The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

The Hysterectomy

March 20th 2023

I always wanted to be a mom of four kids. That was my dream growing up and nothing could convince me otherwise. I was going to be married around twenty-five and then by thirty have my second child, but for some reason nothing ever goes according to plan and it sucks. Last year around this time I was being admitted into the hospital to have my right ovary removed because there were over ten cysts inside of it, causing me to be in pain even when my period wasn't in effect. They found out I had endometriosis during this surgery and had to remove it, causing scaring on my uterus. The recovery time sucked.

After this surgery, life became a big emotional roller coaster. I didn't know if I was coming or going any more. One minute I was happy, the next I was in tears or yelling at someone like my boyfriend. I end up being committed to a psychiatric hospital after trying to take my own life because of the hormone issues I was having.

Four months later, I was back in the hospital with extreme pain and sent back to my gyno specialist, who found out the endometriosis had spread everywhere and the cyst had taken over my left ovary. The doctor said there was no chance that I would ever be able to carry a baby to full term and that a hysterectomy was necessary.

I remembered looking at my boyfriend and feeling my heart break into a thousand pieces. The one thing we both had wanted was to be parents and now my body once again was denying me of that chance. I had felt like damage goods before after the childhood trauma that had taken place by the family baby sister. Now my chance of being a parent was being robbed.

Two days after my 32nd birthday, they admitted me into the hospital for surgery on my boyfriend's 31st birthday. I remember the tears I shed with my mom as I waited for them to take me back to the operating room and then to be put on the maternity floor after the two and half hour extensive surgery was a nightmare. Hearing the mothers on the ward give birth and new life crying was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.

I sometimes wonder if god thought maybe I was able to be an excellent mother or saw the family history and wanted everything to stop with me. That's why he made me have a body that couldn't handle labor. It's one of the many questions I have for him when I get there, if heaven is where I end up when my time comes.

I honestly feel like I am missing something major in my life by not being able to give birth to a son or daughter. I want my own little mini me to raise and love in ways that I hadn't been. I know adoption is an option, but the thought of sharing genes and a blood line with someone is important to me. Unable to do what life expects of me, I can't help but feel like I'm a failure. It makes me wonder if that's why im still not married now after three years of being in a solid relationship because this damage goods of a person can't give her spouse and children why would anyone want to be with me then.

It's something that adds more depression on to my shoulders that I can put up with sometimes.