The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

Finding Myself

December 9th 2023

Dear Journal

Life has been hectic lately and i find myself more lost in my head. Ive recently discovered that I am non binary and this has caused a lot of drama in my life. My family has turned their nose up to me and said horrible things.

This isnt something that i just woke up one day and said Hey i dont want to be called a woman anymore. Between childhood trauma and other things that im not quite ready to talk about ive always felt like there were two people inside my body fighting to come to the surface. Ive spent my whole life being scared to explain it to someone feeling that i would be judged which has happened when ive told my mother and her side of the family. This has made me feel more alone.

Im thankful for the handful of people in my life that have been uplifting through this whole change. Ive been an emotional wreck as ive opened up to my boyfriend about my inner most thoughts. Luckily he has been nothing but loving and supportive.

Im starting off slow, only changing my pronouns to around those that i feel like i can trust with my life. Im working hard in therapy were its safe to share these thoughts that i have. The confusion in my head and my heart has a lot of times left me suicidal because i felt there was something wrong with me.

The biggest hurt ive faced over the last week is to hear the person that raised me say, "You are just doing this for attention" or "If you want to be gay, just be gay. Why change your identity?"

I know now that just because the raised me or brought me into this world doesnt mean they are going to protect me. This means that in my new identity its okay to also create a safer family to surround myself with. It breaks my heart because all ive ever wanted was to hear my mom say she loves me and feel that its true.

The next couple of months are going to be long and trying as i try to navigate down this new path. Im searching for advice and friendship, but mainly empathy and love. This is scary and to anyone battling this my door is always there for you. My hope for 2024 is to become happy and comfortable in my own skin no matter what that may look like in the end.

More to come