The Book Of Females

Recent Happenings / Ranting

So my official senior year ended not to long ago... Im going back next year as an extended senior so I can do college part time for free!

Tonight I re-read one of my favorite FanFiction ever. At the end of all things by milgarion is a Harry Potter / Severus Snape fic. It is the best well written, deep, soul wrenching, awe inspiring thing I have ever had the fortune of reading in my life. It is a thousand times better than my favorite movie A Walk To Remember and infinitely better than A Fault Im Our Stars.  This is my favorite FanFiction because it hits close to home in some aspects. In this story Harry and Severus love unexpectedly, deeply, passionately, and consumingly. Their love was expressed in a way that as you read along with them through being sick until the end and saw how events were going to end you wish it never would come. This story is my favorite because I know that type of love. Loving someone unexpectedly and so strongly that when it was ripped away from me it almost killed me. Unlike Harry I know  that happy ending where I will meet up with that one person eventually will never happen. I wont get that peaceful end where everything stops hurting, where there is no more worry, or stress, or fear. This FanFiction makes me cry every time I read it because it makes me remember. It makes me remember the past when I had that love. I remember it and all the memories that accompanies that feeling. I remember that I am alone now. Unlike Harry I wont struggle through for a bit before finally being relieved of the burden of living on with that pain and being reunited with the one I love. I have to continue struggling on every day, every month, every year, for the rest of my life knowing I have to forever alone.  I have no happily ever after.

In the eighteen years I have been alive my life has been a perpetual hell. My mother never wanted me but kept me because my grandparents expected her to. Every day of my life until I was about 14 when she had a psychotic break and tried to kill us all she reminded me of how unwanted I was. The rest of my family play acts that everything is fine and that we all love each other but I know its a lie and its easy to see that. Im practically my little sisters mother. I lost friends due to death in horrifying ways because of a stalker that loves to relentlessly fuck with my head. I can't go outside at night because I am terrified that the one day I do he will decide that days the day he will finally finish the job and either rape me or slit my throat like he said he would the last time we met. I have no o e to talk to about it because the only people who have actually seen his face are either dead because of him, missing, or live states away now. The last time I tried talking to my older sister about it all I was in middle school and she flipped shit and tried to have me committed to a psychiatric ward thinking I was nuts. Ironically he jumped a friend of mine two weeks later cause he found out I told someone about him again. Anytime I talk to my grandma about him she blows me off acting like I'm making shit up. To point out how much more shitty my life isI went to a three day birthday celebration for a friend a year or so ago and we decided to test our alcoholic tolerance by playing a drinking game (and idk how the fuck I didn't get poisoning from how much I drank) and Im pretty sure one of my friends boyfriend took advantage of me and took my virginity. That night was such a blur Idk... What I do remember after like 3:00am when the rest of our group were passed out leaves me lime 85% sure of this. Si I guess if my stalker comes after me for sex like he claimed he would Id rather my first time being so pissed faced that I can't remember diddly shit than to rape. I could go on in that vein but that just makes me want to kill myself so I think thats all about that I wanna write right now.  Moving on... I suppose the only good thing in my life is my cat and that one of my bffs is moving back into town. I plan on getting a job soon and saving up money so I can get the hell out of here and live in obscurity. I mean fuck my family who aren't grateful for the shit I put up with and went through for them. Fuck the people I should be able to trust with shit but can't cause they keep fucking up. Fuck my stalker for ruining my life and killing or hurting the people I love. Fuck the people I love for always hurting me or leaving. Just FUCK everything! Im done! As so As I can I'm getting the hell away from this abyss of misery and shit. I am tired of the nightmares about real memories. Im done with crying myself to sleep more often than being able to sleep peacefully. Im done with no one noticing my pain or actually giving a shit. Eighteen years of nothing but hell and they wonder why I used to cut, why I don't date, why I have "friends ", why I want away. I have contemplated killing myself so many times over the years but haven't because I am not a coward. I refuse to loose that last bit of dignity I have left.

It is sad that I still dream of finding the kind of love again that  Harry and Severus had in that story. The kind of love I once had before it was ripped away from me. To feel safe and protected, cherished and loved. Wanted. Cared for.

Loved....