The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

Dear Dad

March 5th 2023

This upcoming Saturday will be five years since you left this planet to have a deadly disease. I still don't understand how they don't have a cure for it yet. I miss you terribly every day and would give anything to be able to talk to you and have one of your amazing hugs.

Our relationship wasn't common we both weren't there for one another like a father and daughter should be, and at times I wasn't sure if you really loved me because alcohol seemed to be the one that had more of a special place in your heart than your only child. I know now that addiction is a powerful monster, and it wasn't your fault that you couldn't be there for me like I needed you to be.

There's so many things I want to show you and tell you about since you've been gone. I know you see it all from your cloud in heaven, but there is just something about having a dad on earth that would make things a little better for me. Daddies and daughters have a bond that's there since birth. I still see you as a hero in ways like I did every weekend when you would pick up for visitation.

There are so many things I want to know about you. Like what you like to do when you were my age? Do we share the same passions for writing and music? I know I don't get the love for creating from my mom, so it must be you that I received it from. I got my looks from you and stature, but I wonder what other qualities I got from you.

I know You and I didn't end everything on the best terms, but I hope you know I loved you more than anything in the world. You were my dad and half the reason they brought me on this planet to do something great, even though I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here. Did you ever have those thoughts late at night wondering why you were here and your purpose?

I wonder if you ever delt with mental health and the anxiety that I do. You were alone so much like I am now that I wonder if we just do better alone. I know you see I'm in a relationship and I know you struggled with them to, how do we get past the not feeling well enough for the person you love?

Dad, I always wished we could have been closer, where I could call you in the middle of nights like tonight when I'm in tears thinking over life. I need you more than ever now as I try to figure out myself. I need a father's love to get me through the heartbreak that I'm feeling for my relationship that is crumbling around me. You would get it better than anyone else right now.

I wish you would have told me sooner that you were sick and that I wouldn't have gotten so angry with you when I found out from someone else beside you. I should have been by your side, holding your hand as you passed away. These things I think about on a daily basis and it makes my stomach turn that I turned my back on you at the worst time. I know you know that I loved you and that I never meant the horrible things I said, but it doesn't take back the regret that I feel every day that goes by.

I hope you are proud in some ways of me. I know the last five years have been a little rocky, but I am trying to be the person you and mom would want me to be. I never will get to give you grandkids, but I know you would love your grand pups as much as I do. Until I see you again daddy I love you