The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

Aint No Pill For Comparison

March 24th 2024

I thought about finishing my story 57 times today.

Im a visual person so i could see the little pitch counter being hit every time every image filled my head.

Today i wanted to end my story and not a semi colon because of stress and the constant feeling of not good enough for anyone on this earth.

Im trying to be the mom and dad I needed in my younger days on top of trying to be a functional almost 34 year old non binary person.

In a world where it could get you killed, i think of doing it before any one else because i inside feel worthless. Like i can not be who these four people inside me need me to be.

Im fighting a war of comparison and theres no pill for that believe me asked.

Like the fucking addict i am i look for any feeling to mask the feeling, Any feeling!

Because thats what the woman inside was taught to do.Be tough, straighten your back and suck in that upper lip.

Dont cry just dust yourself off. Who needs a man anyway

The little boy inside me just wants someone to fix it, anyone in the world just take it off my plate.

The little girl inside me wants someone to love her like daddy never could have

The man inside is battling with the 33 year old for control and sometimes i want to let him win.

And shed the skin of the person that I cant be friends with

I hate her for everything she never was and that make the little girl deep inside cry at night

When its 2 am and shes scrolling through her phone

Looking for someone to make her not feel so alone

Tears roll down her cheeks and she cant speak.

Thats when i look in the mirror and say all the things I hate about myself

You're ugly, stupid, fat, and thats why no one can love you like this

I get so pissed i just want to but my fist through the bathroom mirror

But theres some one sleeping in the next room and lord knows what will hear if we wake them.

So i just go back to my chair where i sleep and pray for the day

That the monsters in my head can stop scream so loud.

So i dont have to set in my trailer on the wrong side of town

Upside down with anxiety staring at the 55 people on screen

From thousands of miles around

Thats when they scream the loudest for a fix

Weed, Drink or even cut this evil slut in my head begs for confidence.

Anything to keep the loud voices at bay, especially the ones that say

I deserve to die alone in a nursing home because Karma is a bitch

And boy do I ever deserve her, for everything that I've done to mother, and did to my father

The guilt that makes finish my story with a period instead of a semi colon

Today i listen to a song that made me know there was other people just like me

Maybe i should take the leap

And stop being such a sheep

Maybe i would stop hating the person that swore to build a better life with me

Than i had in my childhood

It was love it was ecstasy to find that

Thats when the medication slowed down and i felt at piece

Now four years later and 3 months never leaving the home

I dont know who this is in front of me but i despise them

Is it you? Is it me? No one can see.

A 6 month break is what we need

Today i wanted to end my story with a period but i thought typing these random thoughts while im stone out of my mind on THC. This is the only way i can be up front and uncensored with anyone thats reading this. I doubt most will, it is just written by another complaining Millennels. Thats what an older person might see that but that is not the case. I stay up late thinking the these thoughts into the wee morning when its time for morning medication. Thats when the ideation starts to becomes the worse. Ive been trying to work through it but i honestly think my doctor has done more harm than good. In two weeks of due for a brain scan to see why theres so much pressure that im feeling in my head. Thinking of the crane games trying to lift a bobble head out of the machine being yanked up repeatedly until you can only keep your head straight and hopes someone sets you back down soon.

Im dizzy and weak a lot of times while im trying to go through insurance training and i think ive reached a new level of burn out so im write this to my self to promise that im going to slow down. Start dating myself so i can learn to love myself and then maybe give it back to my partner if they are the one im mean to be with. As mentioned we are talking about taking a break away.

Im writing this for someone else that feels like they have a buch of emotions burning inside of them and cant seem to remember the coping skills that were instilled in them over the last 12 years. Its okay to get these thoughts down. Thats why i started this journal because it lets me free my mind and show everyone that reads about a misfit kid, or any of your fan fics that when i write some of those favorite scenes. You know the ones that make want sleep with your favorite musician or have it out with his best friend that is always trying to split you up some how. Hmm that sounds like a good idea for a story... ugh sorry got of track....

I wrote some of your favorite scenes when i was in a depressed state ready to pull the plug on my self in a bloody way. Or when i was so lonely i thought of the scene and placed my self there and to go through a date i would like to have happen on or off the date with our favorite guitarists,drummer and singer.

So today i changed the story to end with the story with a semi coion instead as scribbled dot. To put a pin in it because i thought of you the one with this on your screen. how love my content and how i get off the dophimene you all give me with fabulous comments and messages you got. Some of you have become my best friends because i decided to keep going from tumblr to wattpad. And thats pretty special to me and i think my spirt goes a little higher with each read and comment

So today I saved my story;