Rule number seven

Chapter twenty-one

Emma runs up to me and falls right into my arms, I catch her and hug her tightly. Everyone just saw what has happened on stage and that me and Joel definitely have something going on between us but i for once don't know. Him kissing me in front of everyone definitely says something but does that mean he wants to be with me? Or was it some sort of goodbye kiss. If that's the case then I don't want it to be. I don't want to go back home knowing that he loves me but chose to cut me out and follow his career. That I'm willing to give my whole heart away and he just takes it for granted and leaves me completely heartbroken. I won't be able to heal from this, I'll never recover. My heart will be completely shattered. I tighten my grip onto Emma and fight my tears. I can't cry any more than I already have, so many tears have been spilled over this one boy. "Are you okay?" Emma asks as she tucks my hair behind my ear and from my face. For the first time in my life I have the answer, I'm going to be brutally honest with everyone and I don't care what they think but these past few weeks have been a complete disaster that fucked up my life. "No." I say. I'm not fucking okay. I just want to leave this place and go back to the hotel room where I can cry in peace with hundreds of people being around me and staring at me. I was the star of the show now. I was the stranger that went up on that stage and gave it all my best, I was the girl that Joel kissed without anyone knowing what we used to be or who I was. I was just simply one of the art students but that changed everything tonight. No one is going to forget this because I know I definitely won't.
I let go off Emma and walk the other direction. I was going to stay for the rest of the bands performing but I can't do that now. I need to leave this place as soon as possible. I grab my bag and head for the exit. I feel all the eyes on me but I'm too focused on leaving this place. Before I head out the door I turn around and search for Joel. I see him sat near the back with his friends talking and laughing. Seeing him happy makes my heart warm. I know he's an asshole but I can't help but love him. He was the highlight of my year, he was the best person I have ever met, the only man that I managed to fall in love with. I won't hate him for what he did because my heart won't let me. So I just silently leave the room and walk out of the door. As I rush to the exit gate I hear someone calling my name from a distance. I stand dead in my tracks and see Colten running up to me trying to catch up. I stand there waiting for him until he manages to catch up to me. "Yes?" I ask him. He takes a second to catch his breath before standing up straight and looking at me. "I just wanted to say that you were amazing up there. But also, I don't know what's going on with you and Joel but from what I heard I know that he loves you Olivia. Don't let him go, make him stay. He's crazy and doesn't know what's best for him but you need to make that decision for him." I pause for a moment taking in what he just said. Colten's right, I need to give Joel the ultimatum. He has two choices and he can't just run away from his problems. Tomorrow when I meet him before we leave I'll talk to him. Tonight gives me plenty of time to think about what I'll say to him. "Thank you Colten." I say softly. He gives me a smile and I turn around and leave. He went from flirting with me to helping me. Deep down I can tell that he's trying to help. He knows Joel better than I do right now so I'll trust him and take his advice. I walk until I'm far away from the college and take a seat. I open up my bag and take out my packet of cigarettes and light one. The only thing that is still keeping me slightly sane is nicotine. If I didn't have nicotine to make me a tiny bit less crazy I would have lost it and went off the rails. Smoking isn't helping but for me it's a coping mechanism. It's an unhealthy habit but when you have a life like mine it's an excuse. I don't need people telling me what to do anymore or how to feel. I want honesty, nothing more, nothing less.
This past week more has happened to me emotionally than in a whole year. Even when my dad left I wasn't this emotional. I accepted his absence quickly and realised it was for the best. He wasn't happy and neither was my mum, they were toxic and unhealthy. It reflected on the so much that they lost themselves. I lost myself loving Joel, I gave up my whole life just mourning his absence. I may never be able to love someone the same way again but I'm ready for the worst to come.