The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

What Are You Doing With Your Life

December 30th 2022

This is a question I'm asked at just about every family gathering or phone call I have with my sole parent and my grandparent on my mother's side. It's a question that hurts because I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I spent the last year either in an operating room or laying in a hospital bed begging for someone to take away the pain I feel in my back away. See, this year alone I have had three surgeries, from two female surgeries to a second back surgery where they installed metal rods and spacers in my back. Since that second surgery, Ive been limited in what I can do with cleaning and working. This has cost me many jobs and left me basically dependent on my boyfriend of three years.

Not unlike everybody else, I have hopes and dreams that have been taken from me because of these surgeries. The hysterectomy in July left me without the chance of having a baby of my own. A dream I had since I was a little girl of having four children of my own. Three little boys and a girl. I wanted to be a better parent than what had raised me. I wanted to show my children the love and respect I still don't get to this day, no matter what I do or how much I beg and plead with them.

My mother and grandparents both think that "tough love" is the way to get through to someone not knowing that it brings depression and anxiety behind it. I want to meet their approval, but it seems that no matter how hard I try, I fail. It then pours over into my relationship with the man I hope to marry one day because I feel as though he sees the failure they all see. An often question I ask myself is my faults the reason why he hasn't asked me to be his wife after almost three years of being together in a relationship.

So what am I doing with my life? Well, right now I'm striving to recover. After so many surgeries this, year they exhaust my body I've had more hospital stays this, year including a suicide attempt in April that has left me fried. I need to get mentally stronger before physically I can take on anything else.

Until next time diary