The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

The Struggle Of Feeling Unloveable

TW Suicide

April 14th 2023

It never seems to fail that at this time of year i go through a wave of depression and start questioning my reason for being here on this planet. A year ago on the 8th of this month i had been admitted into the hospital for a drug overdose after a heady fight with my boyfriend. It was a scary time but i didnt have the will to go on after the multiple surgery i had just had. My emotions were all over the place and we were fighting like cats and dogs so i thought death was my only way out of here.

I hate who i see in the mirror and my past seems to haunt me in ways i never thought possible. Theres so much i want out of my life and i cant seem ever grasp it in my tiny little hand. Sometimes i feel pathetic but depression has a way of doing that to everyone at least those i talk to you.

I remember that day so well kyle and i had been fighting for two days straight. I had just had my first womans surgery and my hormones were all over the place. We had gotten in a physical altercation and i walked into the bathroom and took multiple loratabs and muscle relaxer hoping that the meds would cure the broken heart i had and that i wouldnt have to wake up and face another day with the misery.

Everything else happened in a flash from the ambulance to the police officer splitting me and kyle up to passing out and being loaded into the back of the ambulance. It landed me a grippy sock vacation for two days. I spent a lot of time reflecting on what had gotten me to that point. We havent been the same since we almost broke up two years ago. When i look in the mirror im trying to find the same piece of me that i admired as a kid and shes gone. Its the same person he fell in love with but shes gone and i dont know how to bring her back into the cards again.

I often sit back and wonder what life would be like for everyone else if i wasnt here anymore. No more calling to fix tvs or phones or late night convos when someone is sad. Theres more people that count on me but i cant count on them and it hurts but its been like that since i was five years old. My father didnt love me and i was easy to leave so i just prepare myself for the next person that plans on walkign out the door. Hell i dont even lock the door anymore just leave it cracked so people have an easy time to leave.

I dealt with my parents not being in my corner for most of my life. I never understood how being a young parent would make you not want to be around you children. I didnt choose the cards i was dealt and it seems like a lot of them were shitty. When my boyfriend tells me he loves me i dont feel the butterflies in my stomach any more. It just feels like an empty promise that he feels he needs to say after three years of being together. I want to find some peace but it doesnt seem like thats an option for me.

I feel like damage goods with the bullshit that happened to me when i was a kid. Being molested at the age of five to ten was the hardest thing i ever had to experience as a kid besides seeing my mother physically abused. To have your innocents robbed from you at such an early age does something to your head that is unexplainable. You no longer can see the good in the world everything becomes dark and scary. Ive spent fifteen years trying to realize that im a good person and what happen to me wasnt my fault but i still have the lingering thought that i did something to show this teengager at the time that i wanted something that i didnt.

To have life start out on that foot and ruin all my hopes and dreams as an adult has fucked me up. Its made me a parnaoid adult, i dont trust people and im probably one of the hardest people to get along with because of the trauma ive dealt with.

I want to feel loved again and feel like i have a purpose but this fucking black cloud is relentless. I dont want to go into my forties with the chip on my shoulder like my old man had but it looks like thats were life is taking me.