𓈊 Petal's Diary

Entry #8

TW for abuse and sexualizing

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the second time was when zach hit me for the first time.

he wanted to go out on a date with me to a restaurant, which of course wasn't the issue. it was what he wanted me to do.

he'd picked out clothes for me to wear. it was a very pretty outfit, and probably something i would wear anyway if it was a different size. the top was really cute, a long-sleeved shirt that buckled in the front leaving my stomach and part of my chest exposed. and i liked the ripped jeans, too. but both of them were tight on me and accentuated the femininity of my body.

"i don't really want to wear this out in public," i had said as i looked at myself in the mirror. the way the jeans made my butt and thighs look bigger made me uncomfortable. "i mean, it's a bit small on me."

zach scoffed. "no it's not," he said. "it's supposed to be tighter. it makes you look curvier."

i chewed on the inside of my cheek. i already hated how feminine my body looked, no matter how pretty or cute it made me look. i've always blamed father for how i look at myself. too girly, too feminine, too curvy. i've never looked like a guy, even in baggy clothes or sportswear.

"look, scott," zach sighed, turning me around to face him. "you know i love you."

i smiled and nodded. "of course," i answered. "i love you, too."

he smiled down at me and gave me a quick kiss. "good. i want you to pretend you're my girlfriend," he said.

"what?" i blinked up at him, confused. we went out in public all the time and he'd never asked me to pretend i was a girl. it didn't help how i felt about my body, either.

"it won't be for long," he assured me. "just for a little while. besides, you always tend to look slutty anyway."

i couldn't help the tears that filled my eyes. i didn't understand why he would say something like that. it wasn't like he didn't know that i was insecure about how feminine my body is. and he'd never said anything so lewd about me before, even when we had sex.

he tucked my hair behind my ear. "please?" he asked. "it'll just be like a prank on some of my friend who haven't met you yet. we'll stop whenever you want."

i shook my head. "i don't want to," i mumbled, trying my hardest not to start crying. i don't know why i was being so emotional about it. thinking back, i'm embarrassed.

zach started to glare at me the same way father would when i wouldn't act how he wanted me to. "you're so fucking selfish!" zach shouted, lifting his fist and bringing it down onto my head. i dropped to the floor, dizzy, and he paused for just a moment before hitting me on the back this time.

soon, he was hitting and kicking me as hard and as much as he could before he was worn out, leaving me probably half dead on the floor of his bedroom.

i didn't start crying until he left. i was stupid, naive, to think it was just an outburst from pent-up anger. i thought it would just happen once, then never again. it was ignorant of me, i know.

from then on, there wasn't a day that went by that he didn't put his hands on me.