Rule number seven

Chapter two

It has been three weeks since I last have been in college. My teacher seemed concerned but I told her that something personal has been going on and that I didn't want to go into too much detail. She thankfully understood and said that If I wanted to talk to someone I could go an talk to her. That's likely not going to happen because as I said before, It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing to admit that a boy has broke my heart so much that I turned into a drunk. That I had fallen in love, fallen for all the empty promises and lies that he has told, that it ripped me apart. Finally after four weeks of misery and agony I am getting better, I'm doing better than I was before. I stopped drinking my feelings away and started to focus on the important things in life. My number one focus now is getting over it and focusing on my work, my future career and going back to my hobbies. "It's good seeing you finally out of that cave that you call your room." Emma said as she placed and arm on my shoulder. I gave her a sly smile and went back to organising my sheets. "What's this?" She asked as she picked up one of my music sheets. "They're music sheets, one piles for piano and the other for guitar." I said as I grabbed it back out of her hand and placed it neatly back in its designated folder. "You should play me something sometime." She said. "Fat chance." I chuckled out and turned to face her. She put a soppy look on her face and placed her hands together. "Pretty please?" I whined out loud and leaned back on the desk that was next to us. "Fine. Only once." I said and turned away. She clapped her hands in joy and happily walked back to her desk. I sat down and rested my head against the desk. I'm so exhausted and burnt out. I didn't want to leave my bed this morning, I forced myself to get up and get ready. This was the first time in three weeks that I got up in the morning at a reasonable time and managed to get outside my house instead of coming back at four in the morning and sleeping in till noon. This was a daily thing I did. My routine consisted of getting up, showering, crying, waiting till it hit night, going out, drinking and crying to the moon. But somehow I found comfort in that. I found comfort in talking to the sky, expressing what I feel and no actual person heard what I had to say but maybe that was a good thing. I didn't want sympathy from anyone, I don't need pathetic words to try and cheer me up, I just wanted reality. What happened to me happens to so many other people and it's not uncommon, hell, some people have it worse than me. Maybe they thought they would spend their life with their significant other, they plan out all their life and what they dream of, how many kids they want and where they want to live, careers they want to pursue. But life fucks us all and promises become empty and lies. Why promise something that you know was going to be a lie. Why give hope to someone that believed it would happen, it's fucked up honestly. They tell you they love you but then go out and ruin that for you, that love was never real because if it was, they wouldn't of have done it. This is how life goes though, and you can't do anything to change it.

As I was packing up my things my teacher came up to me. She sat down on my desk and placed her hand on her thigh. I stopped what I was doing and looked up at her. "Are you okay?" She asked. I looked back down, I honestly didn't know how to answer that question. Am I okay? Well the short answer is yes, but the not so short answer is complicated. I'm doing okay today but I might not be okay tomorrow or the day after that. I might break down again and not be okay or I might move on and be okay. But okay is an understatement, when you're okay you're doing better than 'fine' or 'not too bad'. Today I was doing 'not to bad' so being okay is doing better than 'not to bad' so the honest answer is no but I don't feel like explaining myself today so let's just pretend and I say yes. "Yes, I'm okay." She gave me a sly smile. "That's good, If you need to talk I'll be here." She then stood up and walked back to her desk and I continued to pack up back my things. I don't understand why she had to come over and ask me if I was okay. Did I not look okay? Probably not. I haven't gotten any sleep since that night and I've drowned myself in alcohol for three weeks straight so maybe I didn't look it but I finally feel a bit better.

This may make me look weak, just drinking away my feelings. Numbing myself over and over again but I have to admit that it did feel good. Nothing can beat the feeling you get when you drink a little too much and then all your problems wash away. Maybe this is the start of an addiction but what can I do. He did nothing for me, he had me in the palm of his hand, I was there for him. I loved and cherished everything about him and what did he do. Fucking break me.