CRYPTO: Infidelity (Book 1)

CHAPTER 56: STRESS

The rest of the day, I couldn't stop thinking about Hal. I wasn't worried about him dying. I was worried about him not dying soon enough. If word got out that I was the one who tricked him into telling us about Nitro, I was a dead dog. But Hal wasn't my only problem. If there was a mafia member in the police department and they heard from another cop about it, I was dead. Not only that, but if Hal's death was somehow traced back to me, I would go to prison. For some reason, that scared me more than a painful death.

And what was I going to tell Rockie? I was only supposed to kill Hal if he didn't snitch, but he did. He snitched to me. Should I tell Rockie what he said or pretend that I didn't know anything about it?

"You've been awfully quiet today, Crypto," my partner said. "Is everything okay?"

"No, yeah. Everything's fine," I said. "I was just thinking about that drug dealer." I wanted to tell him about the mafia and how I was undercover, just to get it off my chest, but I knew I couldn't trust him. I didn't know if he was involved with the mafia. I doubted it, but I couldn't take that chance.

"Yeah. I wonder who that guy, Nitro, is," my partner said.

It crossed my mind that if my partner was in the mafia, he would already know I was a traitor, but then he would probably kill me himself. He could get away with it easily since he was a cop. Did it really matter if I told him I was undercover in the mafia then?

"Dedrick," I said (that was his name and, since I didn't mention it before, he was a Dutch Shepherd). "There's, uh, something I gotta tell you."

"Sure. What is it?" he asked.

"I..." My courage quickly faded as I thought about the risk of telling him the truth. Could I trust him not to tell anyone, not even the chief of police? I decided it wouldn't be fair to bring him into all my drama. "I just really appreciate you, bro."

"I appreciate you too," Dedrick told me. "I know you got my back. I got yours too, and I don't just mean when we're working. I'm here for you any time." He put a paw on my back, but still gripped the steering wheel with his other paw.

I looked down. "Yeah. I appreciate that." I wished he could be there for me, but I didn't want to be the one responsible if he were hurt or killed by the mafia.

I just felt so alone. No one knew the amount of stress I was under. They didn't know I was keeping a big secret from both sides. The police didn't know I worked for the mafia and the mafia didn't know I was actually on the side of justice. If either found out, I would either be sent to prison or killed. That's what was in the back of my mind all the time, and it was starting to take a toll.

I was starting to doubt myself. I was no longer sure if what I was doing was the right thing or even something I could pull off. Every day, it seemed less and less likely that I could take the mafia down on my own. It was just me against the entire mafia which must have consisted of thousands of members, and they weren't your average criminals. They had a lot of money and power. Too much power. They owned the whole city for crying out loud, and probably more than that. Maybe they controlled the entire world. And I thought I could take them down on my own?

I wondered how many others like me went undercover and were murdered because of it, but what could I do? I couldn't leave the mafia and I wasn't going to join their side. I refused to go against my own morals. And what of my parents? Who was going to avenge their deaths? It had to be me. There was no one else.

At the end of our shift, Dedrick dropped me off at the station and I drove my own car home. I remembered that it was a Wednesday and I had dance classes with Birdie. I wasn't in the mood for dancing but I was always in the mood to see Birdie, and I had already paid for the classes, so I went.

"Why are you so stiff?" Birdie asked me while we were going through the motions.

"Sorry. I'm not trying to be," I told her. "It's just been a stressful day."

"You wanna talk about it after class?" she asked with a concerned, sympathetic look on her face.

"Sure." I knew I couldn't tell her about what had happened that day or why I was so stressed, but I wanted an excuse to spend more time with her.

When we stepped outside after class, Birdie said, "So what's up?"

"Is there a more private place we could talk?" I asked.

She thought for a minute. "Come with me."

I followed her down the sidewalk and across the street until we came to a catholic church and she started up the stairs.

"Why did you take me here?" I asked.

"You wanted somewhere private to talk," she said. "How many animals do you know that come here on a Wednesday?"

"None."

"Exactly."

"I thought church was only open on Sundays."

She opened the door. "Not this church."

I followed her inside. The ceilings were incredibly tall and there were beautiful stained glass windows.

"This church is open all the time so anyone can come in for confession whenever they feel like they need to, you know, confess," Birdie said as she led me to a few carpeted steps and sat down.

"Do you... come here often?" I asked as I sat next to her.

"No, but..." She shrugged. "Sometimes I come here just because... Well, it feels kinda like home. I grew up in the catholic church. Not this one, but they're all pretty similar."

"I grew up in church too," I said. "I don't go anymore though."

"Me either. Well, I mean, I don't attend. I might come here if I start to feel... I don't know. Out of place?"

"Out of place, huh? I know how that feels."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Some days more so than others."

"Like today?" she asked.

"Yeah. Kinda like today."

"What happened?"

"Nothing, really. It's just one of those days, you know?"

"Yeah. I have those days too sometimes."

"So... this place makes you feel at home... I'm guessing you have good childhood memories?" I asked.

"Well... more bad than good actually," she admitted, "but things were always good when we were at church. I suppose that's why this place is so comforting to me. It was always a safe place."

"Things weren't safe at home?"

"It was physically safe, but... well, if we're gonna get into my childhood, I should probably start at the beginning for context, if you want to hear about all my past trauma."

"I do, if you're willing to share."