The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

Struggles with Insecurities

Febuary 17th 2023

Lately ive been struggling to get anything done. My anxiety and depression are at an all-time high and I can't figure out why. Everyone around me seems to be getting through the day okay, while I feel like I'm constantly drowning with each breath I take. My health is on the fritz again and there are times that I feel as though I don't have anyone in the world. I can express the pain I'm feeling too, both physically and emotionally too. Not even my partners of three years, and it makes me really sad.

Ive been dealing with health crisis on top of the lots of my fur daughter. Grief is something that never seems to go away, no matter how hard you try to push it to the side. Izzy was something special to me and the thought of not waking up to her sweet face every day if soul crushing. My health, on the other hand, is a lot of questions and no straightforward answers anytime soon.

From the job I do, nothing is ever good enough. I'm a dispatcher overnight watching home security systems through the night for ten hours. I feel as though no matter how much they tell me I'm doing a good job, it's not really true and I will eventually get fired like i have from other jobs. It's sad that my brain is programmed like this, but it's been that way since I was a child.

No amount of medication is ever going to fix the fact that I don't like who I see in the mirror every day. No amount of praise I receive for stories I write is going to change the fact that I still think I suck even though there are stories right that I have written sitting at 6,000 views and climbing. Part of me thinks that it's because I never got enough credit as a child for doing a good job in my house. It was just what they didn't do.

You didn't get a good job for getting good grades or getting a raise at work. That's just was something you were supposed to do. Even doing arts and crafts was never met with a pat on the back for putting myself out there. That's why it's still hard to believe that so many people dig what I put out on a weekly basis.

I even have to ask my boyfriend on a daily basis if he loves me because I can't see why he stays with me after all this time. Why would he want to be with someone like me when he could have anyone else in the world because he's that caring and so handsome? He's the only person in my life that has had enough patience to tell me everyday something positive and reminds me that I'm loved even when I want to punch the mirror because I hate the person I see staring back at me.