The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

Good Enough

April 24, 2024

I dont like my mind right now and i dont think its ever going to change. Im depressed and anxious at the same time and it feel like my brain is going to have a system overload and explode. Theres so much tension in my body. I feel like im doing this all alone, and im scared of what the outcome might be. I take a med that makes that little gray cloud grow bigger around me.

The world around me is gray even on the sunniest day. All i see is gray and dark. I want somewhere to park these dark thoughts and just feel the sun on my face. Enjoy a conversation with a friend and not think at the end of the conversation that person secretly hates me. Its draining every day.

Im tired in so many ways and im still trying to fight to be good enough for someone. But the sad thing is i dont even feel good enough for me. Everything i do or say i bash myself after even penning this journal entry im cringing because im afraid its just garbage.

I hate the person i see in the mirror, as soon as i make eye contact with it, nasty things come out of my mouth like a teenager having a meltdown. I want to step down take a break for a while and just adjust.

Doctors think med changes need to be made but my personality is already altered so much that i dont want to add more fuel to the unknown.

One day i want to accomplish something and not have a "but i could have done it better this way" I just want to be able to say " you did a good job, lets see what else we can do" its a struggle to keep the negative self talk at bay.