The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

Dear Mr. High

Feb 22nd 2023

To tell you the truth, I'm high right now, almost to the point I could kiss the sky and float back down. At this level, I finally feel at peace with myself and the world around me for the most part. I feel like I can breathe again, just like the tattoo on my arm reads. It's easier to write stuff like this because the truth isn't in a cage with tape around its mouth being not allowed to speak.

I'm severely depressed when I'm not smoking and I don't know why anymore. When I'm sober, I feel like the weight of the world is on my chest and dying feels like a better reward for all the shit I put up with on a daily basis. I'm crawling out of my skin most days in so much physical pain that nothing can take the edge off like it's supposed to.

When I'm high, though, I feel like it's okay to be me. That I don't have to be sad about all the wonky stuff in life going on or stressed about why my boyfriend and I are fighting so much. I can put my feelings out there and don't care as much if someone doesn't like me because at this point, I feel as though I'm rubber. Everything just bounces off me.

I have to be honest here since this is a mental health journal that at least five times a day I think of ways to take my own life even though I'm fully medicated and see a therapist once a month. It crosses my mind when I'm sleeping, haunts my dreams and is at least three waking thoughts if I'm sober because the demons are so loud from my past that my death is the only thing that will silence them.

I started smoking again after the doctor found out my body wasn't responding well to the pain medication. I spent almost 10 years clean from drinking and pill popping, but had never been one to smoke a joint to get by through the day. Mentally, when I smoke, life feels more at a level I can handle, I can think of the needs and wants of my family, create more meaningful art for my friends that read my stuff, be a loving girlfriend and mother to our five animals.

The demons or bad thoughts are so in tussive in my sleep when I'm high, like those are the nights I'm able to sleep the best because those ptsd memories don't come back to haunt me. I'm able to see more of a positive future and breath normally, unlike the twelve hours I'm away from home and at work.

Chronic pain is crippling both mentally and physically. You never know how each day is going to go. Some days you could be on the couch in the fetal position or passive aggressive because my pain pills just aren't cutting it for the day.

I used to keep a float throughout the day, to sleep through the pain five surgeries have brought to my life and to silence the demons that say I'm not good enough to be on this planet.

To some, I'm socially awkward, a shy kid or a misfit that never really belonged to anything or anyone just going through the motion of life to get to the next day. It's sad, but smoking weed brings me out of that negative head space. I'm able to communicate my feelings better with my spouse and difficult family members.

I feel more at peace with my inner child, and know that what happened to her isn't her fault. She's stronger than I give her credit for and a clear head lets me see that. Hell, maybe it lets me see the side of me that everyone has been seeing for years..