you know it's not the same as it was
❛ ㅤㅤㅤㅤ⎯⎯ㅤㅤIN WHICH sadie & jeremiah
reunite in the summer after years of not seeing each other, the only difference this time is their feelings for one another which are stronger now that they're older. coming to...
❛ jesus christ, i'm so blue all the time and that's just how i feel ❜
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"she's not sick, no. no. dad, she's not sick," sadie repeated for god knows what time. they were back from the ball, everyone still in their dresses and suits. the only sound that could be heard at the summer house were cries, from sadie, from belly, from conrad, from laurel, from piper, from steven, from jeremiah, from andrew, and even susannah herself.
"she's not sick," the younger crawford girl continued repeating those words, they were now her own little mantra. she shook her head as tears fell from her eyes. "sadie," andrew whispered.
"no!" she aggressively shook her head again, more tears falling down her cheeks, "she's not! no! no, dad. please tell me she's not gonna die," the girl begged. andrew's eyes were filled with tears, he knew this was coming.
"dad?" he just hugged her because he didn't know what else to do. he couldn't tell her susannah wasn't gonna die, he couldn't make that promise. piper held her sister's hand, "it's not gonna be okay, is it?"
Dear Mom,
I feel silly writing this, I really do. What is the point of writing you a letter when I know you'll never receive it or read it for that matter. But, Gina, my therapist, thinks this would be good for me, a nice little exercise to get me to understand all of this better.
Next week marks two years since you've been gone. God knows I can't believe it's been that long. I've come to terms with the fact that you're never coming back, I mean, it's physically impossible for you to do so but sometimes I do wish there was some kind of magical wand to bring you back to life.
You've missed a lot and, I guess you'll continue to miss things. Piper and I have our whole lives in front of us and you won't be here to witness any of that.
Speaking of Piper, she graduated yesterday. As always, at the top of her class, she even held a speech. She spent the past month writing and rewriting it. It turned out good, even made Dad cry a little bit.
She's leaving soon. She got into this very fancy school in Italy. It's a great opportunity and I'm really happy for her. Dad and I are going to miss her a lot, it's just gonna be me and him from September.
Susannah and Laurel came too. It was a surprise, I wasn't expecting them. They brought Steven and Conrad, it was nice seeing them. I haven't properly seen them in such a long time, they've grown so much. But I guess we all did.
We had lunch together, we caught up to everything.
Susannah invited us to the summer house. We haven't been there since you've been gone. I don't know why, I guess it was just too much. But, you know Beck, persistent as ever. She convinced Dad, and he somehow convinced us.
I don't know what Cousins will bring this year. If I'm being honest I don't think I'll make it through the entire summer. A part of me thinks I'll just keep seeing you at every corner, just like I do in our house.
It's been so different these past two years. We've moved on, but it's like we stayed haunted. It's like a part of us still lives in that day when we got that call.
For a while, we did live in that day. For the first six months, every time we'd wake up we'd learn you're dead all over again. Every time the phone rang we were afraid to answer it. Every time the door rang we were afraid to answer it.
Even getting my driver's license was difficult. Every single time I'd sit behind the wheel I'd see you.
You stopped existing yet you were everywhere.
It's such a fucking shitty concept. That morning you were here, I saw you, I hugged you, and you dropped me off at school. By the time night arrived you were gone.
Gina talked to me about the last words and all of that. Apparently, people take to heart what their last conversation was with their loved ones. You and I, the last thing we said to each other was 'I love you, bye'.
Ironic, isn't it?
If I had known that was the last time I'd seen you I would've said more. So much more.
But that is a thing about life, isn't it? You don't know when is the last time you'll see someone.
I keep thinking maybe if there was a time machine I'd go back. I'd tell you to stay at home that day. I'd stay with you. I'd save you.
God Mom, why did you have to go away???
There is so much we had to live through together. But, now you won't be there. You weren't there at Piper's graduation or prom. You won't be at mine either. You'll miss our weddings. Our children's birth. Our first jobs. Us moving out. You will miss everything.
In the end, Dad will be alone. He'll be alone again. And you know, YOU KNOW he's not gonna be okay alone. He's afraid of that, of loneliness. He might never admit that but I know, we know.
He sleeps in the living room now. He thinks we don't notice, but we do. He can't sleep in your room.
I think it's killing him that Piper is moving out so soon, so far away. It's tearing him apart.
But he'll always have me. Even when I'm mad. Even when he's extremely unreasonable. I'll be there by his side because he's always been by mine.
There's a Katherine Crawford shaped dent in our lives mom, I hope you know that. We miss you, the good, the bad, and everything in between.
