The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

Confessions

May 25th 2023,

Let me start off by saying that I'm not okay and I can feel a mental break down coming any day now and im not sure im prepared for it this time. The last time I had a breakdown it landed me a week in the hospital and this time I don't know if ill make it in time. Everything seems to be falling apart all around me, from my relationship with my partner to my relationship with my sole surviving parent.

As everything crumbles and I look for something to grasp on to, I can't help but wonder, is it me? Am I the route of all these problems, or does God have some secret vendetta against me for shit that happened in my past? Ive tried everything I can to stay on the straight and narrow but sometimes I don't think it's worth it anymore.

The other night I sat and watched as my partner and I threw hateful words at one another and I wondered what happened to the man I fell in love with three years ago and how we got to the point of being enemies again. Everything I touch seems to turn to dust and I wonder sometimes if God meant for me to die alone like my father did over five years ago. No partner or children by his bedside, as he was called to where ever we go when our time here is done.

I'm heartbroken as I write this because I don't know what the future has in store for me. I don't know if my partner and I can move on from the hurtful things that were said last night, just like I don't know if I can move past the things my family says. Words cut worse than a knife. If you could see my heart, you could see all the scars from healed wounds from the past thirty-two years.

I want to believe everything happens for a reason, but things have been going to hell since my accident in 2020 and have been going downhill from there. I want to be happy, and I want my happy ending, but I still think im too much like my father to find love out there. I'm too difficult to love, because of the ghost that live in my head and soul.