care for disappear because of the person who's made your entire existence hell.

Im not depressed Im fed up and pissed.

The pain of my past was what caused me to cut.

The Horror of my dreams was what made me withdraw from others.

And most of all?

I am tired and done with being HIS little pawn in this fucked up sick sadistic game he's playing.

I truly really just want to be left be and happy.

Thats all...

I may have began thinking about all of this because of things I have recently remembered due to being around others as of late.

Well thats all for now....