The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

Love After Trauma

January 8th 2023

Love has never been a simple concept for me. When someone says they love me, it makes my skin crawl because when people have said it in the past, it's always come at a price. This could come from family or friends. Love means trust and trust is something I don't have a lot of with everything that has happened to me in my short 32 years on this planet.

These trust issues have made their way into what has been a semi-stable relationship for the past 3 years with my boyfriend. I've put him through every hard test I could think of for proof that he loves me and he still willingly stays by my side through thick and thin.

I've been physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually abused for most of my life. I've seen things that still make my skin crawl when PTSD memories sneak in late night as I try to sleep. The smallest things like a phrase or an explosion on tv can trigger these memories.

I wrote in the last post about being molested, but I was also physically abused by a couple of people both of my parents were seeing. Today my boyfriend can't raise his hand without making me flinch.

Coming into a relationship with trauma is exhausting because there's so much work for both parties side. I have to realize that not everyone is out to hurt me and I deserve love, and my partner has to learn how to deal with my emotional roller coaster and how to handle each situation that comes our way.

Being raised completely different makes it difficult for the two of us because of how I respond to something because of my past trauma he sees as small and unimportant. It's caused many tearful screaming fights as we both pull our hair out trying to figure out how to get off shaky ground.

I've dealt with being abandoned by both my parents, both physically and emotionally. My constant fear is that my partner now will find fault in me and leave me like my mother and father have done. Or raise the bar so high that I'll never going to be able to reach.

One thing I'm learning is that I'm worthy of love and not that little kid anymore with mommy and daddy issues. My partner and I are learning how to stay on peaceful grounds and keep our fights civil as best as possible. I find talking more and more about the ptsd memories or suicidal thoughts as they come help me cope more and stuff down that five-year-old screaming kid locked inside me.

We are coming up on three years together and a possible wedding in October of this year, but my trauma and mental health still make me doubt his love for me and there are days I'll ask him a billion times. Do you love me? Maybe it's because I didn't hear it enough as a child.

My parents bought things in order to show their love for us kids. The latest game console or shoes if they smacked us a little too hard, so the idea of getting gifts after a fight is sickening. I know people buy gifts and things just because, but for me, gifts seem like bribes for forgiveness. I live in constant fear that everyone I come in contact with only loves me for what I can give them and what I allow them to do to me on a daily basis. That goes from a family down to the love of my life.

It goes back to finding worthiness inside the trauma that ive dealt with my whole life, and it starts with me. I have to be able to love myself and find myself worthy before I can let anyone else in. It's a long and winding road, but I'm slowly learning that my trauma doesn't define me. I am a good person that deserves love and did not deserve the bullshit that others had put me through.