The Diary Of A Misfit Kid

Weight of the World

June 22nd 2023

I feel like at any moment I could crawl out of my skin. My anxiety is super high and I couldn't tell you the last time I slept the whole night through. My head is filled with doubts and worries. It feels like no one is on my side to really understand these things. I hate hearing the words "It will be okay, just stop worrying" That's not helpful, and it makes me trust you less just for fair warning.

I lost my job again, too many shady things going on for me to be involved in. I start a new job next week and the worry is, will I be able to handle this with my back? I miss the days when I could do anything and everything without having to worry about the stupid fucking equipment in my back slowing me down. In all of this im watching my three-year relationship crumble in front of me and it looks like neither of us really cares to fix it anymore.

I don't want to just go through the emotions of life anymore. I want to feel happy and it not be a lie I say to get people off my back. What's wrong with wanting to be loved for who I am, not what I can give someone? Everyone's picking at me, and I have nothing left to give. I feel like, spiritually, I'm at death's door. It's just a moment in time before the rest of my body and mind reach it, too. That's fucking scary to even think about.

Suicide crosses my mind about six times a day, though I never plan on acting on it. These thoughts scare me. They wake me up out of a deep sleep. My demons always want to come out and play when the rest of the world is peacefully asleep. I can't quiet them with a bottle of pills, smoke or alcohol. It's like they are trying to warn me and kill me all at the same time.

Ive even tried to go back to school to see if that would help my self esteem and all its seem to do is make the worry list ten times longer. What if I can't crack it at school? It's been so many years and I'm a high school dropout. What if I can't be successful?

As the worry list grows, I find myself pulling away from everything that I love. Music doesn't help me like it used to be. I can't put on my favorite song and rock out while I write. My craft is suffering because depression is kicking my ass. My therapist is out of the office and im fighting everything off by myself and sadly I'm just tired.

I want to blame my medication and everyone around me for how I feel. I'm tired of feeling unloved by my mother and grandmother, and being in a loveless relationship where I have to beg for any type of intimacy. Why can't anyone love me for being me?