The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

I'm Alone

Its a feeling I cant shake even with my partner around or family, I feel like im alone in this world. I dont know if its the depression sitting in or if its true that my relationship is that far gone that its time for me to leave but i feel my heart break everytime i look into my partners eyes because in my heart of hearts I know we are at the end of the cycle of being together. He was my first true love, and its sad to see im the only one fighting for this.

Tears stream down my face as i write this because its not just in my relationship I feel this. I dont have friends in my corner people only call when they want something from me. Weed, money or a ride thats the only time my phone seems to ring or if they want someone to lift them up. I call to hang out with someone and they promise to come and then something better comes along. It reminds me of waiting for my dad every other weekend for times for him not to show up. Beer and women were his vice. My partner seems to always be distracted by gaming or his phone in order to have a serious conversation about where we are at with one another.

The one person that never let me feel alone was my nanny. She was in my corner for everything and i could talk to her about anything under the sun. Her hugs were amazing and could melt away the pain i felt in an instant.

I always looked at my moms and step dads relationship as what to strive for and now it seems as though i set myself up for failure. The more i try its the more he pulls away from me. I feel repulsive and look in the mirror feeling nothing but hate for myself. What is it about me that makes it difficult to love? What makes me hard to be around that even my family leery to have me over? Theres so many questions i have that no one can seem to answer. Im losing faith in anything good happening for me.

My fear is that im going to die alone just like my dad did. No husband or kids to be at my bedside as i get ready to cross over into the next realm or wherever we go when we pass. I have spent most of my thirty two years feeling like this and i find myself turning back to previous vices like smoking pot, pills or cutting. Thats a secret ive tried to keep to myself but it feels better to write it down. Im finding myself losing passion for things that use to bring me so much joy. Now it feels like when i write im having to force myself to get some words on the paper or that the stuff i put out for my readers is such crap they give me a compliment just because they feel they need to.

Im tired of walking around with a broken heart and feeling unlovable. I have a good heart and just wish people could see that more than anything. I feel like a doormat that people only use once in a great while.